I'm back!!

WOW!

It's already been about a year and half since I last posted.
I thought I would get back into it, going back to being able to express myself in a way that is easier for me and helps get this lingering thoughts out of my head.
A lot has definitely changed since the last post.

Cory and I are now married. :) I couldn't be any happier. He is truly the love of my life and I am so excited that I found the person that I get to grow old with and travel on the journey of life with.
Kaiden is also absolutely loving having a father and sister now.

Kaiden has finished up his second year of hockey and he is enjoying it very much. We are going to be switching him leagues to help him in his goal of becoming an NHLer. Where he started out was more helping kids get introduced to hockey and the basics, but their game set ups weren't really practical. It was more set for having fun, which please don't get me wrong..is a GOOD thing. But when a young kid has a dream of being the NHL, he needs a more structured hockey environment. Thankfully, there is a league closer to home that does offer what we are looking for and is only five minutes away instead of the half hour of the other foundation.

That's what I am going to update for now.
I'm going to see how active this blog will be before continuing on.
So if you wanna hear more, let me know!

October 21, 2015

So it's been almost 3 months since I last updated! Kaiden and I have moved in with my boyfriend and we don't have internet at our home. I just recently found out that his mom has wifi so currently I am on the front porch, waiting for Kaiden's bus to come in a little less than an hour but I have quite a few things to catch up on online.

Things have been going pretty well for the most part.
Still getting used to being in an actual relationship and not a stupid 2 month fling like every previous one has been before. It's definitely something new for me with not just making my own decisions for Kaiden and I but actually having someone to talk to about each one before being made.
Kaiden still absolutely adores Cory and definitely looks up to him as his father figure and we both are completely okay with that.
We finished up Kaiden and Kiarra's room and the kids love it.
Kaiden and Kiarra still get along very well and love spending time and seeing each other. I love watching them interact with each other. They are both biologically only children in their families so they are really liking having a sibling type friend at home. I have a feeling that they will be best friends. :)

Work is work. Hahahah. Not much to say on it really. Just going through the motions and making the money to support ourselves, get caught up on bills, and save for the big plans we have next year like a Seattle trip and a Disneyland trip, house, and so on.

I'm very happy with how this year has turned out.

There is not a single doubt in my mind that my boyfriend is the love of my life. I know some people may think that I'm crazy for saying that, or that we haven't been together long enough for me to know...but really I have to say to back off. I know what I feel and I love the special bond between Cory and I. I have definitely never felt this way with anybody and I never will with anyone else. Just him. He is my One.

July 26, 2015

So these past two weeks or so, I haven't been myself.
And I've spent that time fully believing that it was me.
I felt like I was annoying everybody, I felt like my boyfriend was getting mad with everything I did when really that was NOT the case at all. I felt like I couldn't talk to anybody.
So I've kept my mouth shut. I've kept everything bottled in.
What does it do to me?
It makes me freak out.
It makes me doubt myself and everyone around me.
It makes me think that I'm doing everything wrong.

Then I finally realized.
No, it's not me.
I mean, it's me, but it's because I let it become me.
It's because I let things get too deep where they shouldn't go and I let it change who I was.
I couldn't be myself just because a couple of people who I used to have respect for, who I used to trust, who I used to be close friends with,  didn't like who I was.
People changed. It's a part of life.
But I was looked down on and judged because of a few choices in my life that they didn't agree with.
And instead of talking to me about, they made their own assumptions. They decided that my friendship with them over many years meant literally nothing to them and they didn't care anymore. And really that's all fine and dandy. Don't want to be friends with someone? Cut the ties and call it good. Don't put them down about their life, saying nasty things to them that you absolutely 100% KNOW would hurt them.

One of those choices they didn't approve of was my boyfriend.
Never mind the fact that neither of them even met him, talked to him, or knew much about him.
Never mind the fact that Kaiden and I were and still are and actually always will be happy with him.
Never mind the fact that I have finally found the one person who is willing to go through my ups and downs with me, who's willing to be there whenever I need him, who's willing to step in and help with Kaiden if need be.
Never mind that he actually engages with Kaiden and makes Kaiden laugh.
Never mind that he actually makes plans for us instead of sitting around on his ass.
Never mind that he actually has a job and works to support himself and his daughter.
Never mind that he actually has intelligence to talk about things other than the stupid stuff other guys are more concerned about in today's society.
Never mind that facebook, snapchat, instagram, etc aren't his whole life.
Never mind that he makes me happy. Oh, did I already say that?

But to them, he was a bad decision.

Well if he is a wrong decision, then I don't want to be right.
He's seen so many sides of me in the past month. He's seen me sad, angry, upset, worried, happy, quiet.
Where is he?
Still right by my side, wanting the best for me.
After the years of prayers for God to give me a great guy, one that loves me no matter what...
I'm not letting anyone stand in my way of being happy.

So I'm done letting what you two said get to me like you both wanted. It ate at me, and it gave me pain. But see, true friends would never have made me try to choose between their friendship and my happiness. I've wanted to be truly happy for so long, there was no way I was going to give that up as long as Kaiden was happy as well.
The fact that it's taken me longer than it should have to believe it is the sad part.
I'm sorry that our friendships had to end. I'm done with being bitter about it. I'm done with pretending that it was all on me.
I wish nothing but the best for you two. Our chapters just had to end.
Life is weird like that.

July 23, 2015

Honestly, I literally and fully hate every single "relationship" I've ever been in. All they have done was get me fucked up in the head and heart, thinking this one could turn out like the other ones because that's what I'm used to by now, almost a month in.

I'm more than blessed and grateful that I actually have someone who is willing to fight against these stupid barriers and self loathing walls and break them down until I actually see what he sees in me.

I know there are a few people out there who would love to see this relationship crash and burn.
I know there are a few people out there who don't believe this relationship will last for me.
I know there are a few people out there who don't want me to be in this relationship.

I got two words for you.

Fuck off.

Cory is the second best person to have ever entered my life.
He is one of the most patient people I have ever met. He's incredibly patient with me, even though I may push his buttons sometimes. He doesn't cease to let me know that he cares and that he's there, no matter how irritated I may make him with my random mood and emotional swings. I feel like sometimes I put that man through too many tests. I don't know why, because I get the same result in the end: He's still there. At the end of every single day, he is still there and still wants to be with me. Call that man crazy.


He is literally my best friend. I can tell him everything and anything. I may not like some of the things he has to say back, but why would I want him to lie to me? I'd rather have him tell me exactly how he feels about something, even if I don't like it, than to have him lie about how he really feels.
He is consistently trying to make me see the best in myself. He encourages my strengths and is willing to help me on my weaknesses. He doesn't push me for anything I don't want. Yeah, he'd like me to eat healthier. Yeah, he's had his comments on my food choices. But, he's never once told me what to do about it. He will put his two cents on the table, then leave it for me to decide what I want to do with it.

I don't thank God as much as I should for bringing me to him or him to me.
And it's so weird how quickly your life can change.
How quickly you adapt to a new way that you have never been used to.
Kaiden is excited about actually having a father type figure in his life. And before anybody starts freaking out, no he doesn't call Cory "dad" and yes he knows that Cory is not his father.
But my son just absolutely adores him.

Just the other night, we were at Cory's sister's house for a bonfire. Kaiden wanted to play video games inside, I was playing Cards Against Humanity outside with a friend, his sister, and her friend, while the guys were sitting around the fire. Kaiden would come out of the home and run up to us and I'd ask "What's up?" thinking that he wanted me for something. But then he would just ask where Cory was and then want to bring him inside to show Cory something that he did.
Never once did Cory complain about being interrupted. He'd go every single time with Kaiden and be excited for him.

It's the little things like that.
When Cory would tickle Kaiden or do silly things to make him laugh.
Then add in his daughter.
She's such a sweetheart. The way her and Kaiden interact with each other is wonderful. I love spending the time I get to see her.

That is one of my favorite pictures of them.
There is another one, but my computer and phone want to be stupid and not find it.

As much as I'm going through a lot internally, at a battle with my own insecurities within my self having to do with only myself, I'm so proud to say that I actually have a man who's more than willing to stand beside me as I fight against 10 years of self loathing negativity and help me when need be.
Kaiden, Cory, and Kiarra are my rocks.
Without them, I would certainly be lost in a sea of who knows what inside my head.
I'm betting that going back to church would help me sort it all out as well.
Cory is going to come with me to my church sometimes and I will be going to his church sometimes.
I'm going to be 25 years old this year, about damn time I shed what I used to be and put on what I'm going to be.

Until next time. <3

July 16, 2015

So it's been two months since my last post and a few things have changed in my life.
Thanks to a friend, I was introduced to such a great guy.
We have known each other for almost a month now and have started dating, and I really could not be happier.
Kaiden just absolutely adores him and loves spending time at his house and with him and his daughter. She is just such a sweetheart and those two together have so much fun. We went to the beach the other day and the two brave souls went into the colder than I would like water. But they had a great time. :)
He treats me very well so far and for the first time in a relationship, I have no doubts or worries.
Yes, I am quite aware of some concerns that others may have, but really, this is mine and Kaiden's lives. If Kaiden wasn't at all comfortable around him, I wouldn't be in a relationship with him. Kaiden interacts very well with him and it warms my heart to see.

Also, there are concerns about how long I have known him before jumping into a relationship. Really. it's nobody's business. The amount of time that we spend together is literally like 75% talking about anything and everything and 25% watching movies. Spending time with my son and his daughter is constantly and consistently there. He doesn't have his daughter 100% of the time, and my sister is wonderful and babysits Kaiden a few times, but otherwise, Kaiden is almost always with me.

It's not the quantity that counts, it's the quality. We both feel like we have known each other for years.

And for once, my family actually likes a boyfriend of mine! Even my dad thinks he's okay. He likes that he has a job, a car, and his own place. The interactions between him and my father have been pleasant and even with some laughter! My father hasn't had one bad thing to say about him yet, and really it's rare.

As with a new relationship and one that actually seems to have legs to stand on, unlike my past flop of relationships, I had been on cloud 9 I guess you can say. Yeah, at first he became a huge constant in my life and I was talking about him all the time to anybody and everybody and yeah I have made people annoyed by how much and yeah it was affecting my work a bit, but that phase has passed. I'm back to focusing on work at work and such.

All in all, I'm so much happier. He helps me see the best in myself, comforts me when I'm down instead of kicking at me, and supports me in an emotional way that I haven't had before.
He's really a great guy, and I can't wait until people actually trust me and sees for themselves as well.

He wants to start going to my church Sunday mornings as well as me attending his Sunday nights.
Hopefully that can get worked out because I'm itching to get back. :)


Well, that's a little update I have. I'm sorry it took a couple of months. My next one won't be that far away.

Have a great day, everyone! :)

May 18, 2015

So I made the mistake of calling my mom a little bit ago because I had a situation that I wanted her opinion on. I knew as soon as the phone started ringing that I made the mistake and hung up. But she called me back and I answered, even though I wanted to ignore it. I asked her the question and in the end it just turned into a little fight because of a couple of reasons and by the end of the call we were both frustrated with each other and just said goodbye. The fight wasn't entirely about the question either.

For one, I absolutely hate talking on the phone. I find it awkward and annoying and I really hate when someone calls me, even if it's either of my parents. If it's a number that I don't recognize, I don't answer it and I let it go to voicemail. And even then, unless it's really important, I don't return the call. I literally hate talking on the phone.

For two, talking gets me exhausted. I actually use a lot of energy when talking. Obviously in my life I do have to talk so I do it. But if I have to repeat myself for any reason, I instantly get irritated. And I had to repeat a long sentence to my mom and that's how our fighting got started, she could tell that I was mad. But I literally do. It takes a lot of work for me to talk period. That's why texting is usually the best form of communication with me.

After the phone call, I vented to my sister and then I decided to google why it takes me so much energy to talk because I was curious as to the answers. I was actually pretty surprised when I seen a few top links all point to social anxiety which I swear up and down that I really do have.

Then there was this one site that was talking about the 4 types of social energy. From the 4, the one that sounds most like me is Negative High Social Energy. The person might talk too fast and be unfocused. This could be because the person gets stressed out about the situation or just comes from another stressful situation, such as a hectic day at work.

I literally talk too fast most of the time. I don't think so myself, but sometimes I can hear it and I think I should slow down but then it's way too slow and takes even MORE energy for me to talk.

It's just so weird to me how much social anxiety or certain kind of energy levels affect life.

April 26, 2015

I'm a complicated and complex person to understand. So much so that I can't even figure myself out. So how do I expect that any guy could? I don't. So that's why I believe that there really isn't someone out there for me. Some people say that everyone has a soul mate. But that really can't be true. At all. Some people don't want to be in relationships and are single until the day that they die. And what about those children, babies, young adults, or even single and never been married adults that die before finding their "one."

I want a boyfriend. I want my mate. I want that one person who is by my side through everything. The one person that won't give up on me, the one person who will still love me through my worst just as he would through my best.

I don't want to be alone. In fact, I'm so afraid of being alone that it stresses me out. I've had to be alone for years. Even though I am living with my sister and used to live with my cousin, but really, more than half the time it felt like I was still alone. I do have Kaiden, but he's a kid. He plays with his toys or watches his shows. Sometimes he hangs out with me...but what kid wants to always hang out with their mom?

I need that adult interaction and conversation. When I'm having a hard day, I need to be able to verbally vent to someone. Not just over texting. And when there is no one there to talk to, I feel like I'm going to just burst on the inside.

I don't understand why I have these needs. I really don't. But I do and I hate it. I wish I could be at peace.
But my life is anything but peace.
I'm so tired of working. I'm so tired of having to depend on someone else in order for my life to go smoothly.

It's times like now that I REALLY hate, and I mean HATE, Kaiden's father. For not being able to grow up and take the responsibility of being a responsible father.



Sometimes, I can't do it.
And I have literally nobody that will understand what I'm feeling.
All my friends either have a boyfriend, finace, or husband and don't really have the time or patience to talk to me.
Except for one friend, but she has enough things going on in her life, just like they all do.