July 16, 2015

So it's been two months since my last post and a few things have changed in my life.
Thanks to a friend, I was introduced to such a great guy.
We have known each other for almost a month now and have started dating, and I really could not be happier.
Kaiden just absolutely adores him and loves spending time at his house and with him and his daughter. She is just such a sweetheart and those two together have so much fun. We went to the beach the other day and the two brave souls went into the colder than I would like water. But they had a great time. :)
He treats me very well so far and for the first time in a relationship, I have no doubts or worries.
Yes, I am quite aware of some concerns that others may have, but really, this is mine and Kaiden's lives. If Kaiden wasn't at all comfortable around him, I wouldn't be in a relationship with him. Kaiden interacts very well with him and it warms my heart to see.

Also, there are concerns about how long I have known him before jumping into a relationship. Really. it's nobody's business. The amount of time that we spend together is literally like 75% talking about anything and everything and 25% watching movies. Spending time with my son and his daughter is constantly and consistently there. He doesn't have his daughter 100% of the time, and my sister is wonderful and babysits Kaiden a few times, but otherwise, Kaiden is almost always with me.

It's not the quantity that counts, it's the quality. We both feel like we have known each other for years.

And for once, my family actually likes a boyfriend of mine! Even my dad thinks he's okay. He likes that he has a job, a car, and his own place. The interactions between him and my father have been pleasant and even with some laughter! My father hasn't had one bad thing to say about him yet, and really it's rare.

As with a new relationship and one that actually seems to have legs to stand on, unlike my past flop of relationships, I had been on cloud 9 I guess you can say. Yeah, at first he became a huge constant in my life and I was talking about him all the time to anybody and everybody and yeah I have made people annoyed by how much and yeah it was affecting my work a bit, but that phase has passed. I'm back to focusing on work at work and such.

All in all, I'm so much happier. He helps me see the best in myself, comforts me when I'm down instead of kicking at me, and supports me in an emotional way that I haven't had before.
He's really a great guy, and I can't wait until people actually trust me and sees for themselves as well.

He wants to start going to my church Sunday mornings as well as me attending his Sunday nights.
Hopefully that can get worked out because I'm itching to get back. :)


Well, that's a little update I have. I'm sorry it took a couple of months. My next one won't be that far away.

Have a great day, everyone! :)

May 18, 2015

So I made the mistake of calling my mom a little bit ago because I had a situation that I wanted her opinion on. I knew as soon as the phone started ringing that I made the mistake and hung up. But she called me back and I answered, even though I wanted to ignore it. I asked her the question and in the end it just turned into a little fight because of a couple of reasons and by the end of the call we were both frustrated with each other and just said goodbye. The fight wasn't entirely about the question either.

For one, I absolutely hate talking on the phone. I find it awkward and annoying and I really hate when someone calls me, even if it's either of my parents. If it's a number that I don't recognize, I don't answer it and I let it go to voicemail. And even then, unless it's really important, I don't return the call. I literally hate talking on the phone.

For two, talking gets me exhausted. I actually use a lot of energy when talking. Obviously in my life I do have to talk so I do it. But if I have to repeat myself for any reason, I instantly get irritated. And I had to repeat a long sentence to my mom and that's how our fighting got started, she could tell that I was mad. But I literally do. It takes a lot of work for me to talk period. That's why texting is usually the best form of communication with me.

After the phone call, I vented to my sister and then I decided to google why it takes me so much energy to talk because I was curious as to the answers. I was actually pretty surprised when I seen a few top links all point to social anxiety which I swear up and down that I really do have.

Then there was this one site that was talking about the 4 types of social energy. From the 4, the one that sounds most like me is Negative High Social Energy. The person might talk too fast and be unfocused. This could be because the person gets stressed out about the situation or just comes from another stressful situation, such as a hectic day at work.

I literally talk too fast most of the time. I don't think so myself, but sometimes I can hear it and I think I should slow down but then it's way too slow and takes even MORE energy for me to talk.

It's just so weird to me how much social anxiety or certain kind of energy levels affect life.

April 26, 2015

I'm a complicated and complex person to understand. So much so that I can't even figure myself out. So how do I expect that any guy could? I don't. So that's why I believe that there really isn't someone out there for me. Some people say that everyone has a soul mate. But that really can't be true. At all. Some people don't want to be in relationships and are single until the day that they die. And what about those children, babies, young adults, or even single and never been married adults that die before finding their "one."

I want a boyfriend. I want my mate. I want that one person who is by my side through everything. The one person that won't give up on me, the one person who will still love me through my worst just as he would through my best.

I don't want to be alone. In fact, I'm so afraid of being alone that it stresses me out. I've had to be alone for years. Even though I am living with my sister and used to live with my cousin, but really, more than half the time it felt like I was still alone. I do have Kaiden, but he's a kid. He plays with his toys or watches his shows. Sometimes he hangs out with me...but what kid wants to always hang out with their mom?

I need that adult interaction and conversation. When I'm having a hard day, I need to be able to verbally vent to someone. Not just over texting. And when there is no one there to talk to, I feel like I'm going to just burst on the inside.

I don't understand why I have these needs. I really don't. But I do and I hate it. I wish I could be at peace.
But my life is anything but peace.
I'm so tired of working. I'm so tired of having to depend on someone else in order for my life to go smoothly.

It's times like now that I REALLY hate, and I mean HATE, Kaiden's father. For not being able to grow up and take the responsibility of being a responsible father.



Sometimes, I can't do it.
And I have literally nobody that will understand what I'm feeling.
All my friends either have a boyfriend, finace, or husband and don't really have the time or patience to talk to me.
Except for one friend, but she has enough things going on in her life, just like they all do.

March 28, 2015

So I know that it's been 3 weeks since my last post, and for those who actually check on a regular basis (if there are any), I apologize. I haven't had much to say until now.

I'm a people observer. I feel like I have a higher tendency to pay extra attention to my surroundings and people and everything that goes on. This isn't all of the time, but when it is time, I notice alot and I have a lot to say but never actually do.

So here goes a rant. Ready?

First thing I want to bitch about is opinions.
I don't understand why some people just get so damn bent out of shape when someone has a differing opinion than theirs. Like for real? You can have your opinion, but if others disagree with you, they are wrong and stupid and just needs to shut up? Nah. That's not how it goes.
Why beat down on others if they not only have an opinion that differs, but also a belief that differs. Why can't people just accept the damn differences and move on? You don't have to be best friends with them but at least have some mother fucking respect for the other just as you would like to have the same respect back. It's really, very truthfully honest and serious...NOT THAT HARD!
People get hurt when their opinion is knocked down and beaten and called pretty much nothing. And then those same people get told to get over it, suck it up, or that they have paper thin skin and shouldn't take things so seriously.
The people that say those hurtful words need to learn to get over their damn selves and out of their own asses.
Newsflash: Not everyone has to agree with you.
This world ain't about just YOU and YOUR beliefs and opinions.
It's about EVERYONE and THEIR beliefs and opinions along with you.

This especially pisses me off when it comes to religion.
I consider myself a Christian. I am not able to go to church on the regular basis due to work, and I'm not so hardcore or strict in the religion aspect.
HOWEVER, I believe whole heartedly that God is not dead. I believe He sent His only son to die on the cross for our sins. I believe that He forgives for EVERYTHING. I believe that the only way to Heaven is through him. I believe that He made everything. I believe that He loves me.  I believe that He has a plan for everybody and that He made everything happen for a reason.

Those are MY beliefs.
You can not believe in God and that's YOUR choice and YOUR opinion.
If I talk about my belief in God to you in a casual conversation and telling you just what I believe and you get offended because you don't believe and then you think I'm pushing my religion on you so I shouldn't talk about it. It offends you so I can't talk about MY beliefs.
But then you talk about your beliefs against God and everything He stands for and that offends me but you don't have to not talk about it.

So it's not okay that I talk about my beliefs because they offend you but it's okay for you to talk about your beliefs even though they offend me?

You say you have a right to talk about whatever you want.
Last I knew, I had the same right.

Obviously, this "you" that I have been referring to is not specifically you the reader. Just trying to make my point and not actually accusing anyone of doing this specifically to me but I have seen and heard of it being done and it absolutely disgusts me.

Honestly, I don't care what your beliefs are. I mean, I would obviously love if you believed in God, but I can't make any decisions, form any opinions, or make your beliefs for you. They are your choices. Not all of my closest friends are Christians. But I still love each and every one of them, despite that. Yeah, I hope that one day they get saved, but all I can do for them is talk about my experiences at the appropriate time and pray for them. Ultimately it is between them and God and who am I to judge them for what they do or do not believe?

I wish others could look at it from that viewpoint.
Just respect others and their different opinions and beliefs.



Now for the second part of my rant. It's about hockey so honestly if you don't care, don't read. Whatever, lol.

I haven't been to a hockey game in a few months until today and it was such a great game.
However, one of my BIGGEST pet peeves never fails to happen. The most annoying thing to me at a hockey game is when people around me are very clearly and obviously not pay attention to the game by holding conversations that have absolutely nothing to do with the game or they are on their phones, looking bored.
If you wanted to talk about something else or sit on facebook, coulda saved yourself about $80 at the least and stayed home.

If you don't want to stand up and cheer when the team that you are supporting gets a goal, fine. But don't sit there and bitch about the people cheering around you. It's a fucking hockey game. Yeah. People are going to fucking cheer!

Unnecessary yelling. This kid today annoyed the fuck out of me by this same loud pitch constant screaming about nothing. I had to plug my ear to tune him out. Cheer when something good actually happens or that you're excited, I guess. But change the tone somewhat.

Banging on the glass. The players don't care that you are there. Literally. They are too busy making more money in one night than you will in a month. They are trained to focus only on their game and not you banging on the glass to get their attention. You make yourself look like an idiot.

Drunk girls. Please control yourself. You don't need to be flailing your arms all over like a drunken idiot and spilling your beer on those around you because you are stumbling around. I promise you, you don't look cute, hunny.

Well that's really all I'm going to say tonight.
I can go on and on but I'm kinda tired and my son is getting restless.
So, I hope everyone has a good night. :)

March 7, 2015

Today I was sitting and talking with a friend from work today and we were talking about him wanting to be an engineer. I then said that I just need to get into the NHL some how and that's what I want to. I said PR (Public Relations) between the media and players is what I'm actually really what I want to do but I'm not really good with the public speaking and the communications just yet. I don't have a lot of confidence.

"It will get there," he said.

I was quiet for a few minutes.

I mean, I don't really think he knew what impact of that simple sentence he said would have on me.

When it comes to confidence I literally have like zilch. I have quite a few things I can blame it on and do but I won't get that deep and point fingers. Lately, I've started something new to me and it helps with almost everything. Stress, anxiety, my sleep issues, and just helps my overall happiness and has a lasting effect. I also start to feel my confidence growing a little bit as I let some things go. Some people know what it is and those of you that I haven't told could probably figure it out. And I'm just going to point out that I don't really care what other people's opinions of it are.

But just the fact that somebody actually believed that I will get my confidence. Nobody has really offered that kind of support. Most people just shrug and brush it off like it's whatever. And it probably really is whatever to him, but he said the words that I have needed to hear for so long.

So thanks, bud. Even though you won't read this, hahahah.

In other words, things are going alright besides my stupid car. It keeps stalling out and is just too frustrating. The part that is needed is $140 and that's just a lot right this second. I don't have that spare money after rent and bills and whatnot until next Friday but that part is needed like literally right now. It's stressing me out just to drive.

This summer, I plan on moving as long as I have the money to. It's going to take $1500 to move but this new place is a little bit bigger, not by a huge amount, but bigger and better than where I am now. It actually has a washer and dryer in the apartment instead of having to use the laundry room and spend $3 just to do a load and dry. It's ridiculous. So I'm excited for that.

Well, I don't have much more to say. I really should be getting on cleaning my apartment and what not right now. Enough distractions!

February 21, 2015

So it's been quite the while since my last post.
It's not that a lot has really happened, per say. I just haven't really thought of it much.
I mean, honestly though, not a lot has happened.
Still working at both places. In fact, just had my evaluation and got a raise at Fazolis.

Oh. And my son knocked one of my front teeth out.
It wasn't a huge deal except that it kind of was.
I thought I would have been so embarrassed and have so many people staring at me but I have such fantastic family, friends, and co-workers that I honestly kept forgetting about it.
Then I got used to eating with my front tooth again and let me tell you, that felt amazing!
It was gone for 2 weeks until I had my root canal and they made a temporary tooth.
I got so used to it being gone that it feels really weird to have it back.

And I can actually talk without it taking a lot out of me again.

Soooo. I mean, nothing else really to report.
I've been pretty much on a one track mind lately.
And that was work and Kaiden!

Hopefully soon I can get back into a many thought kind of way and post more posts here!

Sorry for the sucky one right now.

February 2, 2015

So the first two weeks at the gas station are down in the books. It took a couple of days to really figure out what they do different there than my old station and how things work and where things are located...but now I feel like I'm back to a natural state. It does feel very nice to have a job that I'm not totally dependent on. I have never had that feeling before.
It just feels like I was a 7 month vacation.

In other news...tonight I decided Kaiden and I needed a big change. Not quite sure what that changes really entails just yet. I definitely want to get him in sports. I have looked up the signs and symptoms of ADHD and every single one I see describes Kaiden very much so. It would explain some of the problems he is having in school...listening to directions, lack of focus, interrupting others, etc.

If he does in fact turn out to have ADHD...I would not put him on any medication right away. Hopefully sports will give him an outlet.

I have decided to cancel my Florida vacation as much as it pains me to do so. Nobody can afford to take the time off or the money to go with me. So a bunch of Cedar Point trips are in the works. As well as a vacation to Arizona. :)

Well that's all the updates I have for now.
Have a great night!