April 14, 2014

Self confidence is something that I have struggled with for years and still am struggling with now. I don't see anything good in me, anything worth anything. There must be something because my son loves me and so do friends and family, but I just don't see it.

Self doubt is a constant thing in my everyday life.

I think most guys are too good for me. The ones that I am attracted to.

I don't want to feel like this forever.
I don't want to hate myself forever.
There is just about nothing that I like myself.
I don't know what my son and friends see.
I hate my looks. Absolutely hands down.
I hate myself.

I am totally and completely jealous of just about all of my friends.
I am the only single one out of my best friends. It kills to see or hear about their significant others with them. I know some read this and I'm sorry. I can't help of be jealous.

I long for someone to even look at me as a possible soul mate.
I really don't care if it sounds shallow. I don't really care.

I have a huge fear of rejection. I won't put myself into any position that would even have the possibly of rejection. I've been hurt by too many stupid guys. I can't allow it to happen again.
I am in the mood right now where I just hate every couple.

I know all this is coming after I said that I had a crush on someone...
I didn't get rejected.
He doesn't even know who I am.
I've just been thinking about all of this.
Especially after I asked myself why I ever would think some guy would want someone who already has a kid. Then it all spiraled down.

What makes me think that I deserve someone as wonderful as he sounds?
What makes me think that I deserve anyone at all?
Maybe is that what God planned for me?
For me to hate myself? For me to be so lonely and jealous of everybody?
If He did, then it's working..