I feel like something is missing in my life.
Don't get me wrong, I've been the happiest with my life since I can last remember.
I have a full time job with good pay that I actually love.
My son is the healthiest he has been after the procedures he had done this year (tonsillectomy, adenoidectomy, and a pre-cancerous mole removed).
My financial situation is slowly, but surely, getting better.
I have the most wonderful best friends who I have had friendships with for years.
I also have quite a few new friendships that are growing every day.
Despite all of this...I still feel that something is missing.
And it's very obvious.
My partner is missing.
My son's father figure.
My soulmate.
This year, I've seen so many people on facebook get engaged or married. So many people from my graduating class, and 3 weddings in the span of a couple of months from church between very wonderful people.
As happy as I am for all...I can't help but wonder:
When is my time?
I don't want to rush God's plans for me.
Even if I could...there is no possible way.
But then I wonder, what really are his plans for me?
What if his plans don't include me actually knowing what love really is between two soulmates.
This is certainly not the first time I have expressed this concern.
And I always receive the dreaded and VERY annoying: But you have Kaiden.
Yes. I do have my son.
And his love is the most wonderful and precious thing I could ask for.
But he is my son. Not my soulmate. Those are two very different types of love. Why am I not allowed to have both?
What is so special (or not special) about me that I can't experience that type of love?
Sure, I've had boyfriends in the past.
Have I ever loved any of them?
I thought I had at the time.
Was it real love?
No. It was lust.
I've never had a boyfriend through any holiday or even my birthday.
Okay, actually that's a lie.
I had one boyfriend through July 4th...
I've never had a guy make me feel so special. I've never been spoiled. And by spoiled, I don't mean materialistically. I mean, emotionally. I've never had a guy actually care for me and my well-being.
I've never had any guy that actually wanted to be there for me or be with me.
I know I don't need a guy.
I'm supposedly a strong, single mom that doesn't need a man.
Okay.
That doesn't mean that I don't want one.
Then I get told that I have unrealistic standards.
Since when are having a job and a car unrealistic standards?
If a guy doesn't have a car, that's not the end of the world, but I'm not a damn taxi cab. I shouldn't always have to drive to see someone. Maybe I'd actually want to stay in and have them come to me. If they can find their own transportation half the time, that's not a problem.
I'm also not someone's ATM.
I work hard for my money and unless I'm married, I don't have the obligation to support anyone except myself and my son.
Sure, I have my idea of how I want him to be and look.
My absolute dream guy is probably non-existant.
Or if he is, I guarantee you that he would never want to be with someone that is me.
I wish some people would actually consider how I feel about this.
I wish some people would just shut up and not say I don't need a man.
So I'm supposed to go through life feeling so alone?
What happens after my son graduates and moves out?
And it's just me at home.
My friends would all have their own families at home.
And I would be alone with no one.
Think about that for a second.
Before just throwing any consideration for my feelings out the window and opening your mouth and telling me how I should feel about this subject.
Monday, December 15, 2014
Sunday, December 7, 2014
December 7, 2014
Sometimes I just watch my son. I just look at him. And then my heart breaks for him.
He has to grow up without a father because his father is too selfish to try hard enough.
Now, that may sound bad to someone who has no idea the back story and everything I had gone through with his father.
Try hard enough? So the fact that he always claims that his misses and loves his kids isn't good enough?
No. It really is not.
As a parent, I've had to give up a lot for my son.
I couldn't go to college right away and be away from home like I wanted. I never got to experience that college dorm life like most of the people I graduated with.
I don't have that many friends anymore. The best friends that I do have, I've had them for years and wouldn't want to be without them. But there are some friends I have that don't have kids but want to hang out and want me to find a babysitter. I can't just go out for a night.
Even though I have gone to some Red Wings games without Kaiden, I've turned down my fair share as well just to stay home with him.
I can't do my dream job with being Public Relations somewhere in hockey due to the long hours away from home and Kaiden.
Please don't get me wrong.
If given a choice, I wouldn't have it any other way.
I gave up a lot for my son. I made sacrifices. That's what parents do.
So just because his dad comes around once in a while and says he misses Kaiden and loves him....
sorry that just doesn't cut it.
I told you what you have to do to be allowed in his life.
You still choose to do those and that's your CHOICE.
You have to make sacrifices to be a parent.
It doesn't go on just your terms.
I made sacrifices, you do too.
I do all the raising, you aren't allowed to come in and try to claim any of the credit.
That's my biggest issue about him.
He has to grow up without a father because his father is too selfish to try hard enough.
Now, that may sound bad to someone who has no idea the back story and everything I had gone through with his father.
Try hard enough? So the fact that he always claims that his misses and loves his kids isn't good enough?
No. It really is not.
As a parent, I've had to give up a lot for my son.
I couldn't go to college right away and be away from home like I wanted. I never got to experience that college dorm life like most of the people I graduated with.
I don't have that many friends anymore. The best friends that I do have, I've had them for years and wouldn't want to be without them. But there are some friends I have that don't have kids but want to hang out and want me to find a babysitter. I can't just go out for a night.
Even though I have gone to some Red Wings games without Kaiden, I've turned down my fair share as well just to stay home with him.
I can't do my dream job with being Public Relations somewhere in hockey due to the long hours away from home and Kaiden.
Please don't get me wrong.
If given a choice, I wouldn't have it any other way.
I gave up a lot for my son. I made sacrifices. That's what parents do.
So just because his dad comes around once in a while and says he misses Kaiden and loves him....
sorry that just doesn't cut it.
I told you what you have to do to be allowed in his life.
You still choose to do those and that's your CHOICE.
You have to make sacrifices to be a parent.
It doesn't go on just your terms.
I made sacrifices, you do too.
I do all the raising, you aren't allowed to come in and try to claim any of the credit.
That's my biggest issue about him.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
December 6, 2014
So I had a really rough week. It was so mentally draining that I actually had an anxiety attack at work.
Monday: I get a call and ask if I wanted overtime. Well, I'm not going to say no! So I went in and worked 10 1/2 hours, which is long for me. The reasoning: the pasta cooker went down and the kettle that is the alternative to cooking pasta was going to take a long time to clean out so my boss had to go to our Alpine store to cook the pasta. It would have just been three people at the store so I needed to come in.
Tuesday: Kid's night. With 6 people. That's one person on every position. Well, actually I had someone else, but he was needed to do bread and I really didn't think about bringing him up to help which would have actually helped me freak out less but whatever. It would have been 10 people, but three were at a fundraiser with some food...and it was never ending slam session. We did $1000 in 2 hours. I was on steam which I'm not really fast at, but I knew it better than everyone I had on, so I had no choice and it sucked. I freaked out, I cried, I yelled at like everyone but two people. THANKFULLY, my boss got back in time and helped catch everything up while I went to the cooler and cried for like 30 seconds before helping out in the dining room. That's the first time I ever really thought about quitting. I have this stupid fight or flight thing when things get hard.
Wednesday: Two HUGE catering orders. Like needed to be done before opening or shortly there after. At the same time. Enough stress in itself. I was supposed to have that day off but came in to help.
Thursday: Just mentally exhausted and couldn't think straight. Got frustrated at like everything by the end of my shift. I had even told my boss that I was starting to get sick of that place. To which he just looked at me and said, "I don't think that's something you should say to your boss." Lol.
BUT. I did get to see my Wings win on Thursday night, with my fave player scoring the first AND last goal of the game.
And just watched him score a goal in tonight's game to break it out of the tie.
Friday was my day off and it was a good day. Kaiden got to re-meet his dad's sister Jazi. He was really excited to meet her and unfortunately he couldn't meet his baby cousin David as he was in critical care at Helen DeVos, but it was really good to see Jazi. We hadn't seen her in 4 years so Kaiden didn't remember her. Of course he was shy while we were visiting her. But she was so happy to see him. The first thing she said was, "He looks like my brother."
Today at work really wasn't bad...just kind of a pain with cooking pasta in the kettle instead. That's going to be my job tomorrow...thankfully I have a manager trainee tomorrow so he can run the shift instead of me.
So there's an update. <3 Now to finish watching the game and then fall asleep like my child!
Monday: I get a call and ask if I wanted overtime. Well, I'm not going to say no! So I went in and worked 10 1/2 hours, which is long for me. The reasoning: the pasta cooker went down and the kettle that is the alternative to cooking pasta was going to take a long time to clean out so my boss had to go to our Alpine store to cook the pasta. It would have just been three people at the store so I needed to come in.
Tuesday: Kid's night. With 6 people. That's one person on every position. Well, actually I had someone else, but he was needed to do bread and I really didn't think about bringing him up to help which would have actually helped me freak out less but whatever. It would have been 10 people, but three were at a fundraiser with some food...and it was never ending slam session. We did $1000 in 2 hours. I was on steam which I'm not really fast at, but I knew it better than everyone I had on, so I had no choice and it sucked. I freaked out, I cried, I yelled at like everyone but two people. THANKFULLY, my boss got back in time and helped catch everything up while I went to the cooler and cried for like 30 seconds before helping out in the dining room. That's the first time I ever really thought about quitting. I have this stupid fight or flight thing when things get hard.
Wednesday: Two HUGE catering orders. Like needed to be done before opening or shortly there after. At the same time. Enough stress in itself. I was supposed to have that day off but came in to help.
Thursday: Just mentally exhausted and couldn't think straight. Got frustrated at like everything by the end of my shift. I had even told my boss that I was starting to get sick of that place. To which he just looked at me and said, "I don't think that's something you should say to your boss." Lol.
BUT. I did get to see my Wings win on Thursday night, with my fave player scoring the first AND last goal of the game.
And just watched him score a goal in tonight's game to break it out of the tie.
Friday was my day off and it was a good day. Kaiden got to re-meet his dad's sister Jazi. He was really excited to meet her and unfortunately he couldn't meet his baby cousin David as he was in critical care at Helen DeVos, but it was really good to see Jazi. We hadn't seen her in 4 years so Kaiden didn't remember her. Of course he was shy while we were visiting her. But she was so happy to see him. The first thing she said was, "He looks like my brother."
Today at work really wasn't bad...just kind of a pain with cooking pasta in the kettle instead. That's going to be my job tomorrow...thankfully I have a manager trainee tomorrow so he can run the shift instead of me.
So there's an update. <3 Now to finish watching the game and then fall asleep like my child!
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
December 3, 2014
So I decided that I'm going to take some of those quizzes that "tell" you what you are supposedly like. Just call it another insight to my world.
Which Mythological Creature Are You?
I got the Good Dragon. It says: You are the strongest, fastest, and smartest creature on the planet. That is a fact to be proud of! Others adore you. Even though you might be a little clumsy at the start, you will soon mature into a powerful beacon of hope and kindness.
What Type Of Friend Are You?
I got Honest Confidant. It says: We all know there are times in our lives when we need to hear the honest truth. That is when your friends call you! Whether it's telling them to dump that less than desirable partner, or offering them some sound fashion tips, friends can count on you to tell them the truth in a way that is respectful and dignified. You are the one they go to when they need affirming advice that will help them make the right decisions. You are a wise and compassionate companion who always keeps it real and that's why your friends love you so much!
Those were found on playbuzz.com. I found some of the other quizzes to be quite crappy and boring. So I googled personality quizzes and came to the website personalityquiz.com. I did one about what is causing stress in my life. It asked me to choose three of the four scenarios (just pictures). I chose A house with a garden, a group of people taking photos, and a galloping horse. I left out the one of a statue of the goddess Venus. The analysis: Leaving out the statue of venus means that you are stressed over matters of the heart. Not exactly relationship problems, but more to do with being tired of trying to settling things with your girlfriend/boyfriend.
Well, I don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend...but matters of the heart I do have struggles with.
So that's another little snippet into my personality I guess? Sorry for the short and probably boring post. I hope to have another one up within the next day or so!
Which Mythological Creature Are You?
I got the Good Dragon. It says: You are the strongest, fastest, and smartest creature on the planet. That is a fact to be proud of! Others adore you. Even though you might be a little clumsy at the start, you will soon mature into a powerful beacon of hope and kindness.
What Type Of Friend Are You?
I got Honest Confidant. It says: We all know there are times in our lives when we need to hear the honest truth. That is when your friends call you! Whether it's telling them to dump that less than desirable partner, or offering them some sound fashion tips, friends can count on you to tell them the truth in a way that is respectful and dignified. You are the one they go to when they need affirming advice that will help them make the right decisions. You are a wise and compassionate companion who always keeps it real and that's why your friends love you so much!
Those were found on playbuzz.com. I found some of the other quizzes to be quite crappy and boring. So I googled personality quizzes and came to the website personalityquiz.com. I did one about what is causing stress in my life. It asked me to choose three of the four scenarios (just pictures). I chose A house with a garden, a group of people taking photos, and a galloping horse. I left out the one of a statue of the goddess Venus. The analysis: Leaving out the statue of venus means that you are stressed over matters of the heart. Not exactly relationship problems, but more to do with being tired of trying to settling things with your girlfriend/boyfriend.
Well, I don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend...but matters of the heart I do have struggles with.
So that's another little snippet into my personality I guess? Sorry for the short and probably boring post. I hope to have another one up within the next day or so!
Thursday, November 27, 2014
November 27, 2014
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
Thanksgiving is a day that you think about what you are thankful for. Although, really every day you should think about what you are thankful for, but I guess you just announce it on social media more on Thanksgiving. That being said, here is a list of just some of the things and people I am thankful for:
I complain a bit (although not as much as I used to), because it's easy to forget to be thankful for what you have.
Think about what you are thankful for. Maybe you already have.
I hope each and everyone of you have a great Thanksgiving with family and friends!
Thanksgiving is a day that you think about what you are thankful for. Although, really every day you should think about what you are thankful for, but I guess you just announce it on social media more on Thanksgiving. That being said, here is a list of just some of the things and people I am thankful for:
- MY SON!
- God and my faith
- My family- parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles
- The best friends any one can ask for.
- My cat
- Some of the coolest people that I call my friends.
- Veterns and Active Duty Military
- To be living in a free country
- A full time job at a good pay
- Financial stability
- A roof over my head
- A car
- The best co-workers
- A great boss
- My cell phone
- Having cable and internet
- Food in my cupboards
- Books
- HOCKEY!
- My computer
- Electricity
- Heat
- Clothes on my back
- Good health for both my son and I.
- The various way to communicate with friends that live away from me
- To have access to a higher education
- To have had a great education in grade school
I complain a bit (although not as much as I used to), because it's easy to forget to be thankful for what you have.
Think about what you are thankful for. Maybe you already have.
I hope each and everyone of you have a great Thanksgiving with family and friends!
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
November 25, 2014 (WARNING: CUSS WORDS! DO NOT READ IF SWEARING OFFENDS YOU)
I'm just going to through this out there because of how ridiculous this all is.
I have a friend who had a break up with her boyfriend of 3 years. It wasn't exactly the very cleanest break up, but it eventually quite soon turned out okay and she moved on from it. But now...the guy's "girlfriend" or whatever she thinks she is to him, has been harassing my friend non-stop on facebook first, then she made up a twitter to stalk and talk shit about her on there.
My friend has NOT tried to contact her ex in any way, shape, or form. She has not once tried to get back with him or start shit with him. She has left him and his family alone since the break up.
But this girl. She keeps trying to say that my friend gets everything handed to her, she has mommy and daddy's money, try working and providing for herself on her own, she's crazy....all lies about my friend.
For one, I fucking WORK with my friend. She's a hard ass worker and she has a full time job with better pay than that girl. So she doesn't live on her own....who the fuck cares but you little girl?! It doesn't mean she's always going to live on her own. She bought her own car with her own money, she buys herself things with HER money, not her parents. She doesn't get everything handed to her and she's not a spoiled bitch. She's most definitely not the crazy one in this situation. You are, because you can't leave her alone.
I don't understand why some girls out there just think that they are so bad ass. You are so quick to fight someone that doesn't even have anything to do with your life. You don't care about being cute or classy? You're not worried about going to jail? Wow. What a winner. You're just crazy.
Grow up. Get a life. Leave my friend alone and get on with your life. You're not cool. You make yourself look extra pathetic and you're just annoying. Do you seriously have nothing better to do than to stalk someone's social pages and start crap with them and their friend?
My friend is done and moved on from that guy that you think she still wants.
Pssttt. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Good luck to you with that one.
I have a friend who had a break up with her boyfriend of 3 years. It wasn't exactly the very cleanest break up, but it eventually quite soon turned out okay and she moved on from it. But now...the guy's "girlfriend" or whatever she thinks she is to him, has been harassing my friend non-stop on facebook first, then she made up a twitter to stalk and talk shit about her on there.
My friend has NOT tried to contact her ex in any way, shape, or form. She has not once tried to get back with him or start shit with him. She has left him and his family alone since the break up.
But this girl. She keeps trying to say that my friend gets everything handed to her, she has mommy and daddy's money, try working and providing for herself on her own, she's crazy....all lies about my friend.
For one, I fucking WORK with my friend. She's a hard ass worker and she has a full time job with better pay than that girl. So she doesn't live on her own....who the fuck cares but you little girl?! It doesn't mean she's always going to live on her own. She bought her own car with her own money, she buys herself things with HER money, not her parents. She doesn't get everything handed to her and she's not a spoiled bitch. She's most definitely not the crazy one in this situation. You are, because you can't leave her alone.
I don't understand why some girls out there just think that they are so bad ass. You are so quick to fight someone that doesn't even have anything to do with your life. You don't care about being cute or classy? You're not worried about going to jail? Wow. What a winner. You're just crazy.
Grow up. Get a life. Leave my friend alone and get on with your life. You're not cool. You make yourself look extra pathetic and you're just annoying. Do you seriously have nothing better to do than to stalk someone's social pages and start crap with them and their friend?
My friend is done and moved on from that guy that you think she still wants.
Pssttt. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Good luck to you with that one.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
November 22, 2014
If you have known me for a few years...maybe even since middle school, you'd know that I wasn't particularly happy with my life. It wasn't that it was bad or anything. My parents were (and still are) married, there was a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back, everything I needed and then some. But it was those teenage years where you just aren't satisfied or you wanted something else.
I wasn't exactly popular in school, in any of the schools I had been to. I was more so the outcast that dressed in dark clothing and was just plain weird. Hey, I admit it. Then I think back and more than half of my best friends I had met in middle school. They were weird, too. ;)
All through high school and the early part of my adult life...all I did was want, want, want. I wanted what I couldn't have. I was jealous of those that had what I wanted.
Like relationships. I never had a serious relationship, not even with the father of my son. That was more a summer fling that ended up with a child. The most amazing child I could ask for, by the way. None of my relationships to date have lasted more than 2 months. I never had a deep connection with any of them.
Now, I have some friends that are married, engaged, or in long term relationships and for a while I had been jealous while being happy for them. I wanted (and still do want) a relationship with my soul mate. I think about it each and every day.
As of late...my contentment has grown. Sure, there are still things I want that I don't have now...but it's like for once I'm not constantly chasing after something else, the next thing.
I have a full time job that are meeting the bills and giving me spending money.
My son is happy and healthy.
I'm literally in such a good mood right now.
My life doesn't suck like I thought some years ago. ;)
I wasn't exactly popular in school, in any of the schools I had been to. I was more so the outcast that dressed in dark clothing and was just plain weird. Hey, I admit it. Then I think back and more than half of my best friends I had met in middle school. They were weird, too. ;)
All through high school and the early part of my adult life...all I did was want, want, want. I wanted what I couldn't have. I was jealous of those that had what I wanted.
Like relationships. I never had a serious relationship, not even with the father of my son. That was more a summer fling that ended up with a child. The most amazing child I could ask for, by the way. None of my relationships to date have lasted more than 2 months. I never had a deep connection with any of them.
Now, I have some friends that are married, engaged, or in long term relationships and for a while I had been jealous while being happy for them. I wanted (and still do want) a relationship with my soul mate. I think about it each and every day.
As of late...my contentment has grown. Sure, there are still things I want that I don't have now...but it's like for once I'm not constantly chasing after something else, the next thing.
I have a full time job that are meeting the bills and giving me spending money.
My son is happy and healthy.
I'm literally in such a good mood right now.
My life doesn't suck like I thought some years ago. ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)