So it's been almost 3 months since I last updated! Kaiden and I have moved in with my boyfriend and we don't have internet at our home. I just recently found out that his mom has wifi so currently I am on the front porch, waiting for Kaiden's bus to come in a little less than an hour but I have quite a few things to catch up on online.
Things have been going pretty well for the most part.
Still getting used to being in an actual relationship and not a stupid 2 month fling like every previous one has been before. It's definitely something new for me with not just making my own decisions for Kaiden and I but actually having someone to talk to about each one before being made.
Kaiden still absolutely adores Cory and definitely looks up to him as his father figure and we both are completely okay with that.
We finished up Kaiden and Kiarra's room and the kids love it.
Kaiden and Kiarra still get along very well and love spending time and seeing each other. I love watching them interact with each other. They are both biologically only children in their families so they are really liking having a sibling type friend at home. I have a feeling that they will be best friends. :)
Work is work. Hahahah. Not much to say on it really. Just going through the motions and making the money to support ourselves, get caught up on bills, and save for the big plans we have next year like a Seattle trip and a Disneyland trip, house, and so on.
I'm very happy with how this year has turned out.
There is not a single doubt in my mind that my boyfriend is the love of my life. I know some people may think that I'm crazy for saying that, or that we haven't been together long enough for me to know...but really I have to say to back off. I know what I feel and I love the special bond between Cory and I. I have definitely never felt this way with anybody and I never will with anyone else. Just him. He is my One.
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Sunday, July 26, 2015
July 26, 2015
So these past two weeks or so, I haven't been myself.
And I've spent that time fully believing that it was me.
I felt like I was annoying everybody, I felt like my boyfriend was getting mad with everything I did when really that was NOT the case at all. I felt like I couldn't talk to anybody.
So I've kept my mouth shut. I've kept everything bottled in.
What does it do to me?
It makes me freak out.
It makes me doubt myself and everyone around me.
It makes me think that I'm doing everything wrong.
Then I finally realized.
No, it's not me.
I mean, it's me, but it's because I let it become me.
It's because I let things get too deep where they shouldn't go and I let it change who I was.
I couldn't be myself just because a couple of people who I used to have respect for, who I used to trust, who I used to be close friends with, didn't like who I was.
People changed. It's a part of life.
But I was looked down on and judged because of a few choices in my life that they didn't agree with.
And instead of talking to me about, they made their own assumptions. They decided that my friendship with them over many years meant literally nothing to them and they didn't care anymore. And really that's all fine and dandy. Don't want to be friends with someone? Cut the ties and call it good. Don't put them down about their life, saying nasty things to them that you absolutely 100% KNOW would hurt them.
One of those choices they didn't approve of was my boyfriend.
Never mind the fact that neither of them even met him, talked to him, or knew much about him.
Never mind the fact that Kaiden and I were and still are and actually always will be happy with him.
Never mind the fact that I have finally found the one person who is willing to go through my ups and downs with me, who's willing to be there whenever I need him, who's willing to step in and help with Kaiden if need be.
Never mind that he actually engages with Kaiden and makes Kaiden laugh.
Never mind that he actually makes plans for us instead of sitting around on his ass.
Never mind that he actually has a job and works to support himself and his daughter.
Never mind that he actually has intelligence to talk about things other than the stupid stuff other guys are more concerned about in today's society.
Never mind that facebook, snapchat, instagram, etc aren't his whole life.
Never mind that he makes me happy. Oh, did I already say that?
But to them, he was a bad decision.
Well if he is a wrong decision, then I don't want to be right.
He's seen so many sides of me in the past month. He's seen me sad, angry, upset, worried, happy, quiet.
Where is he?
Still right by my side, wanting the best for me.
After the years of prayers for God to give me a great guy, one that loves me no matter what...
I'm not letting anyone stand in my way of being happy.
So I'm done letting what you two said get to me like you both wanted. It ate at me, and it gave me pain. But see, true friends would never have made me try to choose between their friendship and my happiness. I've wanted to be truly happy for so long, there was no way I was going to give that up as long as Kaiden was happy as well.
The fact that it's taken me longer than it should have to believe it is the sad part.
I'm sorry that our friendships had to end. I'm done with being bitter about it. I'm done with pretending that it was all on me.
I wish nothing but the best for you two. Our chapters just had to end.
Life is weird like that.
And I've spent that time fully believing that it was me.
I felt like I was annoying everybody, I felt like my boyfriend was getting mad with everything I did when really that was NOT the case at all. I felt like I couldn't talk to anybody.
So I've kept my mouth shut. I've kept everything bottled in.
What does it do to me?
It makes me freak out.
It makes me doubt myself and everyone around me.
It makes me think that I'm doing everything wrong.
Then I finally realized.
No, it's not me.
I mean, it's me, but it's because I let it become me.
It's because I let things get too deep where they shouldn't go and I let it change who I was.
I couldn't be myself just because a couple of people who I used to have respect for, who I used to trust, who I used to be close friends with, didn't like who I was.
People changed. It's a part of life.
But I was looked down on and judged because of a few choices in my life that they didn't agree with.
And instead of talking to me about, they made their own assumptions. They decided that my friendship with them over many years meant literally nothing to them and they didn't care anymore. And really that's all fine and dandy. Don't want to be friends with someone? Cut the ties and call it good. Don't put them down about their life, saying nasty things to them that you absolutely 100% KNOW would hurt them.
One of those choices they didn't approve of was my boyfriend.
Never mind the fact that neither of them even met him, talked to him, or knew much about him.
Never mind the fact that Kaiden and I were and still are and actually always will be happy with him.
Never mind the fact that I have finally found the one person who is willing to go through my ups and downs with me, who's willing to be there whenever I need him, who's willing to step in and help with Kaiden if need be.
Never mind that he actually engages with Kaiden and makes Kaiden laugh.
Never mind that he actually makes plans for us instead of sitting around on his ass.
Never mind that he actually has a job and works to support himself and his daughter.
Never mind that he actually has intelligence to talk about things other than the stupid stuff other guys are more concerned about in today's society.
Never mind that facebook, snapchat, instagram, etc aren't his whole life.
Never mind that he makes me happy. Oh, did I already say that?
But to them, he was a bad decision.
Well if he is a wrong decision, then I don't want to be right.
He's seen so many sides of me in the past month. He's seen me sad, angry, upset, worried, happy, quiet.
Where is he?
Still right by my side, wanting the best for me.
After the years of prayers for God to give me a great guy, one that loves me no matter what...
I'm not letting anyone stand in my way of being happy.
So I'm done letting what you two said get to me like you both wanted. It ate at me, and it gave me pain. But see, true friends would never have made me try to choose between their friendship and my happiness. I've wanted to be truly happy for so long, there was no way I was going to give that up as long as Kaiden was happy as well.
The fact that it's taken me longer than it should have to believe it is the sad part.
I'm sorry that our friendships had to end. I'm done with being bitter about it. I'm done with pretending that it was all on me.
I wish nothing but the best for you two. Our chapters just had to end.
Life is weird like that.
Thursday, July 23, 2015
July 23, 2015
Honestly, I literally and fully hate every single "relationship" I've ever been in. All they have done was get me fucked up in the head and heart, thinking this one could turn out like the other ones because that's what I'm used to by now, almost a month in.
I'm more than blessed and grateful that I actually have someone who is willing to fight against these stupid barriers and self loathing walls and break them down until I actually see what he sees in me.
I know there are a few people out there who would love to see this relationship crash and burn.
I know there are a few people out there who don't believe this relationship will last for me.
I know there are a few people out there who don't want me to be in this relationship.
I got two words for you.
Fuck off.
Cory is the second best person to have ever entered my life.
He is one of the most patient people I have ever met. He's incredibly patient with me, even though I may push his buttons sometimes. He doesn't cease to let me know that he cares and that he's there, no matter how irritated I may make him with my random mood and emotional swings. I feel like sometimes I put that man through too many tests. I don't know why, because I get the same result in the end: He's still there. At the end of every single day, he is still there and still wants to be with me. Call that man crazy.
He is literally my best friend. I can tell him everything and anything. I may not like some of the things he has to say back, but why would I want him to lie to me? I'd rather have him tell me exactly how he feels about something, even if I don't like it, than to have him lie about how he really feels.
He is consistently trying to make me see the best in myself. He encourages my strengths and is willing to help me on my weaknesses. He doesn't push me for anything I don't want. Yeah, he'd like me to eat healthier. Yeah, he's had his comments on my food choices. But, he's never once told me what to do about it. He will put his two cents on the table, then leave it for me to decide what I want to do with it.
I don't thank God as much as I should for bringing me to him or him to me.
And it's so weird how quickly your life can change.
How quickly you adapt to a new way that you have never been used to.
Kaiden is excited about actually having a father type figure in his life. And before anybody starts freaking out, no he doesn't call Cory "dad" and yes he knows that Cory is not his father.
But my son just absolutely adores him.
Just the other night, we were at Cory's sister's house for a bonfire. Kaiden wanted to play video games inside, I was playing Cards Against Humanity outside with a friend, his sister, and her friend, while the guys were sitting around the fire. Kaiden would come out of the home and run up to us and I'd ask "What's up?" thinking that he wanted me for something. But then he would just ask where Cory was and then want to bring him inside to show Cory something that he did.
Never once did Cory complain about being interrupted. He'd go every single time with Kaiden and be excited for him.
It's the little things like that.
When Cory would tickle Kaiden or do silly things to make him laugh.
Then add in his daughter.
She's such a sweetheart. The way her and Kaiden interact with each other is wonderful. I love spending the time I get to see her.
That is one of my favorite pictures of them.
There is another one, but my computer and phone want to be stupid and not find it.
As much as I'm going through a lot internally, at a battle with my own insecurities within my self having to do with only myself, I'm so proud to say that I actually have a man who's more than willing to stand beside me as I fight against 10 years of self loathing negativity and help me when need be.
Kaiden, Cory, and Kiarra are my rocks.
Without them, I would certainly be lost in a sea of who knows what inside my head.
I'm betting that going back to church would help me sort it all out as well.
Cory is going to come with me to my church sometimes and I will be going to his church sometimes.
I'm going to be 25 years old this year, about damn time I shed what I used to be and put on what I'm going to be.
Until next time. <3
I'm more than blessed and grateful that I actually have someone who is willing to fight against these stupid barriers and self loathing walls and break them down until I actually see what he sees in me.
I know there are a few people out there who would love to see this relationship crash and burn.
I know there are a few people out there who don't believe this relationship will last for me.
I know there are a few people out there who don't want me to be in this relationship.
I got two words for you.
Fuck off.
Cory is the second best person to have ever entered my life.
He is one of the most patient people I have ever met. He's incredibly patient with me, even though I may push his buttons sometimes. He doesn't cease to let me know that he cares and that he's there, no matter how irritated I may make him with my random mood and emotional swings. I feel like sometimes I put that man through too many tests. I don't know why, because I get the same result in the end: He's still there. At the end of every single day, he is still there and still wants to be with me. Call that man crazy.
He is literally my best friend. I can tell him everything and anything. I may not like some of the things he has to say back, but why would I want him to lie to me? I'd rather have him tell me exactly how he feels about something, even if I don't like it, than to have him lie about how he really feels.
He is consistently trying to make me see the best in myself. He encourages my strengths and is willing to help me on my weaknesses. He doesn't push me for anything I don't want. Yeah, he'd like me to eat healthier. Yeah, he's had his comments on my food choices. But, he's never once told me what to do about it. He will put his two cents on the table, then leave it for me to decide what I want to do with it.
I don't thank God as much as I should for bringing me to him or him to me.
And it's so weird how quickly your life can change.
How quickly you adapt to a new way that you have never been used to.
Kaiden is excited about actually having a father type figure in his life. And before anybody starts freaking out, no he doesn't call Cory "dad" and yes he knows that Cory is not his father.
But my son just absolutely adores him.
Just the other night, we were at Cory's sister's house for a bonfire. Kaiden wanted to play video games inside, I was playing Cards Against Humanity outside with a friend, his sister, and her friend, while the guys were sitting around the fire. Kaiden would come out of the home and run up to us and I'd ask "What's up?" thinking that he wanted me for something. But then he would just ask where Cory was and then want to bring him inside to show Cory something that he did.
Never once did Cory complain about being interrupted. He'd go every single time with Kaiden and be excited for him.
It's the little things like that.
When Cory would tickle Kaiden or do silly things to make him laugh.
Then add in his daughter.
She's such a sweetheart. The way her and Kaiden interact with each other is wonderful. I love spending the time I get to see her.
There is another one, but my computer and phone want to be stupid and not find it.
As much as I'm going through a lot internally, at a battle with my own insecurities within my self having to do with only myself, I'm so proud to say that I actually have a man who's more than willing to stand beside me as I fight against 10 years of self loathing negativity and help me when need be.
Kaiden, Cory, and Kiarra are my rocks.
Without them, I would certainly be lost in a sea of who knows what inside my head.
I'm betting that going back to church would help me sort it all out as well.
Cory is going to come with me to my church sometimes and I will be going to his church sometimes.
I'm going to be 25 years old this year, about damn time I shed what I used to be and put on what I'm going to be.
Until next time. <3
Thursday, July 16, 2015
July 16, 2015
So it's been two months since my last post and a few things have changed in my life.
Thanks to a friend, I was introduced to such a great guy.
We have known each other for almost a month now and have started dating, and I really could not be happier.
Kaiden just absolutely adores him and loves spending time at his house and with him and his daughter. She is just such a sweetheart and those two together have so much fun. We went to the beach the other day and the two brave souls went into the colder than I would like water. But they had a great time. :)
He treats me very well so far and for the first time in a relationship, I have no doubts or worries.
Yes, I am quite aware of some concerns that others may have, but really, this is mine and Kaiden's lives. If Kaiden wasn't at all comfortable around him, I wouldn't be in a relationship with him. Kaiden interacts very well with him and it warms my heart to see.
Also, there are concerns about how long I have known him before jumping into a relationship. Really. it's nobody's business. The amount of time that we spend together is literally like 75% talking about anything and everything and 25% watching movies. Spending time with my son and his daughter is constantly and consistently there. He doesn't have his daughter 100% of the time, and my sister is wonderful and babysits Kaiden a few times, but otherwise, Kaiden is almost always with me.
It's not the quantity that counts, it's the quality. We both feel like we have known each other for years.
And for once, my family actually likes a boyfriend of mine! Even my dad thinks he's okay. He likes that he has a job, a car, and his own place. The interactions between him and my father have been pleasant and even with some laughter! My father hasn't had one bad thing to say about him yet, and really it's rare.
As with a new relationship and one that actually seems to have legs to stand on, unlike my past flop of relationships, I had been on cloud 9 I guess you can say. Yeah, at first he became a huge constant in my life and I was talking about him all the time to anybody and everybody and yeah I have made people annoyed by how much and yeah it was affecting my work a bit, but that phase has passed. I'm back to focusing on work at work and such.
All in all, I'm so much happier. He helps me see the best in myself, comforts me when I'm down instead of kicking at me, and supports me in an emotional way that I haven't had before.
He's really a great guy, and I can't wait until people actually trust me and sees for themselves as well.
He wants to start going to my church Sunday mornings as well as me attending his Sunday nights.
Hopefully that can get worked out because I'm itching to get back. :)
Well, that's a little update I have. I'm sorry it took a couple of months. My next one won't be that far away.
Have a great day, everyone! :)
Thanks to a friend, I was introduced to such a great guy.
We have known each other for almost a month now and have started dating, and I really could not be happier.
Kaiden just absolutely adores him and loves spending time at his house and with him and his daughter. She is just such a sweetheart and those two together have so much fun. We went to the beach the other day and the two brave souls went into the colder than I would like water. But they had a great time. :)
He treats me very well so far and for the first time in a relationship, I have no doubts or worries.
Yes, I am quite aware of some concerns that others may have, but really, this is mine and Kaiden's lives. If Kaiden wasn't at all comfortable around him, I wouldn't be in a relationship with him. Kaiden interacts very well with him and it warms my heart to see.
Also, there are concerns about how long I have known him before jumping into a relationship. Really. it's nobody's business. The amount of time that we spend together is literally like 75% talking about anything and everything and 25% watching movies. Spending time with my son and his daughter is constantly and consistently there. He doesn't have his daughter 100% of the time, and my sister is wonderful and babysits Kaiden a few times, but otherwise, Kaiden is almost always with me.
It's not the quantity that counts, it's the quality. We both feel like we have known each other for years.
And for once, my family actually likes a boyfriend of mine! Even my dad thinks he's okay. He likes that he has a job, a car, and his own place. The interactions between him and my father have been pleasant and even with some laughter! My father hasn't had one bad thing to say about him yet, and really it's rare.
As with a new relationship and one that actually seems to have legs to stand on, unlike my past flop of relationships, I had been on cloud 9 I guess you can say. Yeah, at first he became a huge constant in my life and I was talking about him all the time to anybody and everybody and yeah I have made people annoyed by how much and yeah it was affecting my work a bit, but that phase has passed. I'm back to focusing on work at work and such.
All in all, I'm so much happier. He helps me see the best in myself, comforts me when I'm down instead of kicking at me, and supports me in an emotional way that I haven't had before.
He's really a great guy, and I can't wait until people actually trust me and sees for themselves as well.
He wants to start going to my church Sunday mornings as well as me attending his Sunday nights.
Hopefully that can get worked out because I'm itching to get back. :)
Well, that's a little update I have. I'm sorry it took a couple of months. My next one won't be that far away.
Have a great day, everyone! :)
Monday, May 18, 2015
May 18, 2015
So I made the mistake of calling my mom a little bit ago because I had a situation that I wanted her opinion on. I knew as soon as the phone started ringing that I made the mistake and hung up. But she called me back and I answered, even though I wanted to ignore it. I asked her the question and in the end it just turned into a little fight because of a couple of reasons and by the end of the call we were both frustrated with each other and just said goodbye. The fight wasn't entirely about the question either.
For one, I absolutely hate talking on the phone. I find it awkward and annoying and I really hate when someone calls me, even if it's either of my parents. If it's a number that I don't recognize, I don't answer it and I let it go to voicemail. And even then, unless it's really important, I don't return the call. I literally hate talking on the phone.
For two, talking gets me exhausted. I actually use a lot of energy when talking. Obviously in my life I do have to talk so I do it. But if I have to repeat myself for any reason, I instantly get irritated. And I had to repeat a long sentence to my mom and that's how our fighting got started, she could tell that I was mad. But I literally do. It takes a lot of work for me to talk period. That's why texting is usually the best form of communication with me.
After the phone call, I vented to my sister and then I decided to google why it takes me so much energy to talk because I was curious as to the answers. I was actually pretty surprised when I seen a few top links all point to social anxiety which I swear up and down that I really do have.
Then there was this one site that was talking about the 4 types of social energy. From the 4, the one that sounds most like me is Negative High Social Energy. The person might talk too fast and be unfocused. This could be because the person gets stressed out about the situation or just comes from another stressful situation, such as a hectic day at work.
I literally talk too fast most of the time. I don't think so myself, but sometimes I can hear it and I think I should slow down but then it's way too slow and takes even MORE energy for me to talk.
It's just so weird to me how much social anxiety or certain kind of energy levels affect life.
For one, I absolutely hate talking on the phone. I find it awkward and annoying and I really hate when someone calls me, even if it's either of my parents. If it's a number that I don't recognize, I don't answer it and I let it go to voicemail. And even then, unless it's really important, I don't return the call. I literally hate talking on the phone.
For two, talking gets me exhausted. I actually use a lot of energy when talking. Obviously in my life I do have to talk so I do it. But if I have to repeat myself for any reason, I instantly get irritated. And I had to repeat a long sentence to my mom and that's how our fighting got started, she could tell that I was mad. But I literally do. It takes a lot of work for me to talk period. That's why texting is usually the best form of communication with me.
After the phone call, I vented to my sister and then I decided to google why it takes me so much energy to talk because I was curious as to the answers. I was actually pretty surprised when I seen a few top links all point to social anxiety which I swear up and down that I really do have.
Then there was this one site that was talking about the 4 types of social energy. From the 4, the one that sounds most like me is Negative High Social Energy. The person might talk too fast and be unfocused. This could be because the person gets stressed out about the situation or just comes from another stressful situation, such as a hectic day at work.
I literally talk too fast most of the time. I don't think so myself, but sometimes I can hear it and I think I should slow down but then it's way too slow and takes even MORE energy for me to talk.
It's just so weird to me how much social anxiety or certain kind of energy levels affect life.
Sunday, April 26, 2015
April 26, 2015
I'm a complicated and complex person to understand. So much so that I can't even figure myself out. So how do I expect that any guy could? I don't. So that's why I believe that there really isn't someone out there for me. Some people say that everyone has a soul mate. But that really can't be true. At all. Some people don't want to be in relationships and are single until the day that they die. And what about those children, babies, young adults, or even single and never been married adults that die before finding their "one."
I want a boyfriend. I want my mate. I want that one person who is by my side through everything. The one person that won't give up on me, the one person who will still love me through my worst just as he would through my best.
I don't want to be alone. In fact, I'm so afraid of being alone that it stresses me out. I've had to be alone for years. Even though I am living with my sister and used to live with my cousin, but really, more than half the time it felt like I was still alone. I do have Kaiden, but he's a kid. He plays with his toys or watches his shows. Sometimes he hangs out with me...but what kid wants to always hang out with their mom?
I need that adult interaction and conversation. When I'm having a hard day, I need to be able to verbally vent to someone. Not just over texting. And when there is no one there to talk to, I feel like I'm going to just burst on the inside.
I don't understand why I have these needs. I really don't. But I do and I hate it. I wish I could be at peace.
But my life is anything but peace.
I'm so tired of working. I'm so tired of having to depend on someone else in order for my life to go smoothly.
It's times like now that I REALLY hate, and I mean HATE, Kaiden's father. For not being able to grow up and take the responsibility of being a responsible father.
Sometimes, I can't do it.
And I have literally nobody that will understand what I'm feeling.
All my friends either have a boyfriend, finace, or husband and don't really have the time or patience to talk to me.
Except for one friend, but she has enough things going on in her life, just like they all do.
I want a boyfriend. I want my mate. I want that one person who is by my side through everything. The one person that won't give up on me, the one person who will still love me through my worst just as he would through my best.
I don't want to be alone. In fact, I'm so afraid of being alone that it stresses me out. I've had to be alone for years. Even though I am living with my sister and used to live with my cousin, but really, more than half the time it felt like I was still alone. I do have Kaiden, but he's a kid. He plays with his toys or watches his shows. Sometimes he hangs out with me...but what kid wants to always hang out with their mom?
I need that adult interaction and conversation. When I'm having a hard day, I need to be able to verbally vent to someone. Not just over texting. And when there is no one there to talk to, I feel like I'm going to just burst on the inside.
I don't understand why I have these needs. I really don't. But I do and I hate it. I wish I could be at peace.
But my life is anything but peace.
I'm so tired of working. I'm so tired of having to depend on someone else in order for my life to go smoothly.
It's times like now that I REALLY hate, and I mean HATE, Kaiden's father. For not being able to grow up and take the responsibility of being a responsible father.
Sometimes, I can't do it.
And I have literally nobody that will understand what I'm feeling.
All my friends either have a boyfriend, finace, or husband and don't really have the time or patience to talk to me.
Except for one friend, but she has enough things going on in her life, just like they all do.
Saturday, March 28, 2015
March 28, 2015
So I know that it's been 3 weeks since my last post, and for those who actually check on a regular basis (if there are any), I apologize. I haven't had much to say until now.
I'm a people observer. I feel like I have a higher tendency to pay extra attention to my surroundings and people and everything that goes on. This isn't all of the time, but when it is time, I notice alot and I have a lot to say but never actually do.
So here goes a rant. Ready?
First thing I want to bitch about is opinions.
I don't understand why some people just get so damn bent out of shape when someone has a differing opinion than theirs. Like for real? You can have your opinion, but if others disagree with you, they are wrong and stupid and just needs to shut up? Nah. That's not how it goes.
Why beat down on others if they not only have an opinion that differs, but also a belief that differs. Why can't people just accept the damn differences and move on? You don't have to be best friends with them but at least have some mother fucking respect for the other just as you would like to have the same respect back. It's really, very truthfully honest and serious...NOT THAT HARD!
People get hurt when their opinion is knocked down and beaten and called pretty much nothing. And then those same people get told to get over it, suck it up, or that they have paper thin skin and shouldn't take things so seriously.
The people that say those hurtful words need to learn to get over their damn selves and out of their own asses.
Newsflash: Not everyone has to agree with you.
This world ain't about just YOU and YOUR beliefs and opinions.
It's about EVERYONE and THEIR beliefs and opinions along with you.
This especially pisses me off when it comes to religion.
I consider myself a Christian. I am not able to go to church on the regular basis due to work, and I'm not so hardcore or strict in the religion aspect.
HOWEVER, I believe whole heartedly that God is not dead. I believe He sent His only son to die on the cross for our sins. I believe that He forgives for EVERYTHING. I believe that the only way to Heaven is through him. I believe that He made everything. I believe that He loves me. I believe that He has a plan for everybody and that He made everything happen for a reason.
Those are MY beliefs.
You can not believe in God and that's YOUR choice and YOUR opinion.
If I talk about my belief in God to you in a casual conversation and telling you just what I believe and you get offended because you don't believe and then you think I'm pushing my religion on you so I shouldn't talk about it. It offends you so I can't talk about MY beliefs.
But then you talk about your beliefs against God and everything He stands for and that offends me but you don't have to not talk about it.
So it's not okay that I talk about my beliefs because they offend you but it's okay for you to talk about your beliefs even though they offend me?
You say you have a right to talk about whatever you want.
Last I knew, I had the same right.
Obviously, this "you" that I have been referring to is not specifically you the reader. Just trying to make my point and not actually accusing anyone of doing this specifically to me but I have seen and heard of it being done and it absolutely disgusts me.
Honestly, I don't care what your beliefs are. I mean, I would obviously love if you believed in God, but I can't make any decisions, form any opinions, or make your beliefs for you. They are your choices. Not all of my closest friends are Christians. But I still love each and every one of them, despite that. Yeah, I hope that one day they get saved, but all I can do for them is talk about my experiences at the appropriate time and pray for them. Ultimately it is between them and God and who am I to judge them for what they do or do not believe?
I wish others could look at it from that viewpoint.
Just respect others and their different opinions and beliefs.
Now for the second part of my rant. It's about hockey so honestly if you don't care, don't read. Whatever, lol.
I haven't been to a hockey game in a few months until today and it was such a great game.
However, one of my BIGGEST pet peeves never fails to happen. The most annoying thing to me at a hockey game is when people around me are very clearly and obviously not pay attention to the game by holding conversations that have absolutely nothing to do with the game or they are on their phones, looking bored.
If you wanted to talk about something else or sit on facebook, coulda saved yourself about $80 at the least and stayed home.
If you don't want to stand up and cheer when the team that you are supporting gets a goal, fine. But don't sit there and bitch about the people cheering around you. It's a fucking hockey game. Yeah. People are going to fucking cheer!
Unnecessary yelling. This kid today annoyed the fuck out of me by this same loud pitch constant screaming about nothing. I had to plug my ear to tune him out. Cheer when something good actually happens or that you're excited, I guess. But change the tone somewhat.
Banging on the glass. The players don't care that you are there. Literally. They are too busy making more money in one night than you will in a month. They are trained to focus only on their game and not you banging on the glass to get their attention. You make yourself look like an idiot.
Drunk girls. Please control yourself. You don't need to be flailing your arms all over like a drunken idiot and spilling your beer on those around you because you are stumbling around. I promise you, you don't look cute, hunny.
Well that's really all I'm going to say tonight.
I can go on and on but I'm kinda tired and my son is getting restless.
So, I hope everyone has a good night. :)
I'm a people observer. I feel like I have a higher tendency to pay extra attention to my surroundings and people and everything that goes on. This isn't all of the time, but when it is time, I notice alot and I have a lot to say but never actually do.
So here goes a rant. Ready?
First thing I want to bitch about is opinions.
I don't understand why some people just get so damn bent out of shape when someone has a differing opinion than theirs. Like for real? You can have your opinion, but if others disagree with you, they are wrong and stupid and just needs to shut up? Nah. That's not how it goes.
Why beat down on others if they not only have an opinion that differs, but also a belief that differs. Why can't people just accept the damn differences and move on? You don't have to be best friends with them but at least have some mother fucking respect for the other just as you would like to have the same respect back. It's really, very truthfully honest and serious...NOT THAT HARD!
People get hurt when their opinion is knocked down and beaten and called pretty much nothing. And then those same people get told to get over it, suck it up, or that they have paper thin skin and shouldn't take things so seriously.
The people that say those hurtful words need to learn to get over their damn selves and out of their own asses.
Newsflash: Not everyone has to agree with you.
This world ain't about just YOU and YOUR beliefs and opinions.
It's about EVERYONE and THEIR beliefs and opinions along with you.
This especially pisses me off when it comes to religion.
I consider myself a Christian. I am not able to go to church on the regular basis due to work, and I'm not so hardcore or strict in the religion aspect.
HOWEVER, I believe whole heartedly that God is not dead. I believe He sent His only son to die on the cross for our sins. I believe that He forgives for EVERYTHING. I believe that the only way to Heaven is through him. I believe that He made everything. I believe that He loves me. I believe that He has a plan for everybody and that He made everything happen for a reason.
Those are MY beliefs.
You can not believe in God and that's YOUR choice and YOUR opinion.
If I talk about my belief in God to you in a casual conversation and telling you just what I believe and you get offended because you don't believe and then you think I'm pushing my religion on you so I shouldn't talk about it. It offends you so I can't talk about MY beliefs.
But then you talk about your beliefs against God and everything He stands for and that offends me but you don't have to not talk about it.
So it's not okay that I talk about my beliefs because they offend you but it's okay for you to talk about your beliefs even though they offend me?
You say you have a right to talk about whatever you want.
Last I knew, I had the same right.
Obviously, this "you" that I have been referring to is not specifically you the reader. Just trying to make my point and not actually accusing anyone of doing this specifically to me but I have seen and heard of it being done and it absolutely disgusts me.
Honestly, I don't care what your beliefs are. I mean, I would obviously love if you believed in God, but I can't make any decisions, form any opinions, or make your beliefs for you. They are your choices. Not all of my closest friends are Christians. But I still love each and every one of them, despite that. Yeah, I hope that one day they get saved, but all I can do for them is talk about my experiences at the appropriate time and pray for them. Ultimately it is between them and God and who am I to judge them for what they do or do not believe?
I wish others could look at it from that viewpoint.
Just respect others and their different opinions and beliefs.
Now for the second part of my rant. It's about hockey so honestly if you don't care, don't read. Whatever, lol.
I haven't been to a hockey game in a few months until today and it was such a great game.
However, one of my BIGGEST pet peeves never fails to happen. The most annoying thing to me at a hockey game is when people around me are very clearly and obviously not pay attention to the game by holding conversations that have absolutely nothing to do with the game or they are on their phones, looking bored.
If you wanted to talk about something else or sit on facebook, coulda saved yourself about $80 at the least and stayed home.
If you don't want to stand up and cheer when the team that you are supporting gets a goal, fine. But don't sit there and bitch about the people cheering around you. It's a fucking hockey game. Yeah. People are going to fucking cheer!
Unnecessary yelling. This kid today annoyed the fuck out of me by this same loud pitch constant screaming about nothing. I had to plug my ear to tune him out. Cheer when something good actually happens or that you're excited, I guess. But change the tone somewhat.
Banging on the glass. The players don't care that you are there. Literally. They are too busy making more money in one night than you will in a month. They are trained to focus only on their game and not you banging on the glass to get their attention. You make yourself look like an idiot.
Drunk girls. Please control yourself. You don't need to be flailing your arms all over like a drunken idiot and spilling your beer on those around you because you are stumbling around. I promise you, you don't look cute, hunny.
Well that's really all I'm going to say tonight.
I can go on and on but I'm kinda tired and my son is getting restless.
So, I hope everyone has a good night. :)
Saturday, March 7, 2015
March 7, 2015
Today I was sitting and talking with a friend from work today and we were talking about him wanting to be an engineer. I then said that I just need to get into the NHL some how and that's what I want to. I said PR (Public Relations) between the media and players is what I'm actually really what I want to do but I'm not really good with the public speaking and the communications just yet. I don't have a lot of confidence.
"It will get there," he said.
I was quiet for a few minutes.
I mean, I don't really think he knew what impact of that simple sentence he said would have on me.
When it comes to confidence I literally have like zilch. I have quite a few things I can blame it on and do but I won't get that deep and point fingers. Lately, I've started something new to me and it helps with almost everything. Stress, anxiety, my sleep issues, and just helps my overall happiness and has a lasting effect. I also start to feel my confidence growing a little bit as I let some things go. Some people know what it is and those of you that I haven't told could probably figure it out. And I'm just going to point out that I don't really care what other people's opinions of it are.
But just the fact that somebody actually believed that I will get my confidence. Nobody has really offered that kind of support. Most people just shrug and brush it off like it's whatever. And it probably really is whatever to him, but he said the words that I have needed to hear for so long.
So thanks, bud. Even though you won't read this, hahahah.
In other words, things are going alright besides my stupid car. It keeps stalling out and is just too frustrating. The part that is needed is $140 and that's just a lot right this second. I don't have that spare money after rent and bills and whatnot until next Friday but that part is needed like literally right now. It's stressing me out just to drive.
This summer, I plan on moving as long as I have the money to. It's going to take $1500 to move but this new place is a little bit bigger, not by a huge amount, but bigger and better than where I am now. It actually has a washer and dryer in the apartment instead of having to use the laundry room and spend $3 just to do a load and dry. It's ridiculous. So I'm excited for that.
Well, I don't have much more to say. I really should be getting on cleaning my apartment and what not right now. Enough distractions!
"It will get there," he said.
I was quiet for a few minutes.
I mean, I don't really think he knew what impact of that simple sentence he said would have on me.
When it comes to confidence I literally have like zilch. I have quite a few things I can blame it on and do but I won't get that deep and point fingers. Lately, I've started something new to me and it helps with almost everything. Stress, anxiety, my sleep issues, and just helps my overall happiness and has a lasting effect. I also start to feel my confidence growing a little bit as I let some things go. Some people know what it is and those of you that I haven't told could probably figure it out. And I'm just going to point out that I don't really care what other people's opinions of it are.
But just the fact that somebody actually believed that I will get my confidence. Nobody has really offered that kind of support. Most people just shrug and brush it off like it's whatever. And it probably really is whatever to him, but he said the words that I have needed to hear for so long.
So thanks, bud. Even though you won't read this, hahahah.
In other words, things are going alright besides my stupid car. It keeps stalling out and is just too frustrating. The part that is needed is $140 and that's just a lot right this second. I don't have that spare money after rent and bills and whatnot until next Friday but that part is needed like literally right now. It's stressing me out just to drive.
This summer, I plan on moving as long as I have the money to. It's going to take $1500 to move but this new place is a little bit bigger, not by a huge amount, but bigger and better than where I am now. It actually has a washer and dryer in the apartment instead of having to use the laundry room and spend $3 just to do a load and dry. It's ridiculous. So I'm excited for that.
Well, I don't have much more to say. I really should be getting on cleaning my apartment and what not right now. Enough distractions!
Saturday, February 21, 2015
February 21, 2015
So it's been quite the while since my last post.
It's not that a lot has really happened, per say. I just haven't really thought of it much.
I mean, honestly though, not a lot has happened.
Still working at both places. In fact, just had my evaluation and got a raise at Fazolis.
Oh. And my son knocked one of my front teeth out.
It wasn't a huge deal except that it kind of was.
I thought I would have been so embarrassed and have so many people staring at me but I have such fantastic family, friends, and co-workers that I honestly kept forgetting about it.
Then I got used to eating with my front tooth again and let me tell you, that felt amazing!
It was gone for 2 weeks until I had my root canal and they made a temporary tooth.
I got so used to it being gone that it feels really weird to have it back.
And I can actually talk without it taking a lot out of me again.
Soooo. I mean, nothing else really to report.
I've been pretty much on a one track mind lately.
And that was work and Kaiden!
Hopefully soon I can get back into a many thought kind of way and post more posts here!
Sorry for the sucky one right now.
It's not that a lot has really happened, per say. I just haven't really thought of it much.
I mean, honestly though, not a lot has happened.
Still working at both places. In fact, just had my evaluation and got a raise at Fazolis.
Oh. And my son knocked one of my front teeth out.
It wasn't a huge deal except that it kind of was.
I thought I would have been so embarrassed and have so many people staring at me but I have such fantastic family, friends, and co-workers that I honestly kept forgetting about it.
Then I got used to eating with my front tooth again and let me tell you, that felt amazing!
It was gone for 2 weeks until I had my root canal and they made a temporary tooth.
I got so used to it being gone that it feels really weird to have it back.
And I can actually talk without it taking a lot out of me again.
Soooo. I mean, nothing else really to report.
I've been pretty much on a one track mind lately.
And that was work and Kaiden!
Hopefully soon I can get back into a many thought kind of way and post more posts here!
Sorry for the sucky one right now.
Monday, February 2, 2015
February 2, 2015
So the first two weeks at the gas station are down in the books. It took a couple of days to really figure out what they do different there than my old station and how things work and where things are located...but now I feel like I'm back to a natural state. It does feel very nice to have a job that I'm not totally dependent on. I have never had that feeling before.
It just feels like I was a 7 month vacation.
In other news...tonight I decided Kaiden and I needed a big change. Not quite sure what that changes really entails just yet. I definitely want to get him in sports. I have looked up the signs and symptoms of ADHD and every single one I see describes Kaiden very much so. It would explain some of the problems he is having in school...listening to directions, lack of focus, interrupting others, etc.
If he does in fact turn out to have ADHD...I would not put him on any medication right away. Hopefully sports will give him an outlet.
I have decided to cancel my Florida vacation as much as it pains me to do so. Nobody can afford to take the time off or the money to go with me. So a bunch of Cedar Point trips are in the works. As well as a vacation to Arizona. :)
Well that's all the updates I have for now.
Have a great night!
Friday, January 16, 2015
January 16, 2015
So only a few people know (and if I didn't tell you yet, I'm sorry!) but I have decided to go back to J&H. It won't be at the station I used to work at, it's at a location that I feel more comfortable to be myself. Yes, I'll be working full time at Fazoli's as an Associate Manager still, but will be taking on being an Associate part time at the Mobil station.
Why am I doing this, you may or may not be asking? Because I want the extra money. I need to be prepared for when my sister moves out and I have some goals to achieve. Plus I'm tired of being broke like every other paycheck. I'm at least not living paycheck to paycheck anymore since just having Fazoli's...but this will help out to ensure that I don't go back to that once my sister gets her own place with one of her best friends.
I'm nervous but excited to start. I'm not sure when that will be yet. I do know that it's next week. He has yet to make the schedule but I'm hoping that it's done by the time I go up to see him and what not.
I won't be making the same as when I left but decently close that it doesn't bother me. Even though I will be coming back as a re-hire and newer at that location than everyone there...I have 3 years put into this company and that puts me as fitting in pretty well. I will not need any training...if anything just a couple of shifts to learn where things are and how they do things. I have worked at that location a few times in the past and even had a couple of regular shifts on the schedule when I first started. I know the manager pretty well and have known him since I started at the company. I know the company rules and standards, I know the computer, I know the basic procedures.
I am actually excited about this. Haha.
Wish me luck with this adventure of two jobs that I just can't seem to stay away from. Once you do it for a few years, I guess it just kind of because second nature. All the free time I've had with just one full time job has been nice, but I usually just find myself bored and laying in bed watching TV or something. Time to earn some money during that time off from Fazoli's.
Onto the next. ;)
Why am I doing this, you may or may not be asking? Because I want the extra money. I need to be prepared for when my sister moves out and I have some goals to achieve. Plus I'm tired of being broke like every other paycheck. I'm at least not living paycheck to paycheck anymore since just having Fazoli's...but this will help out to ensure that I don't go back to that once my sister gets her own place with one of her best friends.
I'm nervous but excited to start. I'm not sure when that will be yet. I do know that it's next week. He has yet to make the schedule but I'm hoping that it's done by the time I go up to see him and what not.
I won't be making the same as when I left but decently close that it doesn't bother me. Even though I will be coming back as a re-hire and newer at that location than everyone there...I have 3 years put into this company and that puts me as fitting in pretty well. I will not need any training...if anything just a couple of shifts to learn where things are and how they do things. I have worked at that location a few times in the past and even had a couple of regular shifts on the schedule when I first started. I know the manager pretty well and have known him since I started at the company. I know the company rules and standards, I know the computer, I know the basic procedures.
I am actually excited about this. Haha.
Wish me luck with this adventure of two jobs that I just can't seem to stay away from. Once you do it for a few years, I guess it just kind of because second nature. All the free time I've had with just one full time job has been nice, but I usually just find myself bored and laying in bed watching TV or something. Time to earn some money during that time off from Fazoli's.
Onto the next. ;)
Sunday, January 11, 2015
January 11, 2015
So I've been binge watching some shows lately. Friends, NCIS (All three shows), Law & Order: SVU, etc. It makes me want to travel even more. Especially to NYC. I've also been considering moving out of state. I feel just stuck here. I have a few friends who are about 95% of the reason why I'm still in Michigan. The other 5% is because of my parents and the Red Wings, hahaha.
As sad as is sounds that my parents are only part of the 5% keeping me here, think about it. Do you still live down the street from your parents? Most of the people I had graduated with went on to college away from their parents and got married and started families of their own. It's a part of life. I'm not 20 any more. I'll be 25 this year. I'll be in my mid 20's. I need to reach out and expand, for the sake of myself and my son. Why keep myself stuck in a place that I'm not growing?
Please don't get me wrong...I love Michigan. It's part of who I am, there are such beautiful sights, and is the home of some amazing sports teams. It's where I grew up and where I met the people who mean the most to me.
I just feel that I've reached the end of my potential here. Maybe I'm wrong.
But I will definitely do some traveling. I love traveling.
As sad as is sounds that my parents are only part of the 5% keeping me here, think about it. Do you still live down the street from your parents? Most of the people I had graduated with went on to college away from their parents and got married and started families of their own. It's a part of life. I'm not 20 any more. I'll be 25 this year. I'll be in my mid 20's. I need to reach out and expand, for the sake of myself and my son. Why keep myself stuck in a place that I'm not growing?
Please don't get me wrong...I love Michigan. It's part of who I am, there are such beautiful sights, and is the home of some amazing sports teams. It's where I grew up and where I met the people who mean the most to me.
I just feel that I've reached the end of my potential here. Maybe I'm wrong.
But I will definitely do some traveling. I love traveling.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
January 8, 2014
Lately I have had so many emotions and thoughts flowing. I can't really seem to have the time or even energy to sort through them. It's gotten to where I'm sitting here and just feel emotionless. I'm not happy, but I'm not exactly sad or unhappy. Mostly, I'm just really tired. Everything is exhausting me right now. Life and work.
Then I start thinking about the future and what it holds for me and my mind can't even wrap around that either. There are still so much more things that I want to accomplish or just even get to. So many things that I still need to figure out.
One thing that I have figured out for the most part is that I'm going to start Kaiden in hockey as soon as I can. He really wants to play. I'm told that its the most expensive sport for kids to play...but if he wants to do it and then enjoys doing it, I'm going to do what I can to make sure he is able to.
So I guess that a really my thoughts for right now.
Friday, January 2, 2015
January 2, 2015
Day 1 of new living is down! I went to the gym last night after Kaiden went to sleep and joined my cousin and her boyfriend. Working out with both of them really helped me stay more motivated and I was on the treadmill for longer than I usually would. 40 minutes. Music, then watching Friends really helped as well. I also did some arm workouts them enjoyed the massage chair.
When I got home, my sister was still up and she helped hold me down while I completed my day 1 of my sit up challenge and then helped count as I did my day 1 of the squats challenge.
Hopefully this motivation sticks.
I just have to keep remembering Florida. Syd and I are going in August and I want to be able to not be ashamed of my body when we go to the beach or swimming.
I just want to have a positive body image overall. I'm tired of thinking I look disgusting in so many pictures.
I'm almost done eating breakfast then calling my parents house to see if my other sister is awake yet. She likes to go to the gym too. I want to go this morning and then after work again tonight.
I told you, determination is high right now. Please pray that it stays for me. :)
Thursday, January 1, 2015
January 1, 2015
It's so weird to type 2015. I can't even really begin to believe that it's already another year.
I know some people try to come up with New Year's Resolutions and try to stick with them...but that usually doesn't work.
So I have some actual goals that I want to achieve this year. I feel they are all possible.
I know some people try to come up with New Year's Resolutions and try to stick with them...but that usually doesn't work.
So I have some actual goals that I want to achieve this year. I feel they are all possible.
- Grow closer to God. I want to build a foundation and be able to just entirely and completely trust Him to know what's best for me and guide me in the way He wants me to go.
- Have at least 1 movie night with Kaiden and no distractions of electronics. This can be a theater movie or just a movie that we pop into the Xbox and watch on the bed.
- Have a nightly routine. Right now, there is no rhyme and reason to the running of my home. Mostly, my sister and I are either on the computer or phone and Kaiden is usually watching TV, although not all the time. We need to establish and actual routine that will help Kaiden and I have a better sleeping schedule and more consistency.
- Get bills caught up and current. We are almost there, but not quite. Now that Christmas is out of the way, it can be done quicker.
- Stick to chores and have a cleaner home. This is one that needs a lot of work but I do feel that it can be done.
- Pay off all debt, except student loans. Just pay student loans when due.
- Eat and drink healthier than I do now. I certainly don't eat as much as I used to, but I still eat a bit.
- Get to a healthier weight. According to the BMI, I'm considered obese for my height. I want to get into the healthy range.
- Have more self confidence.
- Love more and hate less.
- Let go of the past and everyone in it. I still hold on to some painful memories and it makes me bitter to a point. I need to let go of them and leave them in the past.
- Get back into school. I don't know exactly what I want to do yet. It's going to take a bit of researching and finding out more about myself. But I don't want to be a manager at a fast food restaurant for my entire life.
- Get Kaiden into sports. He really wants to play hockey but he needs to learn how to skate first. He also wants to play soccer and I want to get him into baseball.
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