July 26, 2015

So these past two weeks or so, I haven't been myself.
And I've spent that time fully believing that it was me.
I felt like I was annoying everybody, I felt like my boyfriend was getting mad with everything I did when really that was NOT the case at all. I felt like I couldn't talk to anybody.
So I've kept my mouth shut. I've kept everything bottled in.
What does it do to me?
It makes me freak out.
It makes me doubt myself and everyone around me.
It makes me think that I'm doing everything wrong.

Then I finally realized.
No, it's not me.
I mean, it's me, but it's because I let it become me.
It's because I let things get too deep where they shouldn't go and I let it change who I was.
I couldn't be myself just because a couple of people who I used to have respect for, who I used to trust, who I used to be close friends with,  didn't like who I was.
People changed. It's a part of life.
But I was looked down on and judged because of a few choices in my life that they didn't agree with.
And instead of talking to me about, they made their own assumptions. They decided that my friendship with them over many years meant literally nothing to them and they didn't care anymore. And really that's all fine and dandy. Don't want to be friends with someone? Cut the ties and call it good. Don't put them down about their life, saying nasty things to them that you absolutely 100% KNOW would hurt them.

One of those choices they didn't approve of was my boyfriend.
Never mind the fact that neither of them even met him, talked to him, or knew much about him.
Never mind the fact that Kaiden and I were and still are and actually always will be happy with him.
Never mind the fact that I have finally found the one person who is willing to go through my ups and downs with me, who's willing to be there whenever I need him, who's willing to step in and help with Kaiden if need be.
Never mind that he actually engages with Kaiden and makes Kaiden laugh.
Never mind that he actually makes plans for us instead of sitting around on his ass.
Never mind that he actually has a job and works to support himself and his daughter.
Never mind that he actually has intelligence to talk about things other than the stupid stuff other guys are more concerned about in today's society.
Never mind that facebook, snapchat, instagram, etc aren't his whole life.
Never mind that he makes me happy. Oh, did I already say that?

But to them, he was a bad decision.

Well if he is a wrong decision, then I don't want to be right.
He's seen so many sides of me in the past month. He's seen me sad, angry, upset, worried, happy, quiet.
Where is he?
Still right by my side, wanting the best for me.
After the years of prayers for God to give me a great guy, one that loves me no matter what...
I'm not letting anyone stand in my way of being happy.

So I'm done letting what you two said get to me like you both wanted. It ate at me, and it gave me pain. But see, true friends would never have made me try to choose between their friendship and my happiness. I've wanted to be truly happy for so long, there was no way I was going to give that up as long as Kaiden was happy as well.
The fact that it's taken me longer than it should have to believe it is the sad part.
I'm sorry that our friendships had to end. I'm done with being bitter about it. I'm done with pretending that it was all on me.
I wish nothing but the best for you two. Our chapters just had to end.
Life is weird like that.