Change.
I've talked about it. Always said I was going to do it. Never did it. I was honestly just lazy.
Right now, though, I just have to. In some areas. I need to really and truly better myself for my son and I. I need to let go of the things that hold me down...the things that I let hold me down. All my insecurities, thoughts, feelings, decisions. I need to turn each of those around and make them better in every single way.
I know it's not going to take over night. I know it's going to take time.
But why live my life with feelings that I hate and always complain about?
Jealousy, paranoia, fear, anxiety.
I'm not going to let them control me anymore.
I look at pictures of myself and sometimes I think my face and hair are pretty enough...but when I see whole body pictures, I actually want to gag and just say ew.
I really shouldn't feel like that about myself.
I should be able to look at myself and think, damn! Haha.
I should be able to feel and be confident with myself.
But in order to get there, I need to start internally.
What actually make me to want to for real do this?
Church.
Church has done so much for me and I love it. It's a slow process, but I'm getting there.
Church helps a lot and every time I go, it just boosts everything.
The hard thing for me is taking what I learn and hear and actually applying it consistently to my life. Not just one day but every single day.
That's how it works for me.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Friday, September 19, 2014
September 19, 2014
Like I have said before, I am a very jealous woman. Over just almost anything.
I don't really even know why. Like I really don't get how it's so easy for me to get jealous over literally the most stupid thing.
Somebody spends more time with someone else.
Somebody sits and talks with someone else.
Like where does jealousy actually come from? What sparks it?
I'm really curious about this, so I googled it.
In an article on psychologytoday.com, there's a part where it says, "Jealously is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies."
It also goes on to say that it sets a scene where others are happy and "secretly" mocking, while we are left alone to look like a fool.
Reading more into this article, I see this paragraph that just seems to kinda hit it with me.
"Jealousy isn't something we have much control over. In truth, it is a natural, instinctive emotion that everyone experiences at one point or another. The problem with jealousy is that it masks other feelings and attitudes that are even more hurtful to us and those closest to us. Its intensity is often shielding deep-seated feelings of possessiveness, insecurity or shame. I believe that what lies at the heart of jealousy very often isn't the threat itself, but a drive we have within us to torment ourselves and berate ourselves with self-critical thoughts."
I am seriously my own biggest critic. I can and will find fault in every single little thing I do, if asked to point it out. How I look, dress, act, feel, talk, walk, etc. You name it and I will point it out.
Looking back in my life to see maybe where the point of judging myself and being such a critic to myself began...and probably I would have to say, late childhood. About 4th grade.
I was forced to switch schools for what my parents believed to be better education. And really, it was...but when you're young like that, you just think about friends over education. I had a good group of friends and really there wasn't much of "popular" group in my class.
My new school, however. I mean, it was pretty fricken clear and I just wanted to be accepted.
There was a day where it was called Pajama Day...and if any of you that were in my 4th grade class are reading this, you might remember this day.
I took the day seriously...I wore my pajamas to school. Well, you're apparently not supposed to do that on PJ day. It was more "Relax" day. So I was teased. I was the new girl and apparently weird. And I left school that day, broken-hearted. These mean kids. They were nothing like my friends that I had to leave.
I don't know what was told to my class...I don't know what the teacher said, I sure as hell know that the students didn't decide on their own to write apology letters/pictures for me. My teacher called my mom and I came back to school (in regular clothes) to finish the day watching the movie and lounging around.
But I think since then, I'd been labeled as a freak and weirdo and it stuck with me.
Since then, I was always concerned with what people thought of me.
I've never told that story to anyone. The only people that knew were my parents, the teachers, and the 4th grade class there. I had never told any of my friends outside of that class, any of my best friends I have now, or even my siblings.
That was the most embarrassing day of my life. I was just trying to be myself.
Thinking more about it though...I can see where jealously and feeling alone go hand-in-hand.
When I feel alone, physically or emotionally...that's when I feel jealous the most. Honestly, I think that's only when I feel jealous.
This article, it's a really good one. If you are interested, here is the link. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201109/what-drives-jealousy
Well, I don't think the link works, but if you are on a computer, just copy and paste. I like what it has to say, and it makes me feel a little better.
Dealing with jealously and paranoia that comes with it...that's something I'm trying to work on.
Just bear with me. :)
I don't really even know why. Like I really don't get how it's so easy for me to get jealous over literally the most stupid thing.
Somebody spends more time with someone else.
Somebody sits and talks with someone else.
Like where does jealousy actually come from? What sparks it?
I'm really curious about this, so I googled it.
In an article on psychologytoday.com, there's a part where it says, "Jealously is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies."
It also goes on to say that it sets a scene where others are happy and "secretly" mocking, while we are left alone to look like a fool.
Reading more into this article, I see this paragraph that just seems to kinda hit it with me.
"Jealousy isn't something we have much control over. In truth, it is a natural, instinctive emotion that everyone experiences at one point or another. The problem with jealousy is that it masks other feelings and attitudes that are even more hurtful to us and those closest to us. Its intensity is often shielding deep-seated feelings of possessiveness, insecurity or shame. I believe that what lies at the heart of jealousy very often isn't the threat itself, but a drive we have within us to torment ourselves and berate ourselves with self-critical thoughts."
I am seriously my own biggest critic. I can and will find fault in every single little thing I do, if asked to point it out. How I look, dress, act, feel, talk, walk, etc. You name it and I will point it out.
Looking back in my life to see maybe where the point of judging myself and being such a critic to myself began...and probably I would have to say, late childhood. About 4th grade.
I was forced to switch schools for what my parents believed to be better education. And really, it was...but when you're young like that, you just think about friends over education. I had a good group of friends and really there wasn't much of "popular" group in my class.
My new school, however. I mean, it was pretty fricken clear and I just wanted to be accepted.
There was a day where it was called Pajama Day...and if any of you that were in my 4th grade class are reading this, you might remember this day.
I took the day seriously...I wore my pajamas to school. Well, you're apparently not supposed to do that on PJ day. It was more "Relax" day. So I was teased. I was the new girl and apparently weird. And I left school that day, broken-hearted. These mean kids. They were nothing like my friends that I had to leave.
I don't know what was told to my class...I don't know what the teacher said, I sure as hell know that the students didn't decide on their own to write apology letters/pictures for me. My teacher called my mom and I came back to school (in regular clothes) to finish the day watching the movie and lounging around.
But I think since then, I'd been labeled as a freak and weirdo and it stuck with me.
Since then, I was always concerned with what people thought of me.
I've never told that story to anyone. The only people that knew were my parents, the teachers, and the 4th grade class there. I had never told any of my friends outside of that class, any of my best friends I have now, or even my siblings.
That was the most embarrassing day of my life. I was just trying to be myself.
Thinking more about it though...I can see where jealously and feeling alone go hand-in-hand.
When I feel alone, physically or emotionally...that's when I feel jealous the most. Honestly, I think that's only when I feel jealous.
This article, it's a really good one. If you are interested, here is the link. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201109/what-drives-jealousy
Well, I don't think the link works, but if you are on a computer, just copy and paste. I like what it has to say, and it makes me feel a little better.
Dealing with jealously and paranoia that comes with it...that's something I'm trying to work on.
Just bear with me. :)
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
September 17, 2014
So I gotta say, I don't really have much to complain about right now.
My son is healthy. He did have to have a necessary medical procedure done that I almost postponed but sooo glad that I did not. At the end of July, we got the mole head that was on his back removed. The doctor's office sent it off for a biopsy and some days later, I got a call that there were abnormalities and needed to come back and get the root of the mole and area removed. I didn't fully understand what was going on. I made the appointment and it was for yesterday. I was debating on calling and rescheduled but went in anyways. That's where the doctor told me that part of the mole was showing that cells were dividing and that they were worried it would become malignant and so they wanted to get it before it got that far.
Horrible experience for Kaiden. Right from the numbing part, he was a trainwreck. It broke my heart to watch him go through that and all I could do was hold his hand and talk to him to try and keep his attention off his back.
He is to be out of school yesterday until tomorrow so my whole day off was spent with my little man. His stitches look good, although he's being too active than I would like for him and I have to constantly remind him not to be too much or his stitches will start bleeding.
I mean, you try telling a five year old boy to stop running and playing around.
However, I'm glad to say that he is healthy. That's the first and foremost concern of mine.
Work is going quite well. I am now training for an Associate Management position with Fazoli's. This is such a blessing for me, as it's higher pay, more hours, and allows me to have only one job. I have not had just one job in over 3 years. It feels absolutely amazing and ultimately allows me to spend more time with my son. Something I wish I had when he was younger. This is such a big step in the direction I want to be going in and I have no one more to thank than God Himself. Without Him, I would be no where near this well.
With my sister living with me, she has gone above and beyond what she really had to do to help me get caught back up in bills and rent. I will finally be able to pay rent on time this month...the first in quite a few. Thankfully, my apartments have been patient and worked with me.
If you want money from me, that's the best thing to be. Patient. I pay back first those who understand my situations and are patient with me. This job promotion helps me get my debt behind me and look towards a brighter future.
I'm not in the best place yet, but I will get there. My son and I...we will make it just great.
My son is healthy. He did have to have a necessary medical procedure done that I almost postponed but sooo glad that I did not. At the end of July, we got the mole head that was on his back removed. The doctor's office sent it off for a biopsy and some days later, I got a call that there were abnormalities and needed to come back and get the root of the mole and area removed. I didn't fully understand what was going on. I made the appointment and it was for yesterday. I was debating on calling and rescheduled but went in anyways. That's where the doctor told me that part of the mole was showing that cells were dividing and that they were worried it would become malignant and so they wanted to get it before it got that far.
Horrible experience for Kaiden. Right from the numbing part, he was a trainwreck. It broke my heart to watch him go through that and all I could do was hold his hand and talk to him to try and keep his attention off his back.
He is to be out of school yesterday until tomorrow so my whole day off was spent with my little man. His stitches look good, although he's being too active than I would like for him and I have to constantly remind him not to be too much or his stitches will start bleeding.
I mean, you try telling a five year old boy to stop running and playing around.
However, I'm glad to say that he is healthy. That's the first and foremost concern of mine.
Work is going quite well. I am now training for an Associate Management position with Fazoli's. This is such a blessing for me, as it's higher pay, more hours, and allows me to have only one job. I have not had just one job in over 3 years. It feels absolutely amazing and ultimately allows me to spend more time with my son. Something I wish I had when he was younger. This is such a big step in the direction I want to be going in and I have no one more to thank than God Himself. Without Him, I would be no where near this well.
With my sister living with me, she has gone above and beyond what she really had to do to help me get caught back up in bills and rent. I will finally be able to pay rent on time this month...the first in quite a few. Thankfully, my apartments have been patient and worked with me.
If you want money from me, that's the best thing to be. Patient. I pay back first those who understand my situations and are patient with me. This job promotion helps me get my debt behind me and look towards a brighter future.
I'm not in the best place yet, but I will get there. My son and I...we will make it just great.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
September 14, 2014
Songs that fit my life right now.
Jesus, take the wheel. Take it from my hands. Cause I can't do this on my own. I'm letting go. So give me one more chance. - Jesus, Take The Wheel by Carrie Underwood
I watched you die, I heard you cry every night in your sleep. I was so young, you should have known better than to lean on me. You never thought of anyone else, you just saw your pain. And now I cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing. Because of you, I never strayed too far from the sidewalk. Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt. Because of you, I try my hardest just to forget everything. Because of you, I don't know how to let anyone else in. - Because of You by Kelly Clarkson.
When you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you. When you're gone, the face I came to know is missin' too. When you're gone, the words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it okay...I miss you. -When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne.
Okay, to be honest, this started off with one youtube music video, then led to the others.
And now I'm listen to Frozen songs.
It cheers me up, though.
Jesus, take the wheel. Take it from my hands. Cause I can't do this on my own. I'm letting go. So give me one more chance. - Jesus, Take The Wheel by Carrie Underwood
I watched you die, I heard you cry every night in your sleep. I was so young, you should have known better than to lean on me. You never thought of anyone else, you just saw your pain. And now I cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing. Because of you, I never strayed too far from the sidewalk. Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt. Because of you, I try my hardest just to forget everything. Because of you, I don't know how to let anyone else in. - Because of You by Kelly Clarkson.
When you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you. When you're gone, the face I came to know is missin' too. When you're gone, the words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it okay...I miss you. -When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne.
Okay, to be honest, this started off with one youtube music video, then led to the others.
And now I'm listen to Frozen songs.
It cheers me up, though.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
September 10, 2014
It's amazing the amount of people that come into your life, mean so much to you, then turn around and walk out. Like, why even bother?
Because without them...you wouldn't be you.
I've gotten hurt by quite a few "friends" in my life.
One moment, they were your friends for a certain amount of time, then the next, they turn around on you and just act like a completely different person and come out of no where with their crap.
And so you guys say your deuces...but you can't help but think about them.
And it hurts.
One certain friend. He was my best friend (or so I thought) since really like 10th grade. We were walking partners at Graduation. I thought we were going to be lifelong best friends. But then I got pregnant, asked him to be the Godfather, he declined, went to college hours away, and pretty much sent me a long ass message on facebook about how he was faking all that time about being friends.
Like are you fucking kidding me?
Another friend. We worked together, had fun times. But then some shit happened in her life, I don't know. It just happened as quickly. Someone told her lies that I supposedly told them that she trusted me with and I just still can't understand why she would believe THEM and NOT ME? Her facebook is not private and that's pretty much where all the info came from.
I'm not so quick to trust people anymore.
I'm also so quick to assume that people just pretend to be my friends, because of these experiences.
There are only a handful of people that have a two-way friendship with me. A friendship with effort from both people. They know who they are, and I don't know where I would be without them.
Sometimes, I wished I never went to the Middle School when I did.
I was so fucking weird back then.
But if I hadn't gone when I did, I wouldn't know one of the very best, most beautiful, so amazing best friend, the mother of my wonderful niece...Heather. <3
When I think about those old friendships that for some reason, I still wish I had...I think about the ones that I would just absolutely die without and makes me feel better to know that they are the true friends that love me no matter what I had done in my life.
You know who you are. I love you! <3
Because without them...you wouldn't be you.
I've gotten hurt by quite a few "friends" in my life.
One moment, they were your friends for a certain amount of time, then the next, they turn around on you and just act like a completely different person and come out of no where with their crap.
And so you guys say your deuces...but you can't help but think about them.
And it hurts.
One certain friend. He was my best friend (or so I thought) since really like 10th grade. We were walking partners at Graduation. I thought we were going to be lifelong best friends. But then I got pregnant, asked him to be the Godfather, he declined, went to college hours away, and pretty much sent me a long ass message on facebook about how he was faking all that time about being friends.
Like are you fucking kidding me?
Another friend. We worked together, had fun times. But then some shit happened in her life, I don't know. It just happened as quickly. Someone told her lies that I supposedly told them that she trusted me with and I just still can't understand why she would believe THEM and NOT ME? Her facebook is not private and that's pretty much where all the info came from.
I'm not so quick to trust people anymore.
I'm also so quick to assume that people just pretend to be my friends, because of these experiences.
There are only a handful of people that have a two-way friendship with me. A friendship with effort from both people. They know who they are, and I don't know where I would be without them.
Sometimes, I wished I never went to the Middle School when I did.
I was so fucking weird back then.
But if I hadn't gone when I did, I wouldn't know one of the very best, most beautiful, so amazing best friend, the mother of my wonderful niece...Heather. <3
When I think about those old friendships that for some reason, I still wish I had...I think about the ones that I would just absolutely die without and makes me feel better to know that they are the true friends that love me no matter what I had done in my life.
You know who you are. I love you! <3
Monday, September 1, 2014
September 1, 2014
So right at this moment, I have HUGE anxiety built up.
I haven't been on a real school schedule since I was in high school. Five years ago.
Shoot, 6 years ago from tomorrow, I was starting my senior year.
But now, I gotta get on a school schedule because my child is STARTING KINDERGARTEN.
We have to get up at 7:15am now. This isn't like daycare or preschool where he gets breakfast there...now he eats it at home, brushes his teeth, gets ready for school, then we walk to the bus stop.
It's still very much unreal!
I just don't even know.
This may seem so stupid to you, the reader.
Unless you are a parent or a very active aunt or uncle, you won't understand.
My baby is growing up.
Faster than I'd like.
He's getting too big.
I can't deal.
:(
I haven't been on a real school schedule since I was in high school. Five years ago.
Shoot, 6 years ago from tomorrow, I was starting my senior year.
But now, I gotta get on a school schedule because my child is STARTING KINDERGARTEN.
We have to get up at 7:15am now. This isn't like daycare or preschool where he gets breakfast there...now he eats it at home, brushes his teeth, gets ready for school, then we walk to the bus stop.
It's still very much unreal!
I just don't even know.
This may seem so stupid to you, the reader.
Unless you are a parent or a very active aunt or uncle, you won't understand.
My baby is growing up.
Faster than I'd like.
He's getting too big.
I can't deal.
:(
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