December 31, 2014

Finally, it's the end of 2014. I went in hoping that it would be the best year yet. It a weird way It kind of was.

I went through a lot emotionally.
I had the number of 5 jobs the whole year, all of them at one time until July. In September, I went to one full time job and I actually love it.
I have made a few new friends and one of them becoming one of my best friends.

I have also had a few down parts. One of my best friends moved states away. We do talk on a daily. :) My son went through a surgeries but is ending the year on a healthy note.

This year I felt the best about myself. My confidence is getting better and I'm not as jealous of relationships as I once was. I still want one and I'm hoping that I have the chance in 2015.
In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy each day with the most important person and family and great friends.

I hope you all do the same!
Have a happy new year and see you in 2015!

December 26, 2014

So it is the day after Christmas, well only like by an hour. But I want to keep this kinda short because I'm writing this post on my kindle and dunno if I really like typing on here or not. But there were a couple of things on my mind this holiday season.

The first one is that I'm so incredibly blessed to have the family and friends that I do today. This year has been so crazy with my multiple jobs, my sister coming home, and finally landing into some better type of financial state. I have lost some friendships, made some new friendships, and rekindled other friendships. I have become best friends with one of my co-workers that kind never thought would happen. These changes all make up a part of who I am. Some friendships are bringing me out of my shell and my willingness to try new things and to be myself no matter how weird she thinks I am!

The second thing is that not just relationship wise, but material wise, I am blessed in that area. I have a better Christmas that some people, if not most, do. I don't know any Christmas of just three or less presents. I'm used to being spoiled. I'm 24 with my own child who I spoiled, yet my parents still spoiled my child and I when really they don't have to. I got one major thing that I really wanted and that was money for the new phone that I have been putting off since September or October. My parents are amazing to still do this for me. Even though they can get on my nerves, I honestly wouldn't ask for any different parents. They are also who helped make me the person I am today, either by guiding me or showing me how I don't want to be.

As this year of 2014 comes to an end, I ask each of you to think back and see how different you have become since the beginning of the year.

December 22, 2014

So I just realized the other day and again today that I'm a big talker.
Not like, all talk and no walk kinda thing.
But more like, I'm more exciting to talk to on like snapchat, texting, facebook message, and whatnot. In person, I feel like I'm more boring. Except for like two people. I'm completely myself around them. ;)

For other people, it takes me a bit to actually open up and be who I am.
I get there, but it takes a while.
I mean, the two people that I am so comfortable around, I've been best friends with one of them for 13 years and the other for almost 10 years.
Not saying it's going to take that long for someone to actually get to know the real me.
But those two. <3

I can be completely dull in person. I don't know why...maybe I just feel awkward.

I'm just really weird.

December 15, 2014

I feel like something is missing in my life.
Don't get me wrong, I've been the happiest with my life since I can last remember.
I have a full time job with good pay that I actually love.
My son is the healthiest he has been after the procedures he had done this year (tonsillectomy, adenoidectomy, and a pre-cancerous mole removed).
My financial situation is slowly, but surely, getting better.
I have the most wonderful best friends who I have had friendships with for years.
I also have quite a few new friendships that are growing every day.

Despite all of this...I still feel that something is missing.
And it's very obvious.
My partner is missing.
My son's father figure.
My soulmate.

This year, I've seen so many people on facebook get engaged or married. So many people from my graduating class, and 3 weddings in the span of a couple of months from church between very wonderful people.

As happy as I am for all...I can't help but wonder:
When is my time?

I don't want to rush God's plans for me.
Even if I could...there is no possible way.
But then I wonder, what really are his plans for me?
What if his plans don't include me actually knowing what love really is between two soulmates.

This is certainly not the first time I have expressed this concern.
And I always receive the dreaded and VERY annoying: But you have Kaiden.

Yes. I do have my son.
And his love is the most wonderful and precious thing I could ask for.
But he is my son. Not my soulmate. Those are two very different types of love. Why am I not allowed to have both?
What is so special (or not special) about me that I can't experience that type of love?

Sure, I've had boyfriends in the past.
Have I ever loved any of them?
I thought I had at the time.
Was it real love?
No. It was lust.

I've never had a boyfriend through any holiday or even my birthday.
Okay, actually that's a lie.
I had one boyfriend through July 4th...

I've never had a guy make me feel so special. I've never been spoiled. And by spoiled, I don't mean materialistically. I mean, emotionally. I've never had a guy actually care for me and my well-being.
I've never had any guy that actually wanted to be there for me or be with me.

I know I don't need a guy.
I'm supposedly a strong, single mom that doesn't need a man.
Okay.
That doesn't mean that I don't want one.
Then I get told that I have unrealistic standards.
Since when are having a job and a car unrealistic standards?
If a guy doesn't have a car, that's not the end of the world, but I'm not a damn taxi cab. I shouldn't always have to drive to see someone. Maybe I'd actually want to stay in and have them come to me. If they can find their own transportation half the time, that's not a problem.
I'm also not someone's ATM.
I work hard for my money and unless I'm married, I don't have the obligation to support anyone except myself and my son. 

Sure, I have my idea of how I want him to be and look.
My absolute dream guy is probably non-existant.
Or if he is, I guarantee you that he would never want to be with someone that is me.

I wish some people would actually consider how I feel about this.
I wish some people would just shut up and not say I don't need a man.

So I'm supposed to go through life feeling so alone?
What happens after my son graduates and moves out?
And it's just me at home.
My friends would all have their own families at home.
And I would be alone with no one.

Think about that for a second.
Before just throwing any consideration for my feelings out the window and opening your mouth and telling me how I should feel about this subject.

December 7, 2014

Sometimes I just watch my son. I just look at him. And then my heart breaks for him.
He has to grow up without a father because his father is too selfish to try hard enough.

Now, that may sound bad to someone who has no idea the back story and everything I had gone through with his father.
Try hard enough? So the fact that he always claims that his misses and loves his kids isn't good enough?
No. It really is not.


As a parent, I've had to give up a lot for my son.
I couldn't go to college right away and be away from home like I wanted. I never got to experience that college dorm life like most of the people I graduated with.
I don't have that many friends anymore. The best friends that I do have, I've had them for years and wouldn't want to be without them. But there are some friends I have that don't have kids but want to hang out and want me to find a babysitter. I can't just go out for a night.
Even though I have gone to some Red Wings games without Kaiden, I've turned down my fair share as well just to stay home with him.
I can't do my dream job with being Public Relations somewhere in hockey due to the long hours away from home and Kaiden.

Please don't get me wrong.
If given a choice, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I gave up a lot for my son. I made sacrifices. That's what parents do.
So just because his dad comes around once in a while and says he misses Kaiden and loves him....
sorry that just doesn't cut it.
I told you what you have to do to be allowed in his life.
You still choose to do those and that's your CHOICE.
You have to make sacrifices to be a parent.
It doesn't go on just your terms.
I made sacrifices, you do too.
I do all the raising, you aren't allowed to come in and try to claim any of the credit.

That's my biggest issue about him.

December 6, 2014

So I had a really rough week. It was so mentally draining that I actually had an anxiety attack at work.
Monday: I get a call and ask if I wanted overtime. Well, I'm not going to say no! So I went in and worked 10 1/2 hours, which is long for me. The reasoning: the pasta cooker went down and the kettle that is the alternative to cooking pasta was going to take a long time to clean out so my boss had to go to our Alpine store to cook the pasta. It would have just been three people at the store so I needed to come in.
Tuesday: Kid's night. With 6 people. That's one person on every position. Well, actually I had someone else, but he was needed to do bread and I really didn't think about bringing him up to help which would have actually helped me freak out less but whatever. It would have been 10 people, but three were at a fundraiser with some food...and it was never ending slam session. We did $1000 in 2 hours. I was on steam which I'm not really fast at, but I knew it better than everyone I had on, so I had no choice and it sucked. I freaked out, I cried, I yelled at like everyone but two people. THANKFULLY, my boss got back in time and helped catch everything up while I went to the cooler and cried for like 30 seconds before helping out in the dining room. That's the first time I ever really thought about quitting. I have this stupid fight or flight thing when things get hard.
Wednesday: Two HUGE catering orders. Like needed to be done before opening or shortly there after. At the same time. Enough stress in itself. I was supposed to have that day off but came in to help.
Thursday: Just mentally exhausted and couldn't think straight. Got frustrated at like everything by the end of my shift. I had even told my boss that I was starting to get sick of that place. To which he just looked at me and said, "I don't think that's something you should say to your boss." Lol.

BUT. I did get to see my Wings win on Thursday night, with my fave player scoring the first AND last goal of the game.
And just watched him score a goal in tonight's game to break it out of the tie.

Friday was my day off and it was a good day. Kaiden got to re-meet his dad's sister Jazi. He was really excited to meet her and unfortunately he couldn't meet his baby cousin David as he was in critical care at Helen DeVos, but it was really good to see Jazi. We hadn't seen her in 4 years so Kaiden didn't remember her. Of course he was shy while we were visiting her. But she was so happy to see him. The first thing she said was, "He looks like my brother."

Today at work really wasn't bad...just kind of a pain with cooking pasta in the kettle instead. That's going to be my job tomorrow...thankfully I have a manager trainee tomorrow so he can run the shift instead of me.


So there's an update. <3 Now to finish watching the game and then fall asleep like my child!

December 3, 2014

So I decided that I'm going to take some of those quizzes that "tell" you what you are supposedly like. Just call it another insight to my world.

Which Mythological Creature Are You?
I got the Good Dragon. It says: You are the strongest, fastest, and smartest creature on the planet. That is a fact to be proud of! Others adore you. Even though you might be a little clumsy at the start, you will soon mature into a powerful beacon of hope and kindness.

What Type Of Friend Are You?
I got Honest Confidant. It says: We all know there are times in our lives when we need to hear the honest truth. That is when your friends call you! Whether it's telling them to dump that less than desirable partner, or offering them some sound fashion tips, friends can count on you to tell them the truth in a way that is respectful and dignified. You are the one they go to when they need affirming advice that will help them make the right decisions. You are a wise and compassionate companion who always keeps it real and that's why your friends love you so much!

Those were found on playbuzz.com. I found some of the other quizzes to be quite crappy and boring. So I googled personality quizzes and came to the website personalityquiz.com. I did one about what is causing stress in my life. It asked me to choose three of the four scenarios (just pictures). I chose A house with a garden, a group of people taking photos, and a galloping horse. I left out the one of a statue of the goddess Venus. The analysis: Leaving out the statue of venus means that you are stressed over matters of the heart. Not exactly relationship problems, but more to do with being tired of trying to settling things with your girlfriend/boyfriend.
Well, I don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend...but matters of the heart I do have struggles with.

So that's another little snippet into my personality I guess? Sorry for the short and probably boring post. I hope to have another one up within the next day or so!