August 29, 2014

Here are some facts about me that I feel are kinda important to know and to understand me:

• I try too hard at times.
• I tend to get ahead of myself and don't always know when or how to pull myself back.
• I get very jealous and it's not hard at all to make me jealous.
• I get annoyed super easily.
• Lack of common sense frustrates me.
• I hate when I feel that my hard work goes unnoticed. 
• I love working, yet I hate it. Probably because I do it all the time without enough time to relax.
• I would much rather be working one full time job with longer shifts and more days off.
• I get paranoid. I always think someone is talking about me when they are whispering around me.
• I don't trust a lot of people.
• If you want to tell a deep secret that you want ABSOLUTELY no one to know...I'm not the best person to tell. It doesn't mean that I can't keep one...but usually it's too much for me not to tell anyone so I have to tell just one person who doesn't know the other very well or at all.
• I miss high school and the friendships I had then.
• Everyday I think about the person who has hurt me the most.
• I just want to be happy, but really am not sure on how to be.
• I'm holding back in my relationship with God and I really don't know why.
• I'm afraid of the future, yet excited for it.
• Sometimes, I just need to have a break down before feeling better. 
• I hate crying. It literally burns my eyes.
• There's only one best friend of mine and that knows me so very well. She is my oldest friend and she's the only one that really and truly fully understands me. And she still loves every bit of me. 
• There's just so much I want in life that I feel like will just never happen to or for me.
• I hate lies and fakeness. I'd very much rather someone just be for real with the brutal truth to me than to fake it and lie.
• I hate when someone thinks I'm stupid. I know when I'm being talked about. Trust me.
• Don't try to pull anything over my eyes...I know more than you think I do. 
• I'm just about completely unsatisfied with my life.
• I need more.

August 25, 2014 (again)

I just wanna throw something out there.

You can't make the world change just because you don't like it. You get what you get. 

Yeah, this world sucks.
That's really no arguement.
But, unfortunately, that's just how it is.
You may want to change the world, and that's great and all. But there are ways that you can do it that are very feasible.

But just saying that you aren't going to work because you don't want to "conform" to this horrible world.
THAT'S just being delusional.
Jobs are very much necessary.
If you want to make a change, work your way up into a position that has the power to make a positive change.

I'm sorry things don't go your way in every single aspect of your life.
No need to throw a hissy fit or just expect things to go your way.
YOU ARE NOT PERFECT, YOU ARE NOT GOD.  You are a human. Living in this world. Whether you like it or not.

The sooner you accept that, the sooner your life will start working out for you.
Stop resisting everything.
It's getting you no where.

There's no need to have to repeat this over and over.
But some people just don't get it.

August 25, 2014

So I noticed tonight that I like to say that I have a five year old. Like, a lot.

A kid acts out at one of my jobs, parents apologize, I just smile and nod because I get it. Then I say, "I have a five year old." Then the parents smile back because they know I understand how it is.

I walked into the bathroom tonight at work and right away got a view of a baby's bottom on the changing table and it surprised me because I didn't expect anyone in there and I kind of let out a noise and his mother apologized quickly and said she was almost done.
No, ma'am. Please don't rush the job because I walk in. I understand completely how it is.
"I have a five year old."

My five year old. He starts kindergarten a week from tomorrow (which at this point in time is actually Tuesday.) I was saying at work tonight that I would probably cry. I will watch him get on the bus, cry, go work, cry, and get home in time for him to get off the bus. Then cry happy tears that he's home and ask how his first day of kindergarten went.

I'm not even ready for this.
I'm not ready for my one and only baby to start Kindergarten.
Even now, just thinking about it, I'm shaking my head.
It's so unreal.
It's hard for me to completely wrap my mind around. Like it gets half way and just stops.
Sure, I've sent him off to preschool all last school year. He's gone to daycare all day everyday for the past couple of years. I should be used to this, or at least expect to handle it greatly.
But, this is KINDERGARTEN! It's actually elementary school.
My child is in elementary school.

18 years ago, I was in his shoes.
I don't really remember a lot about my Kindergarten years. Well, all 1 1/4 years. Long story.

Every time I look at him, I am just amazed. He has grown to be such a wonderful boy. Sure, he has his moments. Everyone does.
But this is my child.
The absolute most important person in my life.
How did he get this big, this smart, this silly?
Where did the time go?!

I have a five year old. Five.

August 23, 2014 (Cussing is in this post, so if you don't like it, I suggest not reading it.)

So I'm going to get one thing straight right now.

I am NOT somebody that is to be walked all over.
I am not somebody that is going to talked to in a certain way but not allowed to talk back in the same manner.

Apparently, people in my life think that I'm just supposed to take being verbally put down in ways. Talked down to. Treated like a kid.

Fuck you.

I'm an adult.
And yeah, I have those days where I'm going to get upset about something that is actually very important to myself, but of so little importance to someone else.

I can't vent to anybody about anything anymore without SOMEONE getting upset. When really, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with the person I vent out to.

Like there are many times that I just want to LEAVE. Go somewhere else where I don't know a fucking soul and just start over.

Yeah, I used to be that girl five years ago who didn't want to upset people so just went along with what they said or did. I let my son's father and an ex of mine treat me like crap, mentally and verbally abuse me, treat me like a child, and talk down to me...just so they wouldn't leave or get upset with me.

I still don't like making certain people upset, so people still take advantage of it.

So many people still treat me like a child.
Or I feel like I'm treated like a child.
Or maybe I just feel like a fucking child and I fucking hate it.
I'm a fucking mother of a child, not a child myself.

I have some attributes that are childlike in some ways I guess.
I feel like some of that is because I was forced to grow up faster than I should have.

I feel a lot of different ways.
But who just really cares?
Nobody acts like they care.
Some say it, but when it comes time that I need them to care, they just don't.

Like I just don't understand.
I don't understand my life.
I don't understand myself.
I just don't understand.

I hate it.
I hate crying.
But that's all I do anymore.

I'm too damn sensitive for my good.
I wish I could just not feelings except for love for my child. That's it.
I don't want these feelings.

August 21, 2014

It is 5 in the morning on my day off and I'm wide awake.

I woke up to my baby having laid his head on my chest and laying sprawled out sideways on the bed, my arm around him and hand laying on his stomach and his hand holding mine. It was so cute and I didn't want to move.

But the thing that woke me up in the first place made me move. I felt like I was going to throw up.
I know the cause of it.
Cramps. Major cramps. :(

So blindly I got up and was hoping that was able to get some relief...but no. Unfortunately, I have no idea where the bag of tums that my sister has are, and I was not about to wake her up this early to ask for them.

So, hopefully ibuprofen kicks in and I'm able to maybe take a nap today. Although, I really shouldn't because I work technically tomorrow and I know I probably wouldn't be able to sleep.


So. Moving on.

Yesterday was a lot of fun. It was the first day of two that I would have off in a row from work and I was just plain excited.
I dropped Syd off at work after she got the phone call about her second job.
I had decided to keep Kaiden home from daycare yesterday to spend the whole day with me because he doesn't get those very often. We hung out with Steph for about an hour and half, then took her to work.
I got a call from my dad who asked if I still wanted to drive to Coke like I told him I would a few days ago. So I got to drive his white old truck that I hadn't drove since that time five years ago when I still had my permit and drove through rush hour traffic in Chicago. I was to bring an extremely heavy forklift battery from a warehouse he deals with to the Coke factory in Paw Paw. That's about an hourish trip on the highway. Well, the guy who put the battery in the trunk put it at the edge of the trunk, like an inch from the tailgate. That freaked me out. I was so scared I was going to have to slam on the brakes anytime and have that battery move more than an inch and bust through the tailgate into another car and just create a huge mess. So I was that annoying truck going 55-60 on the highway. I kept saying prayers to God to just let me get to the factory with no problems. And He did. Thank goodness. I was so happy to get that battery off the truck.
So then I drop the battery off, but had to go down the street and pick up an attachment from another place of business that my dad deals with. There, I had to talk to a very rude lady who was giving me a huge attitude it seemed, just for asking her if I could talk to the guy that my dad told me to talk to.
"He's VERY busy at the moment."
Well, so am I.
But thankfully it wasn't more than a few minutes before I was able to talk to him and get the attachment and get on my way. That thing weighed A LOT less than the battery and I made sure the guy put it as far back as he could! I was not about to have another drive back where I am gripping the wheel and being so nervous. I like to drive while being relaxed. My only issue with it was that it was blocking my view out the back windows, but I am used to that from driving his work vans that have no windows in the back anyways.
So I get back to the shop where I had left my car with just starting to grind brakes. I came back to brand new brakes in the front, but my tires were found to be really bad in the back. I just had new tires put in the front in February. So all I am thinking is, "$$$$$$$." But, I have a very wonderful father and uncle, who I am extremely grateful for.
I get back home and pick up Sydney, we do a little needed cleaning, then we went over to my parents to swim. I wanna say that we spent about an hour or two in the pool. It started off with just my son, Syd, brother, and I. Then, my mom came out for a bit...although before that she was claiming how COLD the water was. At 86*. Really, Mom?
She got out shortly, but a little bit after that, Gabby came in. Then my dad got home and came in the pool where we played Chicken in teams of Syd and I vs. Gabby and Dad. Syd and I won. :)
Then we played Marco Polo.
It was a lot of fun.
After getting out, we dried off and my dad went to go pick up pizza and Syd, Max, Gabby, and I sat at the dining room table and played Trashcan with a deck of cards. Max won. Dad sat down during the game to watch. Afterwards, we all played Go Fish, including Dad.
And honestly, it was just a great day. :) Very fun family bonding time.

Have I ever said just how good it is to have Sydney home again. :) <3

Speaking of, Syd and I have to seriously consider where we are going to live in December. My lease is up then, but they are wanting $30 more on the new lease contract. It's starting to get a little too expensive for me. Now, I realize I have cheaper rent for a 2 bed room now than I would find around here...but as my rent is getting higher, the space I pay rent for is not getting larger.
I would rather pay more rent elsewhere for more space. My dollar per square footage. That's what I'm looking at now. So we have a few months, but need to start looking now.

Well, that's all I've got to say for now.
My stomach is feeling a little bit better, but I don't know if I can get to sleep now.

August 18, 2014

I haven't really told many people, but I want more kids.

Before anybody starts to question, no I'm not pregnant. And really, I don't know if I want to go through the whole labor deal again...not after the labor I had with Kaiden.

But one day, I would absolutely love to adopt.
There are so many kids that need loving homes and I would love to be one of those.

I had a dream last night that I adopted this newborn baby girl. I loved her. Oh how I wish it wasn't a dream.

My baby wants to be a big brother so bad.
I get jealous that people I know get to have 2 or 3 kids and seems to take it for granted.

I just wish it would all work out.
It may...


Who really knows though?

Some people have dreams that don't come true.

August 17, 2014

Maybe writing this post at midnight with a sleeping pill starting to kick in, but there were quite a few things on my mind today.

- Respect. Is that really hard to do nowadays? Yes, I tend to have an attitude at times. Am I always right with the attitude? No, not always. But it happens and I am aware that it is something I need to work on. But if you are one that is demanding respect from others when you treat them like literal shit...you're absolutely not going to get any respect at all. The most sincere and best respect you can get from someone is when you give the same back. It's really not that difficult at all. My instance is when I'm at work and a manager gets the shittiest attitude and starts snapping at something that I may or may not have done...the best way to tell me that I screwed up in something is to tell me with a level tone. Don't belittle me, you absolutely will get an attitude. That is an instant set off for me. I have absolutely no problem with being corrected because I want to do my best and if I'm not doing it right, I would love to know...but there is a way to go about it. Do it calmly and make me feel like a person. You don't have to yell at me to get your point across. I am pretty sure that I am not the only person that feels this way...that the best way to be corrected to have it done in a civil manner. There is a time, a place, and a tone to being corrected.

It's seemingly rare nowadays to find people that just respect another person's property, area, feelings, thoughts, what have you. These stories about murders and burglaries. I know these have been around for many, many years...but dang. It seems like every other story in the news is about this murder or that murder. I don't understand why. What makes someone just want to take another person's life?! Sure, I have people that I get incredibly mad at and think that my life would be better without them in it...but it's not all about me. They have a life, family, friends. Why don't killers understand or realize? Hearing about that 9 year old who got stabbed while just playing at his neighborhood's playground just makes me scared to let my son walk out my front door without me. When I was his age, shit like that wasn't very common.

I think back to when I was younger and would just go riding my bike around my neighborhood and down a few streets and across the busy street and down some more streets to my cousins' houses and it really wasn't a big deal. Like I spent a lot of time outside and away from my parents, just playing and being a kid. I didn't get murdered or hurt or snatched. But again, I'm afraid to let my son go five feet away from me. He's five and I still make him hold my hand or walk right in front of me in public. I didn't have to do that when I was five. But then again, that was 18 years ago. Things were way different back then. The 90's were incredible years.

-Sportscars. Yeah, they look cool and all that, but when you gun your engine and take off like you are in a race or something, or drive at night without your lights on....you just look dumb. I don't understand what the meaning of having to do that was? What satisfaction did you get out of maybe ruining parts of your car? Showing off? You're not that cool.

-Work. I do understand that in my lifetime, I will have to work jobs that I hate. What pays the bills, right? But damn. I hate being bored. I thought it was going to be amazing to work at a place that sells sports apparel and other really cool things, but when the business is not there or you're being forced to talk to customers that you either have already talked to and they just want to get about their business or shopping or just downright don't want to talk to you...it gets really annoying. I'm one of those shoppers that really don't want the workers talking to me. I didn't come into a store to talk to you. I came here to shop. I totally get having that customer connection and getting to know them and whatnot, but being pressured and pushed and forced to do it when, again, half the time it's unwanted...that's annoying.

Then when you're working your butt off while your managers are just standing around and talking to each other about everything but work, it starts pissing me off. Especially when there are things that actually need to be done. What, that's all supposed to be on me? What are you getting paid to do, talk?! If you wanna talk about your weekend, fine....but please either do it while you are doing some work, or don't start bitching at me for not doing any work when you aren't and could be.

I also found out that I don't really have good days when I have to work on a Saturday. Maybe because it's a day that my son can't go to daycare so I feel like I want to stay at home with him too. But that's not how it is with my life. I need my jobs, so I have to work what I am given.


-My son. Today while I was working and looking through the cute clothes at work, I was thinking about how big my son is getting, how grown he is getting. He's five now, like I've said before...but seeing like the toddler clothes, then realizing my son doesn't fit those sizes anymore and that I actually have to shop in the boys section instead of the kids section. That made me sad. Then I just started to wonder what he will be like when he's 8, 10, 12, 14, 16, 18....what's he going to be into? What's the world going to be like for him then? What's he going to look like? Will he be great in school? What ambitions, goal, dreams will he have?

I make it a point now to let him know that he can be anything he wants to be when he's older. The sky is the limits for him. Whatever he chooses to do with his life...I will be right there with him. Every step of the way. Nothing will come between me and my child. Nothing, absolutely NOTHING he could do would tear us a part. He will have me...I will be his biggest fan, cheerleader.

That's pretty much everything that has ran through my mind today...and I'm getting really tired. Sooo. Goodnight..

And you, person reading this at 12:40ish am....I hope you get some sleep as soon as possible!

August 11, 2014

First off, RIP Robin Williams. Such a character, such a comedian. He brought much laughter into the world. 



I realize that I try to hard to maybe impress people? I was told before that I was laid back...I just laughed. I feel everything but laid back. I freak out about things that are out of my control. Maybe I seem chill on the outside, but on the inside I'm just a complete mess.
Sometimes that mess gets out and I look like a spaz case.

Sometimes, I don't know how I handle it all. Working and parenting.
Half the time, I just feel like crying.

I do it because I have no choice.
I don't have any other options.
That's how it is and I just force myself through it.

But. If you ever see me and I'm less than perfect, if I'm less than the best, if I'm not myself...
Just remember, put yourself in my shoes for a week and tell me how you feel at the end.

August 3, 2014

I feel like my emotions are everywhere.
Last time, I thought it was because I was supposed to be getting my monthly and it turned out to be right...but this time. It's not.

I honestly hadn't thought much about it until just a few minutes ago...but maybe I'm freaking out because there just has been absolutely so many changes in the past two months that I just don't know how to feel.

I was used to having the same two jobs.
Then throw in the third job  at the end of 2013. Then get used to how things go for the next 6 months.

Then quit the two jobs after working them for three years....them being all you knew for so long.
Quit one of the jobs first, going back to two jobs. A week or so later, get a new job so back up to three. Then a month and half later, quit the second job of the three years, so back to two jobs. Then a couple of weeks later get a new job, going BACK up to three. Then quitting the one you got at the end of last year a couple of weeks later. So now working at two jobs that you are still learning when you are so used to knowing everything about how your job goes.

Then throw in learning something about your sister and her moving back after living away from her for two years. Not to mention that she's living with you and getting that bond back. Which is great...but still a change. It's not just my son and I at home anymore.

I have never had this much change in a short period of time.
And I am freaking out.
I'm used to controlling things in my life.
But this.

I think I'm losing it.
I need some steadiness at this point.


Help. God, please help calm this storm in me.
Give me a solid rock to stand on until I can catch my breath.