December 31, 2014

Finally, it's the end of 2014. I went in hoping that it would be the best year yet. It a weird way It kind of was.

I went through a lot emotionally.
I had the number of 5 jobs the whole year, all of them at one time until July. In September, I went to one full time job and I actually love it.
I have made a few new friends and one of them becoming one of my best friends.

I have also had a few down parts. One of my best friends moved states away. We do talk on a daily. :) My son went through a surgeries but is ending the year on a healthy note.

This year I felt the best about myself. My confidence is getting better and I'm not as jealous of relationships as I once was. I still want one and I'm hoping that I have the chance in 2015.
In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy each day with the most important person and family and great friends.

I hope you all do the same!
Have a happy new year and see you in 2015!

December 26, 2014

So it is the day after Christmas, well only like by an hour. But I want to keep this kinda short because I'm writing this post on my kindle and dunno if I really like typing on here or not. But there were a couple of things on my mind this holiday season.

The first one is that I'm so incredibly blessed to have the family and friends that I do today. This year has been so crazy with my multiple jobs, my sister coming home, and finally landing into some better type of financial state. I have lost some friendships, made some new friendships, and rekindled other friendships. I have become best friends with one of my co-workers that kind never thought would happen. These changes all make up a part of who I am. Some friendships are bringing me out of my shell and my willingness to try new things and to be myself no matter how weird she thinks I am!

The second thing is that not just relationship wise, but material wise, I am blessed in that area. I have a better Christmas that some people, if not most, do. I don't know any Christmas of just three or less presents. I'm used to being spoiled. I'm 24 with my own child who I spoiled, yet my parents still spoiled my child and I when really they don't have to. I got one major thing that I really wanted and that was money for the new phone that I have been putting off since September or October. My parents are amazing to still do this for me. Even though they can get on my nerves, I honestly wouldn't ask for any different parents. They are also who helped make me the person I am today, either by guiding me or showing me how I don't want to be.

As this year of 2014 comes to an end, I ask each of you to think back and see how different you have become since the beginning of the year.

December 22, 2014

So I just realized the other day and again today that I'm a big talker.
Not like, all talk and no walk kinda thing.
But more like, I'm more exciting to talk to on like snapchat, texting, facebook message, and whatnot. In person, I feel like I'm more boring. Except for like two people. I'm completely myself around them. ;)

For other people, it takes me a bit to actually open up and be who I am.
I get there, but it takes a while.
I mean, the two people that I am so comfortable around, I've been best friends with one of them for 13 years and the other for almost 10 years.
Not saying it's going to take that long for someone to actually get to know the real me.
But those two. <3

I can be completely dull in person. I don't know why...maybe I just feel awkward.

I'm just really weird.

December 15, 2014

I feel like something is missing in my life.
Don't get me wrong, I've been the happiest with my life since I can last remember.
I have a full time job with good pay that I actually love.
My son is the healthiest he has been after the procedures he had done this year (tonsillectomy, adenoidectomy, and a pre-cancerous mole removed).
My financial situation is slowly, but surely, getting better.
I have the most wonderful best friends who I have had friendships with for years.
I also have quite a few new friendships that are growing every day.

Despite all of this...I still feel that something is missing.
And it's very obvious.
My partner is missing.
My son's father figure.
My soulmate.

This year, I've seen so many people on facebook get engaged or married. So many people from my graduating class, and 3 weddings in the span of a couple of months from church between very wonderful people.

As happy as I am for all...I can't help but wonder:
When is my time?

I don't want to rush God's plans for me.
Even if I could...there is no possible way.
But then I wonder, what really are his plans for me?
What if his plans don't include me actually knowing what love really is between two soulmates.

This is certainly not the first time I have expressed this concern.
And I always receive the dreaded and VERY annoying: But you have Kaiden.

Yes. I do have my son.
And his love is the most wonderful and precious thing I could ask for.
But he is my son. Not my soulmate. Those are two very different types of love. Why am I not allowed to have both?
What is so special (or not special) about me that I can't experience that type of love?

Sure, I've had boyfriends in the past.
Have I ever loved any of them?
I thought I had at the time.
Was it real love?
No. It was lust.

I've never had a boyfriend through any holiday or even my birthday.
Okay, actually that's a lie.
I had one boyfriend through July 4th...

I've never had a guy make me feel so special. I've never been spoiled. And by spoiled, I don't mean materialistically. I mean, emotionally. I've never had a guy actually care for me and my well-being.
I've never had any guy that actually wanted to be there for me or be with me.

I know I don't need a guy.
I'm supposedly a strong, single mom that doesn't need a man.
Okay.
That doesn't mean that I don't want one.
Then I get told that I have unrealistic standards.
Since when are having a job and a car unrealistic standards?
If a guy doesn't have a car, that's not the end of the world, but I'm not a damn taxi cab. I shouldn't always have to drive to see someone. Maybe I'd actually want to stay in and have them come to me. If they can find their own transportation half the time, that's not a problem.
I'm also not someone's ATM.
I work hard for my money and unless I'm married, I don't have the obligation to support anyone except myself and my son. 

Sure, I have my idea of how I want him to be and look.
My absolute dream guy is probably non-existant.
Or if he is, I guarantee you that he would never want to be with someone that is me.

I wish some people would actually consider how I feel about this.
I wish some people would just shut up and not say I don't need a man.

So I'm supposed to go through life feeling so alone?
What happens after my son graduates and moves out?
And it's just me at home.
My friends would all have their own families at home.
And I would be alone with no one.

Think about that for a second.
Before just throwing any consideration for my feelings out the window and opening your mouth and telling me how I should feel about this subject.

December 7, 2014

Sometimes I just watch my son. I just look at him. And then my heart breaks for him.
He has to grow up without a father because his father is too selfish to try hard enough.

Now, that may sound bad to someone who has no idea the back story and everything I had gone through with his father.
Try hard enough? So the fact that he always claims that his misses and loves his kids isn't good enough?
No. It really is not.


As a parent, I've had to give up a lot for my son.
I couldn't go to college right away and be away from home like I wanted. I never got to experience that college dorm life like most of the people I graduated with.
I don't have that many friends anymore. The best friends that I do have, I've had them for years and wouldn't want to be without them. But there are some friends I have that don't have kids but want to hang out and want me to find a babysitter. I can't just go out for a night.
Even though I have gone to some Red Wings games without Kaiden, I've turned down my fair share as well just to stay home with him.
I can't do my dream job with being Public Relations somewhere in hockey due to the long hours away from home and Kaiden.

Please don't get me wrong.
If given a choice, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I gave up a lot for my son. I made sacrifices. That's what parents do.
So just because his dad comes around once in a while and says he misses Kaiden and loves him....
sorry that just doesn't cut it.
I told you what you have to do to be allowed in his life.
You still choose to do those and that's your CHOICE.
You have to make sacrifices to be a parent.
It doesn't go on just your terms.
I made sacrifices, you do too.
I do all the raising, you aren't allowed to come in and try to claim any of the credit.

That's my biggest issue about him.

December 6, 2014

So I had a really rough week. It was so mentally draining that I actually had an anxiety attack at work.
Monday: I get a call and ask if I wanted overtime. Well, I'm not going to say no! So I went in and worked 10 1/2 hours, which is long for me. The reasoning: the pasta cooker went down and the kettle that is the alternative to cooking pasta was going to take a long time to clean out so my boss had to go to our Alpine store to cook the pasta. It would have just been three people at the store so I needed to come in.
Tuesday: Kid's night. With 6 people. That's one person on every position. Well, actually I had someone else, but he was needed to do bread and I really didn't think about bringing him up to help which would have actually helped me freak out less but whatever. It would have been 10 people, but three were at a fundraiser with some food...and it was never ending slam session. We did $1000 in 2 hours. I was on steam which I'm not really fast at, but I knew it better than everyone I had on, so I had no choice and it sucked. I freaked out, I cried, I yelled at like everyone but two people. THANKFULLY, my boss got back in time and helped catch everything up while I went to the cooler and cried for like 30 seconds before helping out in the dining room. That's the first time I ever really thought about quitting. I have this stupid fight or flight thing when things get hard.
Wednesday: Two HUGE catering orders. Like needed to be done before opening or shortly there after. At the same time. Enough stress in itself. I was supposed to have that day off but came in to help.
Thursday: Just mentally exhausted and couldn't think straight. Got frustrated at like everything by the end of my shift. I had even told my boss that I was starting to get sick of that place. To which he just looked at me and said, "I don't think that's something you should say to your boss." Lol.

BUT. I did get to see my Wings win on Thursday night, with my fave player scoring the first AND last goal of the game.
And just watched him score a goal in tonight's game to break it out of the tie.

Friday was my day off and it was a good day. Kaiden got to re-meet his dad's sister Jazi. He was really excited to meet her and unfortunately he couldn't meet his baby cousin David as he was in critical care at Helen DeVos, but it was really good to see Jazi. We hadn't seen her in 4 years so Kaiden didn't remember her. Of course he was shy while we were visiting her. But she was so happy to see him. The first thing she said was, "He looks like my brother."

Today at work really wasn't bad...just kind of a pain with cooking pasta in the kettle instead. That's going to be my job tomorrow...thankfully I have a manager trainee tomorrow so he can run the shift instead of me.


So there's an update. <3 Now to finish watching the game and then fall asleep like my child!

December 3, 2014

So I decided that I'm going to take some of those quizzes that "tell" you what you are supposedly like. Just call it another insight to my world.

Which Mythological Creature Are You?
I got the Good Dragon. It says: You are the strongest, fastest, and smartest creature on the planet. That is a fact to be proud of! Others adore you. Even though you might be a little clumsy at the start, you will soon mature into a powerful beacon of hope and kindness.

What Type Of Friend Are You?
I got Honest Confidant. It says: We all know there are times in our lives when we need to hear the honest truth. That is when your friends call you! Whether it's telling them to dump that less than desirable partner, or offering them some sound fashion tips, friends can count on you to tell them the truth in a way that is respectful and dignified. You are the one they go to when they need affirming advice that will help them make the right decisions. You are a wise and compassionate companion who always keeps it real and that's why your friends love you so much!

Those were found on playbuzz.com. I found some of the other quizzes to be quite crappy and boring. So I googled personality quizzes and came to the website personalityquiz.com. I did one about what is causing stress in my life. It asked me to choose three of the four scenarios (just pictures). I chose A house with a garden, a group of people taking photos, and a galloping horse. I left out the one of a statue of the goddess Venus. The analysis: Leaving out the statue of venus means that you are stressed over matters of the heart. Not exactly relationship problems, but more to do with being tired of trying to settling things with your girlfriend/boyfriend.
Well, I don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend...but matters of the heart I do have struggles with.

So that's another little snippet into my personality I guess? Sorry for the short and probably boring post. I hope to have another one up within the next day or so!

November 27, 2014

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Thanksgiving is a day that you think about what you are thankful for. Although, really every day you should think about what you are thankful for, but I guess you just announce it on social media more on Thanksgiving. That being said, here is a list of just some of the things and people I am thankful for:

• MY SON!
• God and my faith
• My family- parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles
• The best friends any one can ask for.
• My cat
• Some of the coolest people that I call my friends.
• Veterns and Active Duty Military 
• To be living in a free country
• A full time job at a good pay
• Financial stability
• A roof over my head
• A car
• The best co-workers
• A great boss
• My cell phone
• Having cable and internet
• Food in my cupboards
• Books
• HOCKEY!
• My computer
• Electricity
• Heat
• Clothes on my back
• Good health for both my son and I.
• The various way to communicate with friends that live away from me
• To have access to a higher education
• To have had a great education in grade school

Some of these things may seem silly, but when you think about it...some of these things are so taken for granted that we don't really think about being thankful for them. Those living in other countries who are at a lower standard of living than we are do not get to have such luxuries as a job, shelter, food, education, electricity, heat, good health, etc.
I complain a bit (although not as much as I used to), because it's easy to forget to be thankful for what you have.

Think about what you are thankful for. Maybe you already have.
I hope each and everyone of you have a great Thanksgiving with family and friends!

November 25, 2014 (WARNING: CUSS WORDS! DO NOT READ IF SWEARING OFFENDS YOU)

I'm just going to through this out there because of how ridiculous this all is.

I have a friend who had a break up with her boyfriend of 3 years. It wasn't exactly the very cleanest break up, but it eventually quite soon turned out okay and she moved on from it. But now...the guy's "girlfriend" or whatever she thinks she is to him, has been harassing my friend non-stop on facebook first, then she made up a twitter to stalk and talk shit about her on there.

My friend has NOT tried to contact her ex in any way, shape, or form. She has not once tried to get back with him or start shit with him. She has left him and his family alone since the break up.

But this girl. She keeps trying to say that my friend gets everything handed to her, she has mommy and daddy's money, try working and providing for herself on her own, she's crazy....all lies about my friend.

For one, I fucking WORK with my friend. She's a hard ass worker and she has a full time job with better pay than that girl. So she doesn't live on her own....who the fuck cares but you little girl?! It doesn't mean she's always going to live on her own. She bought her own car with her own money, she buys herself things with HER money, not her parents. She doesn't get everything handed to her and she's not a spoiled bitch. She's most definitely not the crazy one in this situation. You are, because you can't leave her alone.

I don't understand why some girls out there just think that they are so bad ass. You are so quick to fight someone that doesn't even have anything to do with your life. You don't care about being cute or classy? You're not worried about going to jail? Wow. What a winner. You're just crazy.

Grow up. Get a life. Leave my friend alone and get on with your life. You're not cool. You make yourself look extra pathetic and you're just annoying. Do you seriously have nothing better to do than to stalk someone's social pages and start crap with them and their friend?

My friend is done and moved on from that guy that you think she still wants.
Pssttt. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Good luck to you with that one.

November 22, 2014

If you have known me for a few years...maybe even since middle school, you'd know that I wasn't particularly happy with my life. It wasn't that it was bad or anything. My parents were (and still are) married, there was a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back, everything I needed and then some. But it was those teenage years where you just aren't satisfied or you wanted something else.

I wasn't exactly popular in school, in any of the schools I had been to. I was more so the outcast that dressed in dark clothing and was just plain weird. Hey, I admit it. Then I think back and more than half of my best friends I had met in middle school. They were weird, too. ;)

All through high school and the early part of my adult life...all I did was want, want, want. I wanted what I couldn't have. I was jealous of those that had what I wanted.
Like relationships. I never had a serious relationship, not even with the father of my son. That was more a summer fling that ended up with a child. The most amazing child I could ask for, by the way. None of my relationships to date have lasted more than 2 months. I never had a deep connection with any of them.
Now, I have some friends that are married, engaged, or in long term relationships and for a while I had been jealous while being happy for them. I wanted (and still do want) a relationship with my soul mate. I think about it each and every day.

As of late...my contentment has grown. Sure, there are still things I want that I don't have now...but it's like for once I'm not constantly chasing after something else, the next thing.
I have a full time job that are meeting the bills and giving me spending money.
My son is happy and healthy.

I'm literally in such a good mood right now.

My life doesn't suck like I thought some years ago. ;)

November 21, 2014

Good morning! I have the day off today and although I wish I could still be sleeping right now, my son didn't have a snow day like I was hoping so I did actually have to get up and get him ready and off to school. Now that I had done that, I don't really want to try falling back asleep because I probably coun't even if I tried.

So I was pleasantly surprised at the fact that some people are actually clicking on the ads that are found on my blog. I get a few cents per click (the amounts depend on the ad) and it's added up so far so fast that I can actually get a payment soon. I know ads are annoying, but it's helping me. So, thank you to whoever clicked on them!

Again, not much has happened since my last post. Pretty much just work, sleep, and relaxation.
My hatred for winter and snow in general has just increased much in the past week.

Since I don't really have much to say, I thought maybe I would share some pictures that I can completely relate to. These are pictures of quotes that I've seen on pinterest or facebook that I saved on my computer because I can completely relate to them somehow. It's another way you can see into what kind of person I am and whatnot.

 Like I said, just a small insight on how I feel about things. I thought I had alot more than I actually did, but maybe again in another post.

Well, this is all for now. I need to gather motivation to do things that really and absolutely have to get done. Have a good day, everyone!

November 15, 2014

So I really fail at updating everyday.
It's hard to do on the nights that I close at work because then I get home late and all I want to do then is lay in bed. I could post during the day but I get lazy.
So what happened since last post?

My best friend moved across the country. :(

She's doing well though. :) She is enjoying having escaped the snow that came the day after her departure and being in 70+ degree weather. I'm currently trying to plan a vacation to visit her sometime early next year. I already miss her so much.

Besides that, not much has happened.

I have enjoyed a day off where the only time I left my apartment was to go to the store and get candy and pop I was really craving.
Not the best thing for when I want to lose weight.
But hey, I have my weak moments.
I might possibly be going to the gym with my cousin tonight after Kaiden is off to bed. Because my sister lets me have a slight life and babysits for me without complaining. I appreciate her so much for it. <3

So lately, I have had a couple of friends who have recently gone through and are still going through a hurtful time caused by someone they were in a long time relationship with.
Why do some boys cheat on such wonderful ladies?! I don't understand. Why hurt them? If you didn't want to be with them, be straight up honest and break it off cleanly and with closure. So lie to their face, don't beat around the bush, don't treat them any less than they deserve. Especially when they give their all to you. I will never understand the logic of it.

I need to do more praying. I need to do more sincere and deep thought, deep talk praying with God. I need to let go of my past in certain parts, I need to change certain things in my life...and I know I need to change other areas to be closer to Him that I'm just not ready to give up yet. It's an inner battle with me, and I need to actually slow down and not shoot just a quick prayer when I see someone ask for prayers for any person or when I want something to go my way or happen for me.
I need to actually make the time and stop pushing it off because I'm lazy. That's no excuse.

I don't know where my life is headed. It's in a spot where I'm just content. It's okay for right now, but I don't want to be just content forever. I just haven't found that thing that will make me take it to the next level. It's alright for now. I don't have much complaints...none that are necessary.

Well, until next time. Hopefully tomorrow on my day off again...no guarantees though. My sister and I have a Red Wings game to go to. <3

November 9, 2014

So I completely failed at my goal in my last post.
It's now 6 days past my birthday and I hadn't posted once.
So this one may or may not be a long-ish post.
I feel like I have a lot to talk about, but I'm just kind of in that mood where I just don't want to put effort into anything. I don't even know! Haha.

First.
One of my best friends is moving in just THREE days! Well, however you want to count days...she's leaving Wednesday morning. I'll be at work putting away truck, but nonetheless be thinking about her. She's taught me so much with work and actually life as well. She's been there since I was pregnant, and even though we had a few times where we stopped being friends...we are better now than we have ever been. I didn't cry on her last day of work, but I knew I would cry closer to her leaving. I actually am right now. For the past 6 years, she has always been right there. I know, with her moving, she will still be there...but not physically and because of the time difference, maybe not right when I need her advice in the moment or whatnot. She has seen me at my best and seen me at my worst. She has been such a staple in my life...a constant for the past couple of years. After Tuesday, we aren't going to be able to make random lunch plans or just hang out before work. It's going to be so different.
BUT. As much as I will terribly miss her...I am so incredibly happy for her and her wonderful husband!! It's definitely a new step in her life and I am so glad that she has a wonderful and amazing husband to be with her every single step of the way. I am so excited to see what lies ahead for her. :)
I love you, Stephanie! <3

Now that I have dried my tears and my eyes have stopped burning...there's been a lot more on my mind.
To me, the word "friend" actually shouldn't be tossed around so easily. If you call someone a friend, then expect them to act like one. If you didn't want them to act like a friend to you, don't call them one. I mean, it's as simple as that. Don't be all friendly one day, but then talking behind their back or acting like a complete 180 the next day. Those are games that really nobody should have time for.

I want a vacation.
Desperately.
I want to go lay on the beach.
I want to be in warm weather!
If I could, I really would live near an ocean. Live on the Florida or South Carolina coast. Most preferably. I want to travel a lot.
I just have this unsatisfying need to move. I don't like staying in one place for so long.
I'm honestly surprised that I have managed to stay with this apartment for 4 years now. I would actually love to move right now, since my lease will up soon...but financially I won't be able to make that work at the moment. So I'm stuck with signing another lease for another year. Maybe in June, things will be different and I will be able to do a buy out from the lease. We will see!

Tomorrow, I'm going to start getting back into the gym. I'm getting settled in at work and being a manager. I can get into the gym when I have the days off or close. I'm not loving my body in the least bit, but the only person that can change that is me.

Well, I felt like I would have more to say...but like I said earlier...not really in the mood. So this is it until tomorrow.

<3

November 2, 2014

Tomorrow is my birthday.
I will be 24.
When I first think about my 23rd year, I didn't really think much happened.
But then I think again.
And I was mistaken.
It's not what other people would be considered much, but for me, it definitely was.

I started out my 23rd year- November 3, 2013- with just two jobs. My first was working for my dad. The second was working for J&H Family Stores. I was still living where I live now. I missed my sister who was in Florida. On November 25, I started a third job. I never imagined that would really happen or really work out. It was at Jimmy John's and it lasted 8 months. By July, I had slowly quit all three jobs. I got a new job at Rally House that was what I thought I would always love...working with sports apparel and getting to wear jeans or shorts to work. I didn't really love it. It was not busy enough and I found myself so bored. In May, however, one of my best friends got me a job at her work. Fazoli's. And honestly, I love it. I am now an associate manager. I am satisfied right now with where I'm at. I'm just about completely caught up financially. My sister who was in Florida now currently lives with me. My son had started kindergarten during my 23rd year as well.

Going to into my 24th year, I'm sick. I spent all weekend being sick and it sucks. But could most definitely be worse. I have so many blessings that I don't always thank God for. Starting today, I guess, I will be trying my very best to post every single day. I want to be able to look back at my year, right before I turn 25 and see how far I have come.

I have a good feeling about this coming year.
I hope that I am right.

Although, one sad thing happens in the first two weeks of being 24...one of my best friends moves to Arizona! :( As much as I will miss her...I am so excited for her to start a new chapter in her life, I'm so excited for her to be so happy. :)

October 31, 2014

So this is a ranting post.
I'm flustered with the whole thing.

How are you going to pick a manipulative and lying person over your own son.
What does that say about you?
You want to blame me for you not seeing him.
You can only blame yourself.
I chose to stop fighting and be friends. And I told you from the get that if things get hostile, you were going to be blocked and definitely out of Kaiden's life until he is 18.
You think I was kidding?!
You think that I was so stupid to just let you do whatever you want?
Excuse you.
My son deserves a hell of a lot better than you could ever give him.
I gave you a chance against my better judgement.
I should have listened to my head and my gut.
But I allowed it because Kaiden was started to ask about you.
But this, this is so stupid.
You are almost 25 fricken years old.
My 16 year old sister is more mature than you.
Grow up, get a job, get a real life, do something! Take care of your responsibilities.
Be an adult.
Not a little kid.
Kaiden needs a dad, not a big brother, not a friend, not another kid to play with. He doesn't need any of those from you.

I say the same thing over and over and over to you and you just don't listen.
So, bye!

Kaiden will have someone better in his life...better than you will ever be.

October 24, 2014

Obviously it's been a while since I updated.
Things haven't been like overly exciting...but some things have changed that were pretty big.

I have been officially certified and have done a couple of morning shifts on my own. Monday night is my first closing shift with no manager closing with me. So I'm pretty excited for that.
Financially I am in a better place than I have been in such a while.

The other big thing is that my son's father and I are no longer fighting.
It doesn't mean that he just gets to suddenly see Kaiden whenever he wants...I still have to be able to trust him first to even stay in Kaiden's life once Kaiden is introduced to him. He will be able to see Kaiden, but won't be able to take Kaiden without me there for quite the long time yet.
One step at a time.
It's working pretty well right now.
We are talking and I'm giving him advice on certain things and he even admitted that I'm the evil bitch he thought I was.
I am even talking friendly with his girlfriend. :)
It just feels so good not to have that bitterness anymore.

Now, my parents seem to think that just because him and I are talking on friendly terms that I'm trying to be with him.
Like, where do you even get that idea?! Just because I'm sick of the bitterness, sick of the fighting?!
It's irritating. Can I not have a friendship with the father of my child without getting with him? Yes, I absolutely can.

Speaking of being with someone.
Tonight, I was at the wedding of one of our associate pastors at my church and the daughter of Pastor Gary, and it got me thinking about my wedding some day. I have a lot of plans already started.
But that's getting ahead of myself.
First, I kinda need a man for that wedding I'm thinking about.

And for once, I'm actually waiting on God's time instead of worrying about it. Although, I do feel like it will happen soon, which is a different feeling than a year or so ago.
He will be the perfect guy for me.
He will make me laugh, make me smile, will probably make me cry sometimes. He will love my son like his own. He will be so comfortable with himself that he doesn't care what anybody says about him. He won't be so judgemental, he will love everyone and everything and see the best in anybody.
There are so many things.
And of course, he will be a lover of the most favorite sport ever, HOCKEY. He doesn't necessarily have to be a Red Wings fan.

Someday.

<3

October 9, 2014

So I have to be completely honest.

I am actually almost loving my life right now.
No lie.
Yes, it's super frustrating at times. Like tonight, I was so frustrated with a few things that I just wanted to cry.
But listening to the Red Wings kick Boston in the face just made it all better.

I have absolutely amazing sister friends. I have a great family-- parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts/uncles/cousins, etc. My son is the absolute most wonderful blessing my life! I have a solid full time job. I'm ahead on rent, with my sister's help. Hockey is back!

I like most of my co-workers- all of the managers and most of the associate.

Yeah, there are going to be bad days.

But for once, I don't feel like I need to keep searching for anything.
Sure, I want to get married....but if it's in God's will for me, it will happen and it will happen on His time. But really, I'm actually content.

I've found myself to be happier than I was a year ago. I credit this to acceptance of things I hadn't before, my family and friends, and having just one job instead of 2 or 3.
I actually have some time to myself, yet still have the time to make money, yet still have time to spend with my child. Something that I really never had.


I honestly can't find anything that would be worth it to complain about.
Even on the toughest days...a night cuddling with my child cures all. <3


Did I mention hockey is back?! ;)

September 21, 2014

Change.
I've talked about it. Always said I was going to do it. Never did it. I was honestly just lazy.

Right now, though, I just have to. In some areas. I need to really and truly better myself for my son and I. I need to let go of the things that hold me down...the things that I let hold me down. All my insecurities, thoughts, feelings, decisions. I need to turn each of those around and make them better in every single way.
I know it's not going to take over night. I know it's going to take time.
But why live my life with feelings that I hate and always complain about?
Jealousy, paranoia, fear, anxiety.
I'm not going to let them control me anymore.

I look at pictures of myself and sometimes I think my face and hair are pretty enough...but when I see whole body pictures, I actually want to gag and just say ew.
I really shouldn't feel like that about myself.
I should be able to look at myself and think, damn! Haha.
I should be able to feel and be confident with myself.
But in order to get there, I need to start internally.

What actually make me to want to for real do this?

Church.

Church has done so much for me and I love it. It's a slow process, but I'm getting there.
Church helps a lot and every time I go, it just boosts everything.
The hard thing for me is taking what I learn and hear and actually applying it consistently to my life. Not just one day but every single day.

That's how it works for me.

September 19, 2014

Like I have said before, I am a very jealous woman. Over just almost anything.
I don't really even know why. Like I really don't get how it's so easy for me to get jealous over literally the most stupid thing.
Somebody spends more time with someone else.
Somebody sits and talks with someone else.
Like where does jealousy actually come from? What sparks it?

I'm really curious about this, so I googled it.
In an article on psychologytoday.com, there's a part where it says, "Jealously is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies."
It also goes on to say that it sets a scene where others are happy and "secretly" mocking, while we are left alone to look like a fool.
Reading more into this article, I see this paragraph that just seems to kinda hit it with me.

"Jealousy isn't something we have much control over. In truth, it is a natural, instinctive emotion that everyone experiences at one point or another. The problem with jealousy is that it masks other feelings and attitudes that are even more hurtful to us and those closest to us. Its intensity is often shielding deep-seated feelings of possessiveness, insecurity or shame. I believe that what lies at the heart of jealousy very often isn't the threat itself, but a drive we have within us to torment ourselves and berate ourselves with self-critical thoughts."

I am seriously my own biggest critic. I can and will find fault in every single little thing I do, if asked to point it out. How I look, dress, act, feel, talk, walk, etc. You name it and I will point it out.
Looking back in my life to see maybe where the point of judging myself and being such a critic to myself began...and probably I would have to say, late childhood. About 4th grade.

I was forced to switch schools for what my parents believed to be better education. And really, it was...but when you're young like that, you just think about friends over education. I had a good group of friends and really there wasn't much of "popular" group in my class.
My new school, however. I mean, it was pretty fricken clear and I just wanted to be accepted.
There was a day where it was called Pajama Day...and if any of you that were in my 4th grade class are reading this, you might remember this day.
I took the day seriously...I wore my pajamas to school. Well, you're apparently not supposed to do that on PJ day. It was more "Relax" day. So I was teased. I was the new girl and apparently weird. And I left school that day, broken-hearted. These mean kids. They were nothing like my friends that I had to leave.
I don't know what was told to my class...I don't know what the teacher said, I sure as hell know that the students didn't decide on their own to write apology letters/pictures for me. My teacher called my mom and I came back to school (in regular clothes) to finish the day watching the movie and lounging around.
But I think since then, I'd been labeled as a freak and weirdo and it stuck with me.

Since then, I was always concerned with what people thought of me.

I've never told that story to anyone. The only people that knew were my parents, the teachers, and the 4th grade class there. I had never told any of my friends outside of that class, any of my best friends I have now, or even my siblings.

That was the most embarrassing day of my life. I was just trying to be myself.


Thinking more about it though...I can see where jealously and feeling alone go hand-in-hand.
When I feel alone, physically or emotionally...that's when I feel jealous the most. Honestly, I think that's only when I feel jealous.

This article, it's a really good one. If you are interested, here is the link. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201109/what-drives-jealousy
Well, I don't think the link works, but if you are on a computer, just copy and paste. I like what it has to say, and it makes me feel a little better.

Dealing with jealously and paranoia that comes with it...that's something I'm trying to work on.
Just bear with me. :) 

September 17, 2014

So I gotta say, I don't really have much to complain about right now.

My son is healthy. He did have to have a necessary medical procedure done that I almost postponed but sooo glad that I did not. At the end of July, we got the mole head that was on his back removed. The doctor's office sent it off for a biopsy and some days later, I got a call that there were abnormalities and needed to come back and get the root of the mole and area removed. I didn't fully understand what was going on. I made the appointment and it was for yesterday. I was debating on calling and rescheduled but went in anyways. That's where the doctor told me that part of the mole was showing that cells were dividing and that they were worried it would become malignant and so they wanted to get it before it got that far.
Horrible experience for Kaiden. Right from the numbing part, he was a trainwreck. It broke my heart to watch him go through that and all I could do was hold his hand and talk to him to try and keep his attention off his back.
He is to be out of school yesterday until tomorrow so my whole day off was spent with my little man. His stitches look good, although he's being too active than I would like for him and I have to constantly remind him not to be too much or his stitches will start bleeding.
I mean, you try telling a five year old boy to stop running and playing around.
However, I'm glad to say that he is healthy. That's the first and foremost concern of mine.

Work is going quite well. I am now training for an Associate Management position with Fazoli's. This is such a blessing for me, as it's higher pay, more hours, and allows me to have only one job. I have not had just one job in over 3 years. It feels absolutely amazing and ultimately allows me to spend more time with my son. Something I wish I had when he was younger. This is such a big step in the direction I want to be going in and I have no one more to thank than God Himself. Without Him, I would be no where near this well.

With my sister living with me, she has gone above and beyond what she really had to do to help me get caught back up in bills and rent. I will finally be able to pay rent on time this month...the first in quite a few. Thankfully, my apartments have been patient and worked with me.
If you want money from me, that's the best thing to be. Patient. I pay back first those who understand my situations and are patient with me. This job promotion helps me get my debt behind me and look towards a brighter future.

I'm not in the best place yet, but I will get there. My son and I...we will make it just great.

September 14, 2014

Songs that fit my life right now. 

Jesus, take the wheel. Take it from my hands. Cause I can't do this on my own. I'm letting go. So give me one more chance. - Jesus, Take The Wheel by Carrie Underwood

I watched you die, I heard you cry every night in your sleep. I was so young, you should have known better than to lean on me. You never thought of anyone else, you just saw your pain. And now I cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing. Because of you, I never strayed too far from the sidewalk. Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt. Because of you, I try my hardest just to forget everything. Because of you, I don't know how to let anyone else in. - Because of You by Kelly Clarkson.

When you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you. When you're gone, the face I came to know is missin' too. When you're gone, the words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it okay...I miss you. -When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne.

Okay, to be honest, this started off with one youtube music video, then led to the others.
And now I'm listen to Frozen songs.

It cheers me up, though.

September 10, 2014

It's amazing the amount of people that come into your life, mean so much to you, then turn around and walk out. Like, why even bother?
Because without them...you wouldn't be you.
I've gotten hurt by quite a few "friends" in my life.
One moment, they were your friends for a certain amount of time, then the next, they turn around on you and just act like a completely different person and come out of no where with their crap.
And so you guys say your deuces...but you can't help but think about them.
And it hurts.
One certain friend. He was my best friend (or so I thought) since really like 10th grade. We were walking partners at Graduation. I thought we were going to be lifelong best friends. But then I got pregnant, asked him to be the Godfather, he declined, went to college hours away, and pretty much sent me a long ass message on facebook about how he was faking all that time about being friends.
Like are you fucking kidding me?
Another friend. We worked together, had fun times. But then some shit happened in her life, I don't know. It just happened as quickly. Someone told her lies that I supposedly told them that she trusted me with and I just still can't understand why she would believe THEM and NOT ME? Her facebook is not private and that's pretty much where all the info came from.

I'm not so quick to trust people anymore.
I'm also so quick to assume that people just pretend to be my friends, because of these experiences.
There are only a handful of people that have a two-way friendship with me. A friendship with effort from both people. They know who they are, and I don't know where I would be without them.

Sometimes, I wished I never went to the Middle School when I did.
I was so fucking weird back then.

But if I hadn't gone when I did, I wouldn't know one of the very best, most beautiful, so amazing best friend, the mother of my wonderful niece...Heather. <3

When I think about those old friendships that for some reason, I still wish I had...I think about the ones that I would just absolutely die without and makes me feel better to know that they are the true friends that love me no matter what I had done in my life.

You know who you are. I love you! <3

September 1, 2014

So right at this moment, I have HUGE anxiety built up.

I haven't been on a real school schedule since I was in high school. Five years ago.
Shoot, 6 years ago from tomorrow, I was starting my senior year.
But now, I gotta get on a school schedule because my child is STARTING KINDERGARTEN.

We have to get up at 7:15am now. This isn't like daycare or preschool where he gets breakfast there...now he eats it at home, brushes his teeth, gets ready for school, then we walk to the bus stop.

It's still very much unreal!

I just don't even know.
This may seem so stupid to you, the reader.
Unless you are a parent or a very active aunt or uncle, you won't understand.

My baby is growing up.
Faster than I'd like.
He's getting too big.

I can't deal.

:(

August 29, 2014

Here are some facts about me that I feel are kinda important to know and to understand me:

• I try too hard at times.
• I tend to get ahead of myself and don't always know when or how to pull myself back.
• I get very jealous and it's not hard at all to make me jealous.
• I get annoyed super easily.
• Lack of common sense frustrates me.
• I hate when I feel that my hard work goes unnoticed. 
• I love working, yet I hate it. Probably because I do it all the time without enough time to relax.
• I would much rather be working one full time job with longer shifts and more days off.
• I get paranoid. I always think someone is talking about me when they are whispering around me.
• I don't trust a lot of people.
• If you want to tell a deep secret that you want ABSOLUTELY no one to know...I'm not the best person to tell. It doesn't mean that I can't keep one...but usually it's too much for me not to tell anyone so I have to tell just one person who doesn't know the other very well or at all.
• I miss high school and the friendships I had then.
• Everyday I think about the person who has hurt me the most.
• I just want to be happy, but really am not sure on how to be.
• I'm holding back in my relationship with God and I really don't know why.
• I'm afraid of the future, yet excited for it.
• Sometimes, I just need to have a break down before feeling better. 
• I hate crying. It literally burns my eyes.
• There's only one best friend of mine and that knows me so very well. She is my oldest friend and she's the only one that really and truly fully understands me. And she still loves every bit of me. 
• There's just so much I want in life that I feel like will just never happen to or for me.
• I hate lies and fakeness. I'd very much rather someone just be for real with the brutal truth to me than to fake it and lie.
• I hate when someone thinks I'm stupid. I know when I'm being talked about. Trust me.
• Don't try to pull anything over my eyes...I know more than you think I do. 
• I'm just about completely unsatisfied with my life.
• I need more.

August 25, 2014 (again)

I just wanna throw something out there.

You can't make the world change just because you don't like it. You get what you get. 

Yeah, this world sucks.
That's really no arguement.
But, unfortunately, that's just how it is.
You may want to change the world, and that's great and all. But there are ways that you can do it that are very feasible.

But just saying that you aren't going to work because you don't want to "conform" to this horrible world.
THAT'S just being delusional.
Jobs are very much necessary.
If you want to make a change, work your way up into a position that has the power to make a positive change.

I'm sorry things don't go your way in every single aspect of your life.
No need to throw a hissy fit or just expect things to go your way.
YOU ARE NOT PERFECT, YOU ARE NOT GOD.  You are a human. Living in this world. Whether you like it or not.

The sooner you accept that, the sooner your life will start working out for you.
Stop resisting everything.
It's getting you no where.

There's no need to have to repeat this over and over.
But some people just don't get it.

August 25, 2014

So I noticed tonight that I like to say that I have a five year old. Like, a lot.

A kid acts out at one of my jobs, parents apologize, I just smile and nod because I get it. Then I say, "I have a five year old." Then the parents smile back because they know I understand how it is.

I walked into the bathroom tonight at work and right away got a view of a baby's bottom on the changing table and it surprised me because I didn't expect anyone in there and I kind of let out a noise and his mother apologized quickly and said she was almost done.
No, ma'am. Please don't rush the job because I walk in. I understand completely how it is.
"I have a five year old."

My five year old. He starts kindergarten a week from tomorrow (which at this point in time is actually Tuesday.) I was saying at work tonight that I would probably cry. I will watch him get on the bus, cry, go work, cry, and get home in time for him to get off the bus. Then cry happy tears that he's home and ask how his first day of kindergarten went.

I'm not even ready for this.
I'm not ready for my one and only baby to start Kindergarten.
Even now, just thinking about it, I'm shaking my head.
It's so unreal.
It's hard for me to completely wrap my mind around. Like it gets half way and just stops.
Sure, I've sent him off to preschool all last school year. He's gone to daycare all day everyday for the past couple of years. I should be used to this, or at least expect to handle it greatly.
But, this is KINDERGARTEN! It's actually elementary school.
My child is in elementary school.

18 years ago, I was in his shoes.
I don't really remember a lot about my Kindergarten years. Well, all 1 1/4 years. Long story.

Every time I look at him, I am just amazed. He has grown to be such a wonderful boy. Sure, he has his moments. Everyone does.
But this is my child.
The absolute most important person in my life.
How did he get this big, this smart, this silly?
Where did the time go?!

I have a five year old. Five.

August 23, 2014 (Cussing is in this post, so if you don't like it, I suggest not reading it.)

So I'm going to get one thing straight right now.

I am NOT somebody that is to be walked all over.
I am not somebody that is going to talked to in a certain way but not allowed to talk back in the same manner.

Apparently, people in my life think that I'm just supposed to take being verbally put down in ways. Talked down to. Treated like a kid.

Fuck you.

I'm an adult.
And yeah, I have those days where I'm going to get upset about something that is actually very important to myself, but of so little importance to someone else.

I can't vent to anybody about anything anymore without SOMEONE getting upset. When really, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with the person I vent out to.

Like there are many times that I just want to LEAVE. Go somewhere else where I don't know a fucking soul and just start over.

Yeah, I used to be that girl five years ago who didn't want to upset people so just went along with what they said or did. I let my son's father and an ex of mine treat me like crap, mentally and verbally abuse me, treat me like a child, and talk down to me...just so they wouldn't leave or get upset with me.

I still don't like making certain people upset, so people still take advantage of it.

So many people still treat me like a child.
Or I feel like I'm treated like a child.
Or maybe I just feel like a fucking child and I fucking hate it.
I'm a fucking mother of a child, not a child myself.

I have some attributes that are childlike in some ways I guess.
I feel like some of that is because I was forced to grow up faster than I should have.

I feel a lot of different ways.
But who just really cares?
Nobody acts like they care.
Some say it, but when it comes time that I need them to care, they just don't.

Like I just don't understand.
I don't understand my life.
I don't understand myself.
I just don't understand.

I hate it.
I hate crying.
But that's all I do anymore.

I'm too damn sensitive for my good.
I wish I could just not feelings except for love for my child. That's it.
I don't want these feelings.

August 21, 2014

It is 5 in the morning on my day off and I'm wide awake.

I woke up to my baby having laid his head on my chest and laying sprawled out sideways on the bed, my arm around him and hand laying on his stomach and his hand holding mine. It was so cute and I didn't want to move.

But the thing that woke me up in the first place made me move. I felt like I was going to throw up.
I know the cause of it.
Cramps. Major cramps. :(

So blindly I got up and was hoping that was able to get some relief...but no. Unfortunately, I have no idea where the bag of tums that my sister has are, and I was not about to wake her up this early to ask for them.

So, hopefully ibuprofen kicks in and I'm able to maybe take a nap today. Although, I really shouldn't because I work technically tomorrow and I know I probably wouldn't be able to sleep.


So. Moving on.

Yesterday was a lot of fun. It was the first day of two that I would have off in a row from work and I was just plain excited.
I dropped Syd off at work after she got the phone call about her second job.
I had decided to keep Kaiden home from daycare yesterday to spend the whole day with me because he doesn't get those very often. We hung out with Steph for about an hour and half, then took her to work.
I got a call from my dad who asked if I still wanted to drive to Coke like I told him I would a few days ago. So I got to drive his white old truck that I hadn't drove since that time five years ago when I still had my permit and drove through rush hour traffic in Chicago. I was to bring an extremely heavy forklift battery from a warehouse he deals with to the Coke factory in Paw Paw. That's about an hourish trip on the highway. Well, the guy who put the battery in the trunk put it at the edge of the trunk, like an inch from the tailgate. That freaked me out. I was so scared I was going to have to slam on the brakes anytime and have that battery move more than an inch and bust through the tailgate into another car and just create a huge mess. So I was that annoying truck going 55-60 on the highway. I kept saying prayers to God to just let me get to the factory with no problems. And He did. Thank goodness. I was so happy to get that battery off the truck.
So then I drop the battery off, but had to go down the street and pick up an attachment from another place of business that my dad deals with. There, I had to talk to a very rude lady who was giving me a huge attitude it seemed, just for asking her if I could talk to the guy that my dad told me to talk to.
"He's VERY busy at the moment."
Well, so am I.
But thankfully it wasn't more than a few minutes before I was able to talk to him and get the attachment and get on my way. That thing weighed A LOT less than the battery and I made sure the guy put it as far back as he could! I was not about to have another drive back where I am gripping the wheel and being so nervous. I like to drive while being relaxed. My only issue with it was that it was blocking my view out the back windows, but I am used to that from driving his work vans that have no windows in the back anyways.
So I get back to the shop where I had left my car with just starting to grind brakes. I came back to brand new brakes in the front, but my tires were found to be really bad in the back. I just had new tires put in the front in February. So all I am thinking is, "$$$$$$$." But, I have a very wonderful father and uncle, who I am extremely grateful for.
I get back home and pick up Sydney, we do a little needed cleaning, then we went over to my parents to swim. I wanna say that we spent about an hour or two in the pool. It started off with just my son, Syd, brother, and I. Then, my mom came out for a bit...although before that she was claiming how COLD the water was. At 86*. Really, Mom?
She got out shortly, but a little bit after that, Gabby came in. Then my dad got home and came in the pool where we played Chicken in teams of Syd and I vs. Gabby and Dad. Syd and I won. :)
Then we played Marco Polo.
It was a lot of fun.
After getting out, we dried off and my dad went to go pick up pizza and Syd, Max, Gabby, and I sat at the dining room table and played Trashcan with a deck of cards. Max won. Dad sat down during the game to watch. Afterwards, we all played Go Fish, including Dad.
And honestly, it was just a great day. :) Very fun family bonding time.

Have I ever said just how good it is to have Sydney home again. :) <3

Speaking of, Syd and I have to seriously consider where we are going to live in December. My lease is up then, but they are wanting $30 more on the new lease contract. It's starting to get a little too expensive for me. Now, I realize I have cheaper rent for a 2 bed room now than I would find around here...but as my rent is getting higher, the space I pay rent for is not getting larger.
I would rather pay more rent elsewhere for more space. My dollar per square footage. That's what I'm looking at now. So we have a few months, but need to start looking now.

Well, that's all I've got to say for now.
My stomach is feeling a little bit better, but I don't know if I can get to sleep now.

August 18, 2014

I haven't really told many people, but I want more kids.

Before anybody starts to question, no I'm not pregnant. And really, I don't know if I want to go through the whole labor deal again...not after the labor I had with Kaiden.

But one day, I would absolutely love to adopt.
There are so many kids that need loving homes and I would love to be one of those.

I had a dream last night that I adopted this newborn baby girl. I loved her. Oh how I wish it wasn't a dream.

My baby wants to be a big brother so bad.
I get jealous that people I know get to have 2 or 3 kids and seems to take it for granted.

I just wish it would all work out.
It may...


Who really knows though?

Some people have dreams that don't come true.

August 17, 2014

Maybe writing this post at midnight with a sleeping pill starting to kick in, but there were quite a few things on my mind today.

- Respect. Is that really hard to do nowadays? Yes, I tend to have an attitude at times. Am I always right with the attitude? No, not always. But it happens and I am aware that it is something I need to work on. But if you are one that is demanding respect from others when you treat them like literal shit...you're absolutely not going to get any respect at all. The most sincere and best respect you can get from someone is when you give the same back. It's really not that difficult at all. My instance is when I'm at work and a manager gets the shittiest attitude and starts snapping at something that I may or may not have done...the best way to tell me that I screwed up in something is to tell me with a level tone. Don't belittle me, you absolutely will get an attitude. That is an instant set off for me. I have absolutely no problem with being corrected because I want to do my best and if I'm not doing it right, I would love to know...but there is a way to go about it. Do it calmly and make me feel like a person. You don't have to yell at me to get your point across. I am pretty sure that I am not the only person that feels this way...that the best way to be corrected to have it done in a civil manner. There is a time, a place, and a tone to being corrected.

It's seemingly rare nowadays to find people that just respect another person's property, area, feelings, thoughts, what have you. These stories about murders and burglaries. I know these have been around for many, many years...but dang. It seems like every other story in the news is about this murder or that murder. I don't understand why. What makes someone just want to take another person's life?! Sure, I have people that I get incredibly mad at and think that my life would be better without them in it...but it's not all about me. They have a life, family, friends. Why don't killers understand or realize? Hearing about that 9 year old who got stabbed while just playing at his neighborhood's playground just makes me scared to let my son walk out my front door without me. When I was his age, shit like that wasn't very common.

I think back to when I was younger and would just go riding my bike around my neighborhood and down a few streets and across the busy street and down some more streets to my cousins' houses and it really wasn't a big deal. Like I spent a lot of time outside and away from my parents, just playing and being a kid. I didn't get murdered or hurt or snatched. But again, I'm afraid to let my son go five feet away from me. He's five and I still make him hold my hand or walk right in front of me in public. I didn't have to do that when I was five. But then again, that was 18 years ago. Things were way different back then. The 90's were incredible years.

-Sportscars. Yeah, they look cool and all that, but when you gun your engine and take off like you are in a race or something, or drive at night without your lights on....you just look dumb. I don't understand what the meaning of having to do that was? What satisfaction did you get out of maybe ruining parts of your car? Showing off? You're not that cool.

-Work. I do understand that in my lifetime, I will have to work jobs that I hate. What pays the bills, right? But damn. I hate being bored. I thought it was going to be amazing to work at a place that sells sports apparel and other really cool things, but when the business is not there or you're being forced to talk to customers that you either have already talked to and they just want to get about their business or shopping or just downright don't want to talk to you...it gets really annoying. I'm one of those shoppers that really don't want the workers talking to me. I didn't come into a store to talk to you. I came here to shop. I totally get having that customer connection and getting to know them and whatnot, but being pressured and pushed and forced to do it when, again, half the time it's unwanted...that's annoying.

Then when you're working your butt off while your managers are just standing around and talking to each other about everything but work, it starts pissing me off. Especially when there are things that actually need to be done. What, that's all supposed to be on me? What are you getting paid to do, talk?! If you wanna talk about your weekend, fine....but please either do it while you are doing some work, or don't start bitching at me for not doing any work when you aren't and could be.

I also found out that I don't really have good days when I have to work on a Saturday. Maybe because it's a day that my son can't go to daycare so I feel like I want to stay at home with him too. But that's not how it is with my life. I need my jobs, so I have to work what I am given.


-My son. Today while I was working and looking through the cute clothes at work, I was thinking about how big my son is getting, how grown he is getting. He's five now, like I've said before...but seeing like the toddler clothes, then realizing my son doesn't fit those sizes anymore and that I actually have to shop in the boys section instead of the kids section. That made me sad. Then I just started to wonder what he will be like when he's 8, 10, 12, 14, 16, 18....what's he going to be into? What's the world going to be like for him then? What's he going to look like? Will he be great in school? What ambitions, goal, dreams will he have?

I make it a point now to let him know that he can be anything he wants to be when he's older. The sky is the limits for him. Whatever he chooses to do with his life...I will be right there with him. Every step of the way. Nothing will come between me and my child. Nothing, absolutely NOTHING he could do would tear us a part. He will have me...I will be his biggest fan, cheerleader.

That's pretty much everything that has ran through my mind today...and I'm getting really tired. Sooo. Goodnight..

And you, person reading this at 12:40ish am....I hope you get some sleep as soon as possible!

August 11, 2014

First off, RIP Robin Williams. Such a character, such a comedian. He brought much laughter into the world. 



I realize that I try to hard to maybe impress people? I was told before that I was laid back...I just laughed. I feel everything but laid back. I freak out about things that are out of my control. Maybe I seem chill on the outside, but on the inside I'm just a complete mess.
Sometimes that mess gets out and I look like a spaz case.

Sometimes, I don't know how I handle it all. Working and parenting.
Half the time, I just feel like crying.

I do it because I have no choice.
I don't have any other options.
That's how it is and I just force myself through it.

But. If you ever see me and I'm less than perfect, if I'm less than the best, if I'm not myself...
Just remember, put yourself in my shoes for a week and tell me how you feel at the end.

August 3, 2014

I feel like my emotions are everywhere.
Last time, I thought it was because I was supposed to be getting my monthly and it turned out to be right...but this time. It's not.

I honestly hadn't thought much about it until just a few minutes ago...but maybe I'm freaking out because there just has been absolutely so many changes in the past two months that I just don't know how to feel.

I was used to having the same two jobs.
Then throw in the third job  at the end of 2013. Then get used to how things go for the next 6 months.

Then quit the two jobs after working them for three years....them being all you knew for so long.
Quit one of the jobs first, going back to two jobs. A week or so later, get a new job so back up to three. Then a month and half later, quit the second job of the three years, so back to two jobs. Then a couple of weeks later get a new job, going BACK up to three. Then quitting the one you got at the end of last year a couple of weeks later. So now working at two jobs that you are still learning when you are so used to knowing everything about how your job goes.

Then throw in learning something about your sister and her moving back after living away from her for two years. Not to mention that she's living with you and getting that bond back. Which is great...but still a change. It's not just my son and I at home anymore.

I have never had this much change in a short period of time.
And I am freaking out.
I'm used to controlling things in my life.
But this.

I think I'm losing it.
I need some steadiness at this point.


Help. God, please help calm this storm in me.
Give me a solid rock to stand on until I can catch my breath.

July 28, 2014

To be quite frankly honest, I have absolutely no idea what's going on with me right now.
Yeah, I'm trying to figure out who I am. Yeah, I have an idea of who I am. Yeah, I get confused about who I am supposed to be.

There is so much that I wanna do, so much that I wanna be, so much expected of me.
I am still trying to figure out what I expect of myself.

Seriously guys, don't mess up college. Because when you finally figure out what you wanna do for sure and how to there...you're gunna be screwed. You're going to wish you took college more seriously. You're gunna wish that you tried harder.
And I mean, that's only if college is the only way to get to where you wanna be.
College isn't made for every job or career.
College isn't made for everyone.
However, in my case, I messed up college and that's what I need to get into the job that I want.

And I gotta learn to let go of things.
I have to let go of some control. Of some pride. Of some expectations.
Right now, I feel like I'm spiraling. The room is spinning and I can't make it stop.
I mean, not seriously literally.
But my point.
Is that I feel so out of control of my life at this point in time.
I feel stuck.
I have to go backwards right now. I feel like all the progression I thought I was making was for nothing. No point to any of it. A waste of my time.

The only solid thing in my life, the only thing that makes sense to me, is my wonderful child.
My amazing baby boy.
He is Mama's rock in a raging storm.
I don't let him see. Very much.
When I do break, he knows the right things to say to heal my heart.
My precious. Bless his own heart.
I have never been so blessed in my life. Being his mother...
Raising him to be the best he can be.
I'm trying.
I'm really trying.

July 24, 2014

So I've been reminded once again that my blog is getting boring again. Hahah.
Well, not too much as been up with me. Sorta.
I started working at Rally House. So far, it's actually kinda boring because it's a brand new store and not many people know about us yet. I hope the hours start picking up because I need that money. So between working there and Fazoli's, it's keeping me busy.

Although, I did have 3 full days off to get stuff done...the only thing I got done was all my laundry.

I'm supposed to be getting my apartment into shape because my younger sister is coming to live with me!! :) I'm so excited.

She's the one that is married and living in Florida right now.
So that, again, is very exciting and I'm just so happy to be able to spend time with her again!

As weird as it seems, the past few days I have been thinking a lot about myself and what I want.
As much as I would love to be with a guy from church...I just don't think I can.
I can't live up to the kinds of expectations that would be put onto me.

I am me. I can be loud, obnoxious, annoying, I curse, I drink once in a while. I'm not perfect. I love my friends. I want somebody that's almost like me. In that, I mean like he's just not afraid to be himself. While, I still am holding myself back a bit...I'm getting to the point where I just don't care.
Right now, I feel so much closer to finding him than I used to be. Weird as it sounds.
I just feel like, now that I know what kind of guy I want, what kind of person I am...the fact that I don't want to have to change for someone...I want someone who loves me for me.

I'm not skinny. I'm not the tidiest person. I live in a mess about 75% of the time. My car...about 90%. It's who I am. Part of me wants to change, but to change because I want to. Not because someone wants me to.

Sooooo.
Those are the things that have been running through my mind the past few days.
I have to get back to cleaning now!

July 13, 2014

I cried like a baby.

She was so beautiful. So stunning. So gorgeous.
I couldn't believe that was my cousin Jessie.

Family love.
It's the best.
No matter how much you fight or grow apart.
You still love them.
Cousins are the best.
They are your first friends.

I fortunate enough to grow up in the same part of the city as my cousins. Just a short bike ride away.
I wouldn't trade a single memory for anything in the world.
I want to hold on to those times.
Sometimes, I wish we could just go back and re-live.
Back to simpler times, with no jobs, no bills, no kids...care free life.

Though we can't do that...we should always try to hold onto our memories.
I share DNA with some amazing people, no matter what life throws at each and every one of them.
I love them to no end and will forever.

It was just so good to see family that I don't get to see very much.
I wouldn't have missed Jessica's wedding for anything in the world.

I love you, Jessica and Matt. Matt, take care of her. There's only one person like her.
I wish everlasting love, happiness, and joy in your marriage.
Good luck to everything you two encounter in your future!
<3

July 12, 2014

Okay, so I know that the day has barely started and that just put a post up a couple of hours ago.
But this one is important to me.

The 90's. My childhood.
They mean sooo much to me.
I wouldn't change a single thing.
Not one little thing.
I loved it.
The 90's just rocked.
The best music. The best TV shows.
Maybe not the best clothes, haha.

What sparked all of this memory trip to my childhood...
One of the closest cousins I had growing up is getting today.
And I just think to myself...where did the time go?!
Seems like just a little bit ago that Jessica and I were spending time with our grandparents. We were probably about Kaiden's age...maybe a little bit older. There was this time we were staying the night and went to a nearby park and fed the ducks. I think one of us was scared to feed them...not sure for certain. I mean, that was almost 20 years ago. (Typing the sentence just made me just shake my head in disbelief that we are getting so old.) That night, we slept in our grandparents' living room. I remember white and a huge grandfather clock.

Jessica used to wear her hair in pigtails.
I wore my hair in a ponytail.
She's the closest cousin I have to my age.

Then as we got older, two of our cousins, her, and I used to make up dances to Spice Girls.

There is just so much.

I regret that we grew apart during our teen years and young adult life.

Even if we aren't close anymore...I can't wait to see her and family on her amazing day.

She will look so beautiful. :)

I love you, Jessie! <3

July 11, 2014

#VentPost

Being still new at Fazoli's, I am certainly no master at drive-thru.
But I mean honestly...it's not hard to provide great customer service at the window.

Last night and tonight when I went through the Wendy's across the street from where I live, I had very poor customer service.
Tonight, I didn't stay. She was rude from the get-go and I didn't appreciate it one bit so I left and went to McDonald's instead. Honestly, I was just getting drinks for my son and I. We were thirsty and had nothing in my house to drink except tap water and that's just gross.

When working drive-thru:
-Welcome them to or thank them for choosing your restaurant. I say, "Thank you for choosing Fazoli's, what can I get for ya?"
-When they are done placing their order, repeat the order back to them to make sure you got their order the exact way they wanted. If all is okay, tell them their total. I say, "So that's one baked spaghetti combo with a side salad with ranch dressing, a small coke. That will come with two breadsticks, does that sound correct to you? (wait for reply) That will be $10.71 (or something) at the window. (In an upbeat tone of voice)
-If they are paying with a credit/debit card, ask if they want their receipt.
-Hand them their order as promptly and careful as you can.
-Be courteous and tell them to have a good day.

Like I said, I'm certainly not a master at it. I stumble with my words at times, I'm not always completely knowledgable about everything on our menu, and I still need help at times.
But I do make sure that I provide the best customer service that I can.

So now, my expectations for all the drive-thrus I go through are very much heightened.
Most customers love when you provide excellent customer service.
If you can't wait on me with a smile, maybe you should think about a different line of work.
Don't make it obvious that you hate your job.

#VentOver

July 8, 2014

It's that time again where I get jealous of all the couples out there.
I mean, I know not all relationships are all fun and games...but I can't help but be jealous when I have no one like that.

Before you all start...I know I'm not "alone."
I know I have Kaiden.
I'm sick of hearing that over and over.
"You aren't alone. You have Kaiden. You don't need a man."

For one, Kaiden is my son. The love of a child is the best but it doesn't cover everything. Seriously think about that.
For two, just because I'm a mother without the father of my child means that I don't deserve anyone? Really?
For three, I know I don't need a man. I want one. I want my soul mate. I want to be loved romantically...I want to mean something to someone like that.

Hey, I'm human.
Just because I am supermom sometimes doesn't mean I don't want someone.

It's the season for marriages and babies and fun relationships.

Where's my forever?

How much can I really take?

When will I finally have what I feel is missing in Kaiden's and mine lives?

July 7, 2014

Soooo.

Last night, here in West Michigan, there was an EF-1 tornado.
Tornadoes are not common for Michigan, so I'm sure that most people forgot what to do in the case of a tornado. I mean, I'm seeing people complaining right and left on Facebook about how there were no sirens.

Hmm.

Do you really need a siren to tell you, "Hey...this weather is a little whack?"
I mean, come on. This is Michigan. Michigan weather is always so unpredictable and ever-changing.
When there is a severe thunderstorm...there is always the chance of tornadoes. Just because it is not common for Michigan to have a tornado doesn't mean it can't happen.

Be alert in a severe thunderstorm.
Watch for the signs.
If it doesn't sound or look right outside, chances are that it's not.

I mean, common sense.
Don't depend on technology all the time! Use your brains once in a while! It's honestly really not that hard.

#VentOver

July 5, 2014

I hope everybody enjoyed their 4th of July!

I had a pretty good day for the most part.
In the morning, my family and I walked in the parade with our church. My dad was the one that pulled the float with the band, my mom rode with him, my son rode his bike, and my sister, brother, and I threw the candy. It was a lot of fun, but a long walk during the parade then back to my parents house which was near where the parade started.
So my legs hurt so bad yesterday and today.
After the parade, my siblings, son, and I went swimming for a bit and my son got to show off his awesome swimming skills! I was so amazed at what just one week of swimming lessons did for him. He can go under water and swim, do cannonballs and swim right back to the ladder, and he doesn't even need to plug his nose like I have to! Haha.
When we were done with swimming, we had lunch and watched Ghost Adventures.
Kaiden took a nap, then later on I ended up taking a nap until my dad woke me up to go get my grandpa.

It was a pretty fun day for us.
However, on the way to bring my grandpa back home, we saw what was a fatal accident. A major intersection was blocked off. When we got back into town after dropping him off, we had to pass the accident and it was just terrible! Car debris everywhere and a motorcycle with a white sheet over it. That's never a good sign.

I just really don't understand why people can not be careful while driving or riding a motorcycle! There's not much information on it, since news outlets around were too busy talking about fireworks going on all around. Still not much information on it this morning except that the motorcyclist was 22 and a pick-up truck collided with it. The motorcyclist was, in fact, pronounced dead at the scene and no alcohol has been indicated to be a factor.

Honestly. Again, people, BE CAREFUL WHEN DRIVING!

July 2, 2014

I wasn't planning on posting today, but I feel the need to express my feelings and opinions about something.

Be careful when driving!! Honestly, it really isn't that hard to drive safely.
I used to be a speed demon, going no less than ten over the speed limit.
I admit, if it wasn't for the condition my car is in, I still may. But I have slowed down on my driving and glad I did.

Today, one of my best friends was walking to work like she normally does. She waited until she had the right of way and the light to cross at the intersection, but when she did, a driver decided they needed to turn and rode her butt as she walked. When there was enough room for the car to continue on, the driver got the lead out.
THANKFULLY there was a sheriff that saw the whole thing and pulled that person over.

If a pedestrian has the right of way, let that person go!
Yeah, you may get impatient and mutter to yourself for that person to hurry up so that you can go...and I am guilty of feeling that way from time to time, but there is no place that you need to get to so fast that you can't wait just 30 seconds. It's better to wait 30 seconds or a minute or however long it takes for that person to cross than to hit that person and injure or kill them. I guarantee you it would cost more than just one minute of your time. It would cost you many minutes, much money in fines, and possibly jail time.

Also what happened today that made me really want to write this post was a fatal accident in front of my work.

I was on my way to my first delivery when I got stuck in a line of cars that couldn't get out because the accident was right in front of the drive. It took a bit, but when I was finally able to get on the road, I seen an older gentlemen on the road and they were giving him CPR. He had been a motorized wheelchair. I knew it couldn't be good if they were doing CPR.
When I got back from my delivery, I seen the ambulance just sitting in the parking lot with the lights off and the road (which is a major busy main street) taped off. I was able to get into the parking lot and into the store. One of my co-workers went to go find out what had happened and when he came back in, his face was grim.
A man in a big black truck was turning and hadn't seen the man and ran him completely over.
The man did stop at the scene, he didn't even try to leave, and he cooperated with the authorities. Eventually he did have to leave in a cop car, but they brought him back later on in the night.

This older gentleman. He was trying to cross a very busy street at rush hour without being at a crosswalk. I'm not blaming the old man at all...but he wasn't very smart in his choice of area to cross. Especially when there was a light and crosswalk just a block or so down, if that. He could have crossed in a safer manner there. I remember seeing him many times and from my experience with him, I have almost hit him on a few occasions and so has another co-worker of mine. He doesn't look before crossing when he doesn't have the right of way.

The guy in the truck. He should have double checked before turning. He should have been aware of all of his surroundings before continuing on. Just because there is no crosswalk there doesn't mean some pedestrians won't try to cross, just like the old gentleman tried.

I feel bad for both parties.
I don't like hearing about deaths, especially when they could have been avoided.
My prayers and thoughts are with the gentleman's family.
But my prayers and thoughts are with the man in the truck, as well.
I'm quite sure he did not intend to kill anybody today.
I can't imagine how anybody involved feels.

So the main focus of this post:

Pay attention to your surroundings while driving! 

That is something I even need help with doing, as I tend to become unfocused one way or another at times.

July 1, 2014

Hey, it's JULY!
I'm kind of excited but also not really.
July is one of my favorite months.
There's July 4th, my grandma's birthday, and the middle of summer!
The middle of the summer months can be a bad thing, too. It means the summer is going by too fast.
:(

It also means closer to one of my best friend's moving across country.
Closer to my son being in KINDERGARTEN.
Those things I am just not ready to accept yet.

Today was sad at work.
It was the last time I would be working with one of the best managers I have had. He's one of my favorites and definitely going to be missed around Fazoli's. However, he is off to a big boy job and doing what is best for his life, so I really can't blame him too much.

Here is a picture of the morning crew for today, minus Karen.

 

 

I am the one in the green shirt.

It can be fun there sometimes. :)

 

I'm really nervous about tomorrow.

I don't want to really say exactly why yet. I don't want to "jinx" anything, haha. Only a few people know right now. But I promise I will post more about it when it is all said and done. :)

 

 

Well, other than above, I don't really have much to say. It's been pretty uneventful for the most part.

Hope everyone has a good night. :)

June 24, 2014

So today I was reminded that I haven't done a blog post in a while.
;)

I agreed so here I am, updating!

As of this past Saturday, I am officially done with the gas station job. It was a pretty good day. I worked with one of my favorite co-workers and didn't have very rude customers. My manager had even came by and brought me a gift bag full of little goodies. After 3 years of working for her, she tends to know me well. :)
Handing her my keys and walking out of there that day just felt so weird. It was very much needed.
I will miss my co-workers and I will miss my regular customers that I got to know very well.
This is for the best though.

It still hasn't fully hit. It will, but maybe not this week or next week...maybe after that.

Today was a great day.
Work just went pretty good. To avoid sounding cheesy, it felt unified with my co-workers. Not that it made that sentence sound any better. But it felt great there. I learned something new today. DRIVE THRU!

Even with the little part where it was crazy busy and I couldn't keep my head on, I like it.
I want to learn everything there. I don't like not knowing how to do something.
I'm used to knowing how to do everything.

That's just part of who I am.

After work, Steph and I went to do some errands, pick up my child, grabbed dinner, then watched a couple of our favorite TV shows that she already saw but I didn't.
She doesn't spoil any endings for me, no matter how much I bug her about them. ;)

So that's pretty much it for my day. Besides having the last day at the gas station, not much exciting has happened.

Well, this is it for tonight. I have a headache that is hurting more than it should and a child who won't calm down. =\

Goodnight!