July 28, 2014

To be quite frankly honest, I have absolutely no idea what's going on with me right now.
Yeah, I'm trying to figure out who I am. Yeah, I have an idea of who I am. Yeah, I get confused about who I am supposed to be.

There is so much that I wanna do, so much that I wanna be, so much expected of me.
I am still trying to figure out what I expect of myself.

Seriously guys, don't mess up college. Because when you finally figure out what you wanna do for sure and how to there...you're gunna be screwed. You're going to wish you took college more seriously. You're gunna wish that you tried harder.
And I mean, that's only if college is the only way to get to where you wanna be.
College isn't made for every job or career.
College isn't made for everyone.
However, in my case, I messed up college and that's what I need to get into the job that I want.

And I gotta learn to let go of things.
I have to let go of some control. Of some pride. Of some expectations.
Right now, I feel like I'm spiraling. The room is spinning and I can't make it stop.
I mean, not seriously literally.
But my point.
Is that I feel so out of control of my life at this point in time.
I feel stuck.
I have to go backwards right now. I feel like all the progression I thought I was making was for nothing. No point to any of it. A waste of my time.

The only solid thing in my life, the only thing that makes sense to me, is my wonderful child.
My amazing baby boy.
He is Mama's rock in a raging storm.
I don't let him see. Very much.
When I do break, he knows the right things to say to heal my heart.
My precious. Bless his own heart.
I have never been so blessed in my life. Being his mother...
Raising him to be the best he can be.
I'm trying.
I'm really trying.