Like I have said before, I am a very jealous woman. Over just almost anything.
I don't really even know why. Like I really don't get how it's so easy for me to get jealous over literally the most stupid thing.
Somebody spends more time with someone else.
Somebody sits and talks with someone else.
Like where does jealousy actually come from? What sparks it?
I'm really curious about this, so I googled it.
In an article on psychologytoday.com, there's a part where it says, "Jealously is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies."
It also goes on to say that it sets a scene where others are happy and "secretly" mocking, while we are left alone to look like a fool.
Reading more into this article, I see this paragraph that just seems to kinda hit it with me.
"Jealousy isn't something we have much control over. In truth, it is a
natural, instinctive emotion that everyone experiences at one point or
another. The problem with jealousy is that it masks other feelings and
attitudes that are even more hurtful to us and those closest to us. Its
intensity is often shielding deep-seated feelings of possessiveness,
insecurity or shame.
I believe that what lies at the heart of jealousy very often isn't the
threat itself, but a drive we have within us to torment ourselves and
berate ourselves with self-critical thoughts."
I am seriously my own biggest critic. I can and will find fault in every single little thing I do, if asked to point it out. How I look, dress, act, feel, talk, walk, etc. You name it and I will point it out.
Looking back in my life to see maybe where the point of judging myself and being such a critic to myself began...and probably I would have to say, late childhood. About 4th grade.
I was forced to switch schools for what my parents believed to be better education. And really, it was...but when you're young like that, you just think about friends over education. I had a good group of friends and really there wasn't much of "popular" group in my class.
My new school, however. I mean, it was pretty fricken clear and I just wanted to be accepted.
There was a day where it was called Pajama Day...and if any of you that were in my 4th grade class are reading this, you might remember this day.
I took the day seriously...I wore my pajamas to school. Well, you're apparently not supposed to do that on PJ day. It was more "Relax" day. So I was teased. I was the new girl and apparently weird. And I left school that day, broken-hearted. These mean kids. They were nothing like my friends that I had to leave.
I don't know what was told to my class...I don't know what the teacher said, I sure as hell know that the students didn't decide on their own to write apology letters/pictures for me. My teacher called my mom and I came back to school (in regular clothes) to finish the day watching the movie and lounging around.
But I think since then, I'd been labeled as a freak and weirdo and it stuck with me.
Since then, I was always concerned with what people thought of me.
I've never told that story to anyone. The only people that knew were my parents, the teachers, and the 4th grade class there. I had never told any of my friends outside of that class, any of my best friends I have now, or even my siblings.
That was the most embarrassing day of my life. I was just trying to be myself.
Thinking more about it though...I can see where jealously and feeling alone go hand-in-hand.
When I feel alone, physically or emotionally...that's when I feel jealous the most. Honestly, I think that's only when I feel jealous.
This article, it's a really good one. If you are interested, here is the link. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201109/what-drives-jealousy
Well, I don't think the link works, but if you are on a computer, just copy and paste. I like what it has to say, and it makes me feel a little better.
Dealing with jealously and paranoia that comes with it...that's something I'm trying to work on.
Just bear with me. :)
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