December 15, 2014

I feel like something is missing in my life.
Don't get me wrong, I've been the happiest with my life since I can last remember.
I have a full time job with good pay that I actually love.
My son is the healthiest he has been after the procedures he had done this year (tonsillectomy, adenoidectomy, and a pre-cancerous mole removed).
My financial situation is slowly, but surely, getting better.
I have the most wonderful best friends who I have had friendships with for years.
I also have quite a few new friendships that are growing every day.

Despite all of this...I still feel that something is missing.
And it's very obvious.
My partner is missing.
My son's father figure.
My soulmate.

This year, I've seen so many people on facebook get engaged or married. So many people from my graduating class, and 3 weddings in the span of a couple of months from church between very wonderful people.

As happy as I am for all...I can't help but wonder:
When is my time?

I don't want to rush God's plans for me.
Even if I could...there is no possible way.
But then I wonder, what really are his plans for me?
What if his plans don't include me actually knowing what love really is between two soulmates.

This is certainly not the first time I have expressed this concern.
And I always receive the dreaded and VERY annoying: But you have Kaiden.

Yes. I do have my son.
And his love is the most wonderful and precious thing I could ask for.
But he is my son. Not my soulmate. Those are two very different types of love. Why am I not allowed to have both?
What is so special (or not special) about me that I can't experience that type of love?

Sure, I've had boyfriends in the past.
Have I ever loved any of them?
I thought I had at the time.
Was it real love?
No. It was lust.

I've never had a boyfriend through any holiday or even my birthday.
Okay, actually that's a lie.
I had one boyfriend through July 4th...

I've never had a guy make me feel so special. I've never been spoiled. And by spoiled, I don't mean materialistically. I mean, emotionally. I've never had a guy actually care for me and my well-being.
I've never had any guy that actually wanted to be there for me or be with me.

I know I don't need a guy.
I'm supposedly a strong, single mom that doesn't need a man.
Okay.
That doesn't mean that I don't want one.
Then I get told that I have unrealistic standards.
Since when are having a job and a car unrealistic standards?
If a guy doesn't have a car, that's not the end of the world, but I'm not a damn taxi cab. I shouldn't always have to drive to see someone. Maybe I'd actually want to stay in and have them come to me. If they can find their own transportation half the time, that's not a problem.
I'm also not someone's ATM.
I work hard for my money and unless I'm married, I don't have the obligation to support anyone except myself and my son. 

Sure, I have my idea of how I want him to be and look.
My absolute dream guy is probably non-existant.
Or if he is, I guarantee you that he would never want to be with someone that is me.

I wish some people would actually consider how I feel about this.
I wish some people would just shut up and not say I don't need a man.

So I'm supposed to go through life feeling so alone?
What happens after my son graduates and moves out?
And it's just me at home.
My friends would all have their own families at home.
And I would be alone with no one.

Think about that for a second.
Before just throwing any consideration for my feelings out the window and opening your mouth and telling me how I should feel about this subject.