The feels.

Hey all!
So after trying this church out yesterday, I LOVE IT!
Yesterday's service actually hit pretty close to home, not only to me but also to my father. If anyone reading this knows the story between my father and my brother-in-law...it's no secret that my dad does not really like him. But there things during yesterday's sermon that stuck to both of us about thoughts about others and how Jesus really cares more about the origin and thoughts from the heart.
So this affected my dad because of my brother in law.
And it affected me because of my feelings towards a previous co-worker of mine.
And the fact that I know my thoughts.
I will admit right now that I just about critically judge anything that I think is weird. Because I don't like it. It's different when it comes to my friends. That's like honestly, if I tell them they are weird because of something they do that I think is strange...it doesn't bother me. I love each one of my friends...best friends or just friends. I love each and every one of them and would not change a single thing because every little thing makes them who they are.
Pastor Gary really struck it to me when he was talking about these thoughts of "I don't like..."
And of course, just giving every struggle, every painful thought, everything to God...and that just made me feel better.
I've honestly felt better since yesterday.
I find myself catching the bad words that about slip my tongue. I catch myself starting to think the, "I don't like..." thoughts. I catch myself starting to stress over things that aren't in my control that I can't change. The things that only God can, but won't be able to until I give my full trust in him.
One of these things is entrusting in him that I won't be single forever. And for me, this is a big issue to just let go of. Basically because I feel like if I let go of it, nothing will happen and I will be single forever.
So that's going to be a slight struggle because I still don't want to wait more years and I still feel like I will be in pain from the void part in my heart where that special someone is supposed to be. And that's what a lot of people don't understand about me.
Even just the thought of letting go of it is giving me a slight anxiety attack.
But that's going to be one of the ultimate tests of my faith in God. Just letting him deal with it.
Doesn't mean that I won't stop looking...just not looking as hard.
Because I truly want to believe my soulmate is out there.
I just don't feel that special.

Another reason why I need to let it go is that it's making my super jealous of my best friends.
I have one best friend who just got married about 2 1/2 weeks ago, one best friend getting married this October, another best friend getting married next year, and another best friend who is getting married in 2015.
I want to be super happy and ecstatic for them. And I am happy for each and every one of them. But I am also incredibly jealous because they have found their soulmate. And that's not fair to them. But it's one of those feelings that I can't just tuck away or hide away. Jealousy is stuck on my heart like a leech.
So that's yet another thing that I need the Lord's help on.

For any readers that do not believe in God...please understand that I am not trying to push my religion and beliefs on to you. What you believe or don't believe is your choice, but I won't hide my beliefs any longer and will express them. My intentions are not set out to try to convert anybody into believing what I believe...but I will not shy away from anyone who sincerely wants help and guidance in that area of faith.

I am starting to forgive myself, but still have a long way to go.

Remember to smile! :)